


Letters From Across the Universe

by Lucy_Claire



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Misunderstandings Ensue, Teen Kirk, Teen Spock, They Meet Later, pen pal au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:11:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 55,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucy_Claire/pseuds/Lucy_Claire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unable to make friends on Vulcan, Spock signs up for Starfleet’s Intergalactic Pen Pal System, where one can <i>seek new friends and experiences</i> on other planets.</p><p>Choosing Earth, Spock gets matched to one <i>Jim Kirk.</i></p><p>For years, they trade letters back and forth until one day Jim suddenly stops responding.<br/>Spock then turns down a spot at the Vulcan Science Academy and heads to Earth to join Starfleet in hope of finding out what happened to Jim.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE! Fic now has a Russian Translation ---> [Here!](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3255872)
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Vulcan, Stardate 2344.5

 

Fourteen year-old Spock tried his best to keep his emotions in check. He truly did. But he couldn’t help the rage that burst out of him every time one of his colleagues insulted his mixed heritage or his Human mother.

“ – the Human whore –” Spock didn’t give Stonn the chance to finish insulting his mother, he attacked with a shout and knocked him down, hitting him over and over again, not caring that he had all his emotions on display, that he had ruined whatever hope he had of passing as a true Vulcan.

When his father picked him up from his school he didn’t seem disappointed, almost like he expected Spock to react this way, to lose control because of his disadvantage – because of his mother and her contribution to his frustrating existence.

“Why did you marry my mother?”

“As the Vulcan ambassador to Earth, it was only logical I take a human wife to solidify my ties with the planet.”

Of course it was logical. Was it logical for him to be alienated based on his father’s diplomatic decision? Was it logical for his pure Vulcan classmates to smugly mock and insult him regularly?

There was nothing logical about it, and if this was how the people of Vulcan viewed logic then he had to wonder how his mother’s people lived without depending too much on it.

Spock sought out his mother when he arrived home, he found her in the sitting room with I-Chaya, their saber-toothed pet _sehlat,_ and reading Terran news on her PADD.

“Mother, do I have cousins on Earth that I might be put in contact with?”

Amanda set down her tea mug and faced him. “No, I’m afraid not, sweetie. Why, is there something you wanted to know about Earth?”

“I wanted to conduct a brief study on the difference between Vulcans and Humans in my age-group, but through regular contact.”

Amanda smiled. “A pen pal, you mean?”

“What is a pen pal?”

With quick few swipes across the screen of her PADD Amanda brought out the website of Starfleet and handed it to Spock. It was open on a particular page called Starfleet’s Intergalactic Pen Pals.

“It’s a system set up to encourage interaction between countries or planets and to try and lessen xenophobia,” she explained, anticipation in her dark eyes, ones so much like his own. “You enter your information, interests and planet and the planet or country you’d like to be connect to and you’re matched with a pen pal. You exchange messages back forth, getting to know each other, learning about each other’s homes, customs and lives. I really advise you try it.”

Spock couldn’t help it, he was excited and scared at the same time. He carefully typed in his name, age, planet and interests, chose Earth and his mother’s country of America and submitted.

Within a minute the screen lit up with his match, a _James T. Kirk_.

-

Half a day later, full of expectant glances towards his PADD and slight worry, Spock’s brief _“Greetings, James Kirk, I am Spock of House Surak and I wish to establish a mutually beneficial and regular exchange of messages with you,”_ got a loud, beeping response.

 

_Hey!_

_When I picked Vulcan on the SIPP page I didn’t think somebody would actually answer me. Not that I’m not glad you did, but, dude, why are you so formal? You kinda sound like an AI. It’s okay, I’m not an English teacher so you can drop all the vocab words._

_Unless that’s how you actually talk, then never mind!_

_Anyway…Hi, I’m Jim, I’m from Riverside, Iowa, it’s this cold, empty, backwater farming land. I actually grew up on a farm (I still live there, sorta). Do you have farms on Vulcan? What’s the Vulcan version of a chicken or a cow?_

_Hope you answer before Frank gets home so I can get back to you just as fast!_

_Talk to you later,_

_Jim_

Spock quickly responded.

 

**_Hello, James_ **

**_I didn’t believe anyone would respond to me as well, and I shall try to ‘drop all the vocab words’ as you say._ **

**_I am from the city of ShiKahr, it is what you would call a capital city, it is more industrial than the rest of Vulcan and has all the major governmental outposts and embassies. My father is the Vulcan ambassador to Earth, that is why I chose your planet._ **

**_We do not have farms on Vulcan as we do not eat animals, we are strictly vegetarian in our diet and I don’t believe there is a Vulcan version of a cow but we do have a few flightless birds in the Grand Desert._ **

**_Who is Frank?_ **

**_Best regards,_ **

**_Spock_ **

 

Almost ten minutes later, a response arrived with a loud beep and Spock’s rush of excitement increased.

 

_Call me Jim, only my teachers and the police call me James._

_Cool, your dad is an ambassador, but, if he’s Vulcan’s link to Earth how come you guys don’t live on Earth? Do you live there on and off or is like your mother or your dad’s mother human to keep with the whole linking-the-two-worlds thing?_

_You’re all vegetarian? Damn, that sucks, I mean if some people want to be vegetarian or vegan or whatever, that’s fine, but everyone?_

_If you ever visit I’m taking you out for a burger, deal?_

_‘Best regards’, how formal, I guess I could be down with that, so…_

_Best wishes?_

_Jim_

 

Spock felt himself smile at the message but he stopped himself before anymore of these calm but interesting emotions did more than make his heart pound just a bit faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)
> 
> DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to the playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

For about four months, Jim and Spock traded messages once or twice a week, usually very brief accounts of their week and a few questions swapped back and forth. After Spock explained that no, he couldn’t eat a hamburger because Vulcans couldn’t digest meat, Jim insisted on something called a veggie burger and said that ‘bacon is so cured it doesn’t count as meat anymore’. Spock noticed that Jim was quite good at evading questions about his home life so he’d sneak in regular questions tied in with ones about his mother, stepfather or brother.

After the last time Spock asked about Jim’s stepfather Frank, Jim dropped off the grid for a week and he was doing it again today.

Spock’s anticipation for new messages, or – as mother like to call them – letters, from Jim made him slightly unfocused during his afterschool-reviewing hour. Instructor T’Sara reprimanded him for missing three questions in a row from his rapid-fire review system because his mind was elsewhere.

Jim hadn’t answered him and he was concerned, he couldn’t help being concerned.

When he climbed out of his review corner he found Stonn and his friends waiting for him once again. He tried his best to make his face as blank and as unexpressive as possible, holding eye contact with Stonn. “Is there something you need?”

Stonn briefly glared at him. “We have received news of your bonding with T’Pring.”

“Elder T’Pau has arranged our marriage, she should establish T’Pring and I’s initial betrothal bond within the next year.”

Stonn’s long, sour face twisted into a small sneer before reverting to its former blankness. “You are not worthy of T’Pring.”

“I’m afraid it is not up to you whether or not I am worthy of T’Pring.”

Before anger could spark in him, Spock’s PADD beeped. He immediately checked Jim’s letter but the PADD got pulled out of his hand by Stonn’s shorter friend, S’Task. Spock made  a grab for it but Stonn shoved him back as S’Task read Jim’s letter out loud. Too busy trying to keep his fury in check, Spock didn’t hear a word, he was too focused on Stonn, who kept blocking his way. “You are not worthy of T’Pring, you are not worthy of sharing our space and privileges, you are not worthy of being called a Vulcan.”

“You have no right to decide that!”

“We do, we are the true Vulcans, you are a needless experiment, an abomination, something that only exists to cement your father’s tie to Earth.”

“That’s not true!”

“That is the only logical existence for your father marrying an inferior human.”

Spock swung with all his might and, just like last time, he knocked Stonn down into the review corner. He then snatched his PADD from S’Task, stuck it in his bag and hurried away before Instructor T’Sara could return.

Spock reached his home in a quick series of sprints. Panting, he entered through the kitchen door, snuck past his mother and headed up to his room. I-Chaya was lounging on his bed, snoring loudly and his computer screen was beeping with three more messages from Jim.

 

_Hey, you won’t believe the week I had!_

_My brother Sam, I told you about Sam, right? Well, he up and left on Monday and I can’t find him anywhere, he just disappeared because he couldn’t take living with Frank and our mother always being off-world._

_Yeah, my mom went off-world again, she didn’t even say goodbye._

_Anyway, Frank was going to sell my father’s vintage red car, you know, ones that still have wheels and need gas? It was a real beauty._

Spock frowned. _Was?_

Jim must have anticipated his confusion at his choice of grammar and wrote.

_Yes, was, past tense. I couldn’t stand Frank selling it so I kinda drove it off a cliff._

Spock’s heart skipped a beat, his brain entertaining the idea that Jim sent him this message from the plummeting car and the reason he didn’t answer was because he had died and this message was delayed.

He continued reading, linking his fingers together and focusing on his thumbs to keep his nerves steady.

 

_I jumped out of the car at the last minute and I got arrested. I told the cops that I didn’t mean to drive it off the cliff and that I was chasing my brother so I only got charged with driving without a permit._

_I still might get sent to juvie._

_Shit, Frank is yelling. I gotta go._

_Talk to you later!_

_Jim_

 

Spock clicked on the next message. It was shorter and unedited.

 

_Im hiding in teh attic he thinks I snuck out_

_Sams nt answering his phone and he didnt even tell me where he was going incase I wanted to join him teh asshole I would run away too if I could_

The one after that was structured a lot better, no spelling mistakes in sight.

 

_Hey,_

_Don’t tell me your messages got delayed again._

_Frank’s gone, so’s his truck. He probably went to Des Moines to look for a job since he can’t sell my dad’s car anymore HA!_

_It’s starting to get really cold here so I hope it snows in Des Moines and keeps him off the farm for a while. I don’t know what I’ll do if he comes back._

_Anyway, how are you? You said something about a girl, don’t tell me you got a girlfriend before me because that’s not fair!_

_Answer back already,_

_Jim_

 

Spock quickly responded, his mood lifting quickly, Stonn and his friends at the back of his mind.

 

**_Jim,_ **

**_You are quite reckless and possibly insane. Please do not risk your life that way again._ **

**_T’Pring is not my ‘girlfriend’, she is no friend in any aspect, but she is to be my wife if the bonding ceremony goes through next year._ **

**_I have had quite a stressful week as well, with my grandmother T’Pau arranging my marriage to T’Pring and my classmates at school treating me with more and more contempt and with as much hostility as a Vulcan could express._ **

**_I believe Stonn, my frequent tormentor, wanted T’Pring as his wife and he is just using my disadvantage as a way to harm me as he, being from a lesser family, cannot have her. He used my mother and heritage as logical excuses to mistreat me, seeing me as neither a true Vulcan nor a human and now my betrothal to T’Pring could bring up more issues._ **

**_Though, our…altercation today could also bring up more issues, but I doubt he would try to report me because as illogical as my outbursts are he is the instigator. I need to put in more hours of meditation because my expressions of anger are becoming to frequent._ **

**_I’m sorry to hear about your brother. Do you not have any other relatives to live with? Your past descriptions of your stepfather are worrying. Please keep me updated about your situation._ **

**_Sincerely,_ **

**_Spock_ **

 

The pent-up worry in his chest released as he clicked SEND. Jim’s letters always gave him a sense of relief even though they have been conversing for only a week.

He was truly starting to believe that there was nothing wrong with humanity, not on the account that they were his mother’s people but because humans like his mother and Jim brought him more peace than five hours of attempts at meditation.

 

Halfway through dinner with his parents the PADD beeped again.

Spock’s father, Sarek paused loading more spinach salad into his plate and quirked a curious eyebrow at Spock. “Is someone contacting you?”

Spock slid the PADD onto his lap, away from prying eyes. “Yes, Father.”

“A friend?”

Spock considered the thought. _Was Jim his friend?_ He had never had a friend before, due to obvious circumstances. He supposed the closest thing he had to a friend of any sorts was I-Chaya, and I-Chaya only preferred him because Spock snuck him leftover food and let him sleep on his bed during study hours.

“I suppose.”

Sarek looked to Amanda. “You didn’t tell me he finally succeeded in making friends.”

Amanda cringed. “Well, it’s not what you’re expecting.”

“Jim is not Vulcan,” explained Spock. “He is Human. We were put in touch by Starfleet.”

His father seemed interested. “Indeed?”

“You should see how Spock lights up whenever he gets a reply from Jim,” said Amanda, edging her plate away from I-Chaya, who had stood on his hind legs to snap his sharp jaws at the table. “This is truly good for him.”

“But Spock should try to make acquaintances among his fellow Vulcans, if he is to have a future here with T’Pring then he must be more open to socializing.”

“Oh, Sarek, not everyone can be as diplomatic as you, and you know how cruel children can be.”

 _Very cruel indeed,_ thought Spock bitterly.

“May I be excused?”

Sarek looked like he was about to object but his mother put a hand on his arm and nodded at him.

“You are excused,” said Sarek.

Spock picked up his glass of water and rushed up to his room, I-Chaya on his trail, yapping loudly as he galloped through the house.

He jumped onto his bed, quickly joined by I-Chaya, and clicked on the latest message.

 

_WHOA WHOA WHOA_

_MARRIAGE?_

_You’re like what, fourteen? Why is grandma getting you a wife so early? What would you even do with a wife now?_

_I don’t care what kind of weird traditions you have over there but don’t do it!_

_Those guys are bothering you again? And what do you mean ‘disadvantage’, you talking about you being half-human? Because I don’t see anything bad about that, I think that’s awesome and you wanna know why?_

Spock nodded automatically.

_You know how some people think the ancient gods were aliens? Like they came down from the sky, mingled with the humans since they kinda looked like us. Sometimes these gods had kids with humans and they became these legendary heroes._

_Look up Hercules, Gilgamesh and every king and emperor who claimed to be a son of a sky god! Think about them every time some pointy-eared asshole in your class calls you disadvantaged._

_You’re the closest thing to a demigod, dude!_

Spock paused reading, covering his mouth with his hand because he couldn’t fight back the smile turning up the corners of his lips.

The rest of the message was brief, but equally calming.

 

_Seriously, if I were with you I would have given those guys a piece of my mind. Or I’d just clamp pliers on their ears and hang them out with the rest of the wet laundry._

_Speaking of ears, I just realized that I have no idea what you look like._

_I for one am skinny, kinda tall, blond and I have these really weird blue eyes, probably a side-effect from being born in space, and I am getting cold sores now that it’s starting to go past chilly and into snowy around here. Does it snow at all on Vulcan?_

_Cheers,_

_Jim_

 

Spock was at a bit of a loss. He had just been compared to legendary Earth heroes, semi-divine ones at that. His entire life he had been insulted outright or insulted subtly in a guise of concern or praise for working past his human hindrance or the entire subject and himself were avoided. Jim didn’t avoid the subject and neither did he make it unbearable, Jim find any fault in him, Jim thought he was _awesome_.

Spock shook his head, getting back on track. His fingertips quickly danced on the screen, typing out a reply.

 

**_If I am Hercules or Gilgamesh, then what would you be?_ **

**_I won’t be marrying T’Pring now. Elder T’Pau will build the basis of a bondmate link within our minds and then when the time requires it, in ten or fifteen years, T’Pring and I will be wed._ **

**_I don’t desire this anymore than you would. I am not fond of T’Pring or her family and she has exhibited nothing but disdain towards me._ **

**_I look no different from most Vulcans in my region. Some of us differ in color depending on how close they are to the planet’s equator, much like Earth. There is no snow, not even on the mountaintops since Vulcan’s temperatures run very high, that is something that has always been a disappointment to my mother. I would like to see your snowy Iowa someday._ **

**_Jim, I’ve been meaning to ask, are we friends?_ **

 

 

He received the fastest reply since they first started communicating.

 

_T’Pring that rhymes with Chicken Wing!_

_I don’t even know why I wrote that, I’m just so tired._

_I guess if you’re all demigodly then I’d be one of the cool mortals, like Odysseus or Jason. Both guys got their own ship and had crazy epic adventures, something I wish I could do at some point in my life._

_It’s a bit of a pipe dream, but eh, whatever._

_What do you mean you’ll be married when the time requires it? Vulcans don’t have a mating season do they? You have a mating season every ten to fifteen years?_

 

Spock smacked his own forehead; something his mother did whenever she forgot something important. How could he just slip information about Pon Farr to someone else like that? Not just someone else, a non-Vulcan.

Oh, well, the damage was already done. He might as well explain it to Jim rather than have him ask the first Earth-side Vulcan he meets.

 

_It sucks that you don’t have snow. Snow sucks too, especially when it gets piled up and frigid and I have to shovel it out of the drive way and risk getting frostbite but it’s still pretty. You should totally visit me here in Iowa sometime, like the next time your dad pops over for some ambassadorial stuff stop on by! We’ll make a Vulcan snowman with a wig and elf-ears and everything!_

_And of course we’re friends, Spock, what else did you think we were?_

_TTFN! (That means Ta-Ta For Now and I honestly ran out of things to say)_

_Jim_

 

Spock turned onto his side, eyes drooping shut as he thought about the effect Jim Kirk of Iowa had on him and how his eminent bond with T’Pring would never make him feel this stable and peaceful.

He now couldn’t imagine a life without these letters. He couldn’t imagine a life without Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up o Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com) if you want me to answer prompts or just wanna talk :3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: fic now has a playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)
> 
> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ hope you enjoy, my darlings

It was six months into their correspondence when Spock finally saw what Jim looked like.

Jim had sent him a picture attached to a short message. The picture was of a young man wearing a black winter coat, matching gloves and a red icecap, out from under the rim of the cap was thick sandy blond hair that hung over his bright eyes.

Jim stood surrounded by what was probably snow and next to him were three spheres made of snow stacked onto each other, each one smaller than the one below it. There was a twig sticking out of either side of the middle sphere and the top one wore a green hat with pointy flesh-colored ears. It had two stones for eyes, two leaves dug into the space above them, mimicking slanted eyebrows, and it wore a red scarf.

The next picture was taken of Jim mid-laugh, his head was tossed back, his eyes were shut, his shiny white teeth on full display, and his hand was raised in his best imitation of a Vulcan salute.

The message only said: _I don’t care if you think holidays are illogical, I’m wishing you a Merry Christmas whether you like it or not._

_Merry Christmas, my favourite overgrown elf! (though you could count as a Tolkein elf)_

_Jim and Grumpy the Vulcan Snowman! (PS. Am I doing this right?)_

 

Spock rolled his eyes, as stoically as possible, of course.

He pressed his fingertips to the screen and spread them apart, enlarging the image of the laughing Jim, checking every curve, dip and color in his face, from his jawline to the outline of his full lips red from the cold to the long, dark eyelashes brushing the tips of his flushed cheeks.

Spock felt the heart in his side pound faster and the thumping heartbeat travel all the way up to his throat as he committed every bit of Jim to memory. The heartbeat went up to his ears when he swiped back to the first picture, the one where the brightest thing wasn’t the white snow or the red cap but his blue, blue eyes, bluer than the clearest oasis in the Grand Desert.

What was the matter with him?

Spock closed the images and returned to work on his Theoretical Physics homework, tapping his stylus on the computer screen, trying to focus on the proposed future of Warp Capability from over the sound of his misplaced heartbeat going _thumpa-thumpa-thumpa_ in his neck.

Spock dropped the stylus when he felt a sudden twist in his abdomen. I-Chaya perked up with a questioning grunt and Spock slouched in his desk chair, pressing a hand over his midsection, feeling his heart, which was beating quite irregularly.

What was the matter with him?

He was fine until he focused on that picture of Jim.

The thought of his face's carefree expression of emotion, the simple differences between the first picture and the second, the breadth of his shoulders for someone not yet sixteen, the sheer idea of what his voice might sound like, what the hands under those leather gloves would feel against his own...

His heart thumped once so much louder than all the others and Spock slid out of his chair.

_What was the matter with him?_

 

Spock he quickly called Healer Selek, his relative of sorts, and snuck out to visit him. Luckily Healer Selek lived in the same compound in the outskirts of ShiKahr.

Selek was an old, greying man with a very peaceful presence, he wasn’t as stoic as most Vulcans aimed to be but his facial expressions were always steady, subtly tweaking into a frown, a smile or a grimace. Spock could have sworn he sometimes saw him smile.

The healer informed Spock that he was completely healthy and his sudden irregular heartbeat was purely psychological.

Spock’s first thought was, _Are my frequent emotional outbursts the cause of this madness?_ but he remembered that he hadn’t had an outburst in nearly two months, the entire time Jim had been responding to him regularly, sending him lengthy complaints about his job, the farm and the college coursework he was completing online.

His contact with Jim was essential to his ability to not be provoked into a fight, to focus better in his class and studies and to truly look forward to waking up in the morning, whether anticipating a letter or not.

His contact with Jim was essential to his stability, almost like their correspondence was a mental-link of shared thoughts, opinions, knowledge, emotions and experiences, almost like…almost like…

Spock headed for his father’s study and poked his head into the room. “Father?”

Sarek looked at him from behind his computer screen. “Come in.”

Spock hesitantly sat across from his father, trying to find the words to start. “Father, how exactly are bonds formed?”

Sarek’s eyes flit to his right hand. “That depends on the type of bond. Is this about T’Pring?”

Spock couldn’t lie but in truth his curiousity was about bonds in general, including the one he is supposed to build with T’Pring. “Yes.”

“Your betrothal bond with T’Pring will be formed by Elder T’Pau, she will link your minds with the first step of a marriage bond, which will be fully formed during…your Time.”

“Have there been situations where the bonds do not take place?”

“There have, if one or both minds are too incompatible.”

“There is no shame in being incompatible?”

Sarek leaned back in his chair and linked his fingers, a curious tilt to his head. “None, after all we value strong bonds between mates because that is the highest honor psionic races like ourselves and the Betazoids can achieve, our levels of empathy and telepathy can make one very unstable, that was partly the reason our ancestors were a savage people before the rise of Surak.”

Spock briefly thought of the Romulans, their cousins who rejected the ways of Surak and moved to another planet.

“Sharing your mind and thoughts with someone you are compatible with can bring balance to your mind and its capabilities. Some bonds can even form by themselves.”

Spock stopped nervously playing with hands, completely alert. “How?”

“That also depends. Some form if one initiates a mind meld with another person and their minds recognize one another as being compatible. Some form if two people share a great experience where one was in distress and their mind sought the other for assurance or stability.”

“How did yours and my mother’s bond come about?”

Sarek shifted in his chair, if he was uncomfortable his face was giving away nothing. “As you know, I had been married once before your mother, with a woman I was bonded to from a young age, just like yourself and T’Pring.”

Spock couldn’t believe his father was finally speaking of this. He was aware that his father had a former wife and that he had a half-brother called Sybok, one that most in their compound pretended didn’t exist because he refused the life of stoicism and logic. “How did you break the bond with her?”

“It was a weak one to begin with so it was not hard to terminate. We separated a long, long time ago and then I met your mother on a visit to Starfleet and through several discussions we found ourselves very like-minded. As I told you before, it would have been quite logical to have a human wife as the liaison between Vulcans and Humans, and your mother was amenable to becoming my wife. I initiated a mind-meld and our bond immediately formed.”

Hopeful thoughts of Jim filled Spock’s head like the air filling his lungs, like even the idea of Jim being his bondmate was as necessary as breathing.

If or when they met, Spock could simply press his fingers to the side of Jim’s face and it would be done. He would be Jim’s and Jim would be his.

“Do I have to marry T’Pring?”

Sarek returned to his computer screen, signifying that their conversation was over. “Your grandmother would prefer that you would, but if you and T’Pring do not successfully build the base of your future marriage bond then there is nothing she can do about it.”

Spock bowed out of the study and headed back to his room, back to his PADD, back to Jim.

Should he tell Jim? What if he didn’t return Spock’s feelings?

“What am I to do, I-Chaya?”

I-Chaya, sleeping on Spock’s bed as per usual, raised his small head, his saber-tooth fangs barely rising off the mattress, and watched Spock unblinkingly.

 _Perfect_ , not only was his heart beating out of time and he was considering defying Elder T’Pau, he was now seeking counsel from his over-glorified fanged teddy bear.

He managed to send back a brief  ** _Merry Christmas, Jim. What is a Tolkein elf?_**

Jim replied quickly.

_You don't know who Tolkein is? Tell your mom to download you the Lord of the Rings E-books, now!_

_Read them and then we'll discuss them, we'll have our own book club except this book club would be just you and me._

_Catch you on a flippity flip!_

_Jim_

 

When Spock traced the words _Just you and me_ he realized how far gone he was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com) :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Lisez, mes chéries, lisez! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> (and don't forget to comment)
> 
> Fic Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Approximately six days after Jim’s Christmas letter Spock was halfway through _The Fellowship of the Ring_. As ridiculous as the idea of the harbinger of doom being a ring was, Spock found himself enjoying the tale. It was quite vivid, slow-paced and full of so much variety and lore one could believe that this Tolkein had discovered a planet where several humanoid races co-existed and he documented everything about them.

He still saw no resemblance between himself and the elves. Vulcans did not live idly in mountains or forests and partake in the outdated sport of archery. At least that was accounted for the Vulcans Spock was aware of.

A buzz vibrated through his mattress, making I-Chaya snort in his sleep.

Spock reached across his wide bed, whose brown duvet was cluttered with measuring instruments, graphing paper and downturned open books on Theoretical Astro-Physics.

His PADD had received a new set of pictures. The first was a picture looking down on a wide flat land with several old houses situated far apart from each other, the lines of colorful lights – Christmas lights, Spock remembered – were the only things keeping them visible apart from the moon and the lights from a town in the distance.

The second was a close-up of Jim’s eyes, brows and blond fringe and it was captioned _10 mins till the New Year!_

The next image was of Jim’s face from an odd angle, clearly taking the picture with a device held from an arm’s length. He was once again wearing the icecap and coat from the last pictures and his eyes looked almost silver in the lighting of his phone.

_Pssst, Spoooock!_

_Guess where I am!_

Spock responded: **_Atop your barn?_**

_Yes…?_

Spock dragged his teeth across his bottom lip, typing a reply with his thumb: **_Honestly, Jim, do you have no sense of self-preservation? What if you fall?_**

Another captioned image arrived, Jim giving him a thumbs-up: _I won’t, promise, I just need to show you something._

****

**_And what may that be?_ **

_Wait for iiiiit!_

 

A loud beep brought the arrival of a new picture. Attached to _Happy New Year, Spock!_ was of a sky full of colorful lights of red, yellow, blue and white in mid-explosion or fading star-like or flower-like patterns. Fireworks.

Another picture arrived. Jim puckering his lips at the camera: _Give us a kiss!_

Spock blinked several times, slowly rereading both messages to make sure he read that right before he sent **_Why?_**

 _It’s tradition! You kiss the person you're ringing the New Year with at the end of the countdown, and you’re technically the only one with me_.

**_Yes, but why?_ **

_There is no ‘why’ you just do it! Tradition demands it!_

**_You indulge in such illogical traditions._ **

_Your face is illogical!_

**_That makes no sense._ **

_You make no sense!_

**_Neither do you at the moment. Really, what are you doing?_ **

_Trying to insult you and failing miserably?_

 

Spock wasn't sure if this was another display of obnoxious Earth humour or if Jim was truly mad at him.

The brief neutral reply of _ **I see**_ was his test.

 

_Anyway, did you start reading yet? What do you think of the book? When do you think you’ll be finished?_

**_I did. It is adequate. By tomorrow or the day after._ **

_Adequate? I hand you one of the greatest works in history you say adequate, pfft, whatever you say, Elrond._

**_I have yet to see a resemblance between myself and the elves._ **

_You will when you see the movies._

_Dude, when you visit we’re totally marathoning all six Middle-Earth movies._

**_If that is what you wish._ **

 

Half an hour of silence passed. Spock immediately assumed the worst, that Jim had fallen off the roof.

Another picture arrived fifteen minutes later, Jim’s hair was slightly wet and spiked up, his eyes were half-lidded and sleepy but he was still smirking at the camera, hand raised in a wave.

 

_I still don’t know what you look like and that’s unfair. Send me a picture already._

Spock considered it. He thought of his appearance from an outsider’s view, especially a non-Vulcan, and how they would see his sallow green-tinged skin, his wide dark eyes and his admittedly ridiculous standard haircut, and last of all, his ears.

He pinched the tip of his ear and tugged as he traced the outline of Jim’s rounded ear, now visible without his hair or a hat.

Jim sent an impatient: _Well?_

Spock hurled himself across the room and put on his school cloak, pulling the hood over his head before taking a picture with a solemn face and a hand raised in salutation.

Jim responded with a picture of his unamused face, a finger pointing to his head: _Hood off, and drop the poker face, there’s no one here to impress._

 _There is you_ , was Spock’s first thought.

Reluctantly, Spock took off the hood and took another picture, reviewing the image of his mussed hair, long pointy ears and his slightly uncomfortable face before sending the picture.

Jim must be laughing.

 _BEEP!_ went the PADD.

 

_Hey, there you are!_

_Nice to finally put a face to the name, before that it’s like we were a pair of talking heads in the void. Well, not talking, Texting Heads would be more like it._

_It’s been so weird talking to someone I can’t hear or see, I kept trying to imagine what you’d look like but nothing ever came close. I expected you to look older or more mature (and by that I mean grumpy and disapproving as all Vulcans are) but you don’t look mean at all. Which is nice, you look nice._

_I mean you are nice, like why would I be friends with you if you weren’t?_

_Heh, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here._

Spock hunched over, leaning his head closer to the screen as he scrolled down the message, the anticipation forming small travelling twists along his insides.

 

_I like your ears and your hair, it looks very soft and shiny even if it is in a dumbass bowl-cut._

_I have this weird urge to reach out and touch your hair and ears so when we meet beware my grabby hands!_

_Or not, I’m a very touchy-feely person so you’ll just have to get used to me invading your personal space and clinging like a koala to a tree._

_It’s so strange though, most of you looks human and then you have these elfish points and it makes me finally realize that I am talking to someone on a completely different planet._

_Ever stop to think about how we’re technically sending letters back and forth from across the universe?_

_Amazing, right?_

_Anywaaay, I wanted to wish you a highly illogical Happy New Year and ask when your birthday is, Earth-wise? Mine is March 22 nd. _

_So long and thanks for all the fish,_

_Jim,_

 

Spock set down the tablet and read their entire exchange again, feeling his face heat up at _You look nice_ and _I like your ears_.

Were these expressions of interest? Spock didn’t know much about human interaction outside from his mother’s old movie vids but he was sure that those were indicative compliments.

But were they, really? Should he tell Jim about his own interest, about bonding if or when they finally met?

That still left the issue of T’Pring. When the verdict on his and her future, together or not, is passed he’ll decide. If they are linked and compatible then he shall not tell Jim a thing, but if they aren’t - and he truly wished they weren’t - he would tell Jim everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was brought to you by the universal long-distance friendship/relationship song KT Tunstall's [Other Side of the World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUpbO-mpi74)
> 
> Your comments are truly motivating and uplifting ^_^
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Due to Vulcan’s orbit being much shorter than Earth’s, Spock had reached fifteen during the beginning of their correspondence, turned sixteen by Jim’s message on Christmas and was nearing on seventeen soon. That being said, seeing as Vulcans did not celebrate birthdays, Spock wasn’t sure on what day or what month he was born, but he was sure of one thing, his bonding ceremony with T’Pring was approaching fast.

Spock was exiting his classroom when T’Pring and her gaggle of friends cornered him. T’Pring was short, square-faced, and had long, thick, black hair held up above her head in a conical hairstyle, and small expressive eyes, which wasn’t a good thing considering the concentrated anger and displeasure in them was directed at him.

He tried to evade her but she took two steps to the side and blocked his way out of the hall.

“Spock.”

Spock sighed internally, huffing the air out his nostrils. “T’Pring.”

“Walk with me,” she ordered.

If he were Jim he would gleefully tell her to _fuck off_ but he wasn’t Jim, sadly, so he could only nod and let her lead the way out to the school grounds.

 T’Pring led him to the fountain in the center of the Shi’Kahr Institute of Learning, the fountain being several decades old was a gift of thanks from the Humans after the Vulcans supplied much helped them rebuild after their disastrous Third World War. It was of the pointy-eared Greek wildlife god Pan and a handsome human young man, his shepherd Daphnis. Pan had his head tilted downwards a little, on hand on the man’s shoulder and the other nudging the reed pipes in the man’s hands, looking as if he was patiently instructing him how to play them.

Spock remembered Jim comparing him to his world’s legendary divine heroes and almost forgot he was in the presence of someone who looked like she wanted to claw his eyes out.

“We are to be bonded in five weeks’ time,” announced T’Pring.

“I am aware.” _Painfully aware_ , his brain added.

“Do you desire this?”

Spock would desire putting his sensitive hands on a burning-hot teapot before he’d desire her. “Why does it matter?”

“It does if you do not, seeing as I don’t and never have.”

“May I ask why you do not want this?”

She wrinkled her nose at him. “Your human half must really tamper with your level of common sense. Seeing from your regular outbursts, your difficulty in keeping up with the rest of our year and the likeliness that a cross-breed such as yourself is sterile, no one would want you for a mate.”

He bit the inside of his cheek, keeping his mouth shut as he breathed in and out steadily, cooling his rising anger, thinking of everything from I-Chaya rolling off the bed mid-snore to his mother’s kind smile to Jim’s vivid blue eyes. “I would have thought petty insults would be beneath you, but then again you do spend a suspicious amount of time with Stonn, it would only make sense for his irrational attitude towards me, as well as his pheromones, to rub off on you.”

T’Pring’s cool façade broke with scandalized gasp. “What are you accusing me off?”

Spock kept his face neutral but couldn’t help the amusement slipping into his voice. “I may be half-human, T’Pring, but don’t you for a second think that I am stupid. You favor Stonn over me but marrying into the House of Surak would lift you and your entire family’s status within our society, so it is clear that if our bond goes through you will cast me aside, enjoy the title of Most Honorable T’Pring and continue your affair with Stonn, which, may I remind you, is far more illogical than anything I have ever done.”

“It is not!”

“Indeed? What is your logical explanation for your relationship with Stonn despite us both being matched since infancy? You are partaking in what humans would refer to as following your heart, not your mind, so, truly, which one of us is the dysfunctional Vulcan?”

T’Pring pushed him into the fountain.

Stonn, S’Task and S’fon and T’Pring’s friends rushed into the fountain’s square and surrounded him when he got out of the fountain. Sopping wet, angry and annoyed, Spock didn’t take them all closing in on him too well.

He assumed this didn’t mean well and, as usual, he was right.

One of the girls pushed him back, his arms flapped at his sides, trying to keep him upright when S’fon pushed him to the side. All eight of them drew closer, pushing him back and forth, all shouting insults at him at the same time, insults about his mother, insults about his genes, insults about his lack of friends and insults about how no one, no matter how important his lineage or how desperate they were, would want him.

He blew up, his anguished scream filling the square.

They all backed away. Spock moved, fist raised high, ready to land a shattering punch on the nearest person’s face when every picture Jim sent him flickered through his mind, calming him, soothing his burning rage and lightning up the sinking, hollow feeling in his chest.

Jim didn’t judge him for having a human mother and Vulcan father, Jim didn’t care about his genetic outcome, Jim didn’t care that he was his only friend and Jim _did_ want him, whether as a friend or as a bondmate.

And Jim was the only one that mattered.

Spock dropped his arm and squeezed the water out of his shirt. When everyone around him relaxed, figuring him no longer a threat, Spock struck as quick as a _le-matya_ , but instead of sinking his venomous fangs into Stonn’s flesh he gripped the link between his neck and shoulders and pinched the nerve there.

Stonn’s body buckled in one large muscle spasm and he fell to the ground, unconscious.

Spock picked up his schoolbag and marched past them, barely sparing T’Pring a full glance as he loudly told her, “He can have you, even something like me wouldn’t want something that’s swimming in hypocrisy and lies.”

When Spock dragged his feet into his compound he found Healer Selek watering his spice tea plants outside his cubed white home.

Selek did a double-take when he saw him. “Did you go for a swim in one of the Ten Wells?”

Spock looked at his feet, his wet shoes caked with red mud. “I got pushed into the Institute’s fountain by my betrothed.”

Selek clucked his tongue disapprovingly. “Stonn and T’Pring have shown their true colors this early?”

Amazed, Spock looked up. “How did you know?”

“I know a lot of things.” Selek waved for him to take off his shoes. “Come in, I’m sure you wouldn’t want your mother to see you like this.”

Spock wiped his shoes on the front door matt. “It’s quite strange how they act so unreasonable yet no one points out their irrationality but everyone is quick to point out my own.”

Selek set down his watering can and headed inside. “It’s not strange, it’s racism.”

Selek returned with a bathrobe. “Go take a sonic shower, I’ll run your clothes through the dryer.”

Spock quickly did as he was told on autopilot, his mind focused on the strange old man and how familiar he always seemed, but Spock could never figure out what about him was so familiar. When he came back out two mugs of tea were on the silver kitchen table and Selek was puttering around the kitchen, humming.

The man was _humming_.

Spock sat down and something fat and orange jumped up onto the table. It was much smaller that I-Chaya, its fur short, soft and in recurring rings of light and dark orange with two triangular ears, a small head, whiskers and big green eyes.

It bumped its head against Spock’s shoulder and purred loudly.

Selek set down two mugs of tea. “Excuse my cat, he loves company.”

“Cat?” Spock looked at the animal, wondering how it found its way here from Earth.

“Yes, cat, Leonard was a gift given to me the last time I was on Earth.” Selek sat across from him and handed him his school bag. “Someone is trying to get a hold of you.”

Spock quickly took out his PADD, it showed three messages from Jim.

 

_Spock,_

_Guess what has two thumbs and just graduated high school two years early?_

_This guy!_

 

The image that followed was of a messy-haired Jim in a gold sweater, pointing his thumbs at himself.

 

Spock knew what response his answer was going to get but he sent it anyway.

 

**_Jim,_ **

**_I fail to see how the number of thumbs you have contributes to your situation, I would have thought you would mention your two brain hemispheres, seeing as they did all the work that made you surpass your age-group._ **

**_Curiously,_ **

**_Spock_ **

 

Bzzt!

 

_Spock,_

_I got out the fabric palette and held it up to your face to check your skin tone, and guess what? Literal-Minded Asshole is totally not your color. May I suggest something in the similar shade of Sarcastic Little Shit?_

_Annoyedly,_

_Jim_

 

Spock suppressed a laugh and snorted into his tea.

“Is something the matter?” asked Selek, a hint of amusement in his voice.

Leonard the cat chirped pleasantly and rubbed his head against Spock’s arm, making the tea slosh around in its mug. “No, not anymore.”

“May I ask who instantly lightened your mood?”

“A friend.”

“What kind of friend?”

“A good one,” murmured Spock, hiding half his face behind his mug. “One I can’t seem to do without.”

“Ah, I had one of those once,” said Selek wistfully, stroking Leonard’s head. “We met on duty at Starfleet, got assigned to the same ship and served together for many years then we became separated.”

Spock was amazed how this man let subtle but effective emotions slide into his voice and across his face, all the while not looking overly emotional or off-putting. It was like Selek had found the perfect balance between the calm rationality of being Vulcan and the ease with emotion and expression of being human.

“Did you ever see him again?”

“I did, yes, many years later we were reunited for one big assignment, it got a bit out of hand, we suffered a few losses, delays and goal changes but we finally returned to Earth and he was made to retire and I became a Federation ambassador.”

“Like my father?”

“Like your father.”

“What happened to your friend?”

Selek’s eyes looked a bit sad. “He died.”

Spock was stunned. “What happened?”

“Nothing, he just reached the end of his lifespan,” Selek said simply.

Spock truly felt for him. “I grieve with thee.”

“I thank you for your compassion. Your friend requires your attention again.”

Spock snapped out of his sympathetic state and checked.

 

_Sooo, how was your day? Did Stoned and Chicken Wing give you any trouble at all?_

**_Yes, how did you know?”_ **

_Kind of a hunch I had. I can’t explain how but I got the feeling you were upset._

 

Spock’s brief befuddlement made him forget he was sipping his tea, some of it dripping down his chin.

Did this have anything to do with Spock’s earlier sense that Jim’s effect on him was similar to that of a mental-link? Did Jim have the same strange inklings of a bond himself?

Should he mention it? Should he?

He shook his head, wiping his chin. He had to be done with T’Pring first.

He replied: **_I am a Vulcan. I do not get upset._**

_Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but feel that you were ‘being inconvenienced’. There, is that robotic enough for you?_

**_I am not robotic._ **

_Then quit acting like it! I know you have emotions so quit pretending like you don’t!_

 

Was it just him, or did Jim seem a bit angry all of the sudden?

 

 ** _You are upset_** , he sent.

_Yeah, sorry, it’s just Frank came back to farm to pick up his stuff we got into a fight._

**_Physical or verbal?_ **

_Both really._

**_Are you hurt?_ **

_Nah, I’m fine, I headed over to the farm next door until he left. I was supposed to go over there anyways, I’ve been tutoring the Beauchamps’ daughter in Math and her first SAT test is coming up soon. In exchange she either comes over and helps with the farm chores or lets me crash at their house whenever I get too lonely._

**_I see._ **

_Anyway, what happened with Spring Roll?_

**_T’Pring and Stonn and their respective friends attempted to provoke me into having an emotional outburst, something that has become a common pastime for many of my classmates._ **

_Those bitches, if I ever got my hands on them I’d either Taser them or sic Sadie on them, she’d trample and crush them for you._

Spock’s usually latent paranoia rose up suddenly. Was Sadie the neighbor’s daughter he was tutoring?

 

**_Who is Sadie?_ **

 

A new picture appeared. It was of a large, bored-looking, hooved, brown creature wearing a red scarf and a knitted hat that flattened its long, small ears.

 

_My dairy cow!_

_Sadie doesn’t like it when people mess with me, her favorite thing to do with Frank is chase him, knock him down and trample or sit on him._

_I think she still considers me this strange yellow two-legged calf that she has to watch out for, it’s pretty awesome considering cows are usually these lazy passive animals._

_Frank keeps threatening to send her to the slaughterhouse but I know he’s all talk because she scares the shit out of him and everyone in the area. It’s kind of like having a giant, heavy attack-dog!_

_While we’re on the topic, show me I-Chaya, from what you told me he sounds like a fat cat with tusks. Also, you still didn’t tell me when your birthday is._

_I gotta go feed the chickens and pick out the eggs, but kept messaging me, I’ll get to you when Marlene and I are done with the morning chores._

_Don’t let the muggles get you down,_

_Jim_

 

Spock looked at Leonard the cat, he looked nothing like I-Chaya but he did stir a sense of familiarity within him now, whether by association with I-Chaya as a furry pet or by what he represented to Healer Selek, someone he met through Starfleet, was friends with then were separated from due to their home planets and the difference in aging.

“Were you and your human ever…?”

Selek shook his head. “We could have been, we should have been, but I was too stubborn, too set in my Vulcan ways and he, as a very emotional person, took it as a sign of disinterest or indifference. It was almost too late when I told him how I truly felt.”

Spock gripped the edges of his tablet. “How late?”

“Late to the point that he had an adult son.”

The dryer stopped with a loud _ding_. Spock changed back into his dry clothes, picked up his things and thanked Selek on his way out.

Selek put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him on his way out. He turned him around and looked him in the eye. “Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

Spock nodded silently, for once wishing his and T’Pring’s bonding ceremony would come sooner so he could be done with it and finally know if we was to pursue Jim or not.

The first thing he did when he got home was take a picture of I-Chaya. Jim’s excited response of BROWN WALRUS-FANGED SMALL BEAR-LION! three hours later nearly made him laugh.

“Mother, what day is my birthday?” he asked Amanda, peeking over her shoulder from behind the couch.

Amanda looked at him out the corner of her eyes, smirking wryly. “Since when do you care for birthdays?”

“They are, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist, knowing could come in handy should I ever apply for an off-planet job or interplanetary passport.”

“Mhm.” she hummed disbelievingly. “It’s for Jim, isn’t it?”

Spock turned to leave but Amanda jumped up and caught him by the elbow. “Oh, come now. You born sometime around March 26th.”

He slipped from her grip and hurried back towards his room. “Thank you.”

“Say hi to Jim for me!”

He shot into his room without another word and threw himself on his bed, burying his face in his pillow.

Roughly half an hour of pointless tossing and turning later, he sat up and sent: **_My mother says Hi and that my birthday falls on March 26 th. _**

Jim didn’t answer until the wee hours of the morning, even then he only sent one word: _Awesome_.

 

**_Indeed, we are four days apart. I know in birthdays humans partake in gift-giving, do you have anything in mind that I can send to you?_ **

_Nah, don’t bother. I don’t celebrate my birthday._

 

Spock sat up and turned on his lamp, squinting in the light at Jim’s words. If he didn’t celebrate his birthday then why did he want to know Spock’s? Or why did he celebrate every other inane human holiday?

 

**_That is unfortunate, I truly want to give you something to commemorate your birth._ **

_Why, Spock, I thought Vulcans didn’t believe in birthdays_.

**_There is no belief required. Believing implies that it is an improvable subject based on assumption and fate. Birthdays do exist, their importance, on the other hand, is up for discussion._ **

_Enough, CP3O, I know you’re doing this overly logical I-don’t-know-what-metaphors-are bullshit on purpose just to rile me up._

Spock smirked. Jim knew him so well by now.

 

**_That is true, but I do wish I could get you a gift._ **

_Nah._

Jim didn’t send anything else for so long Spock fell back asleep for two hours and woke up when his PADD beeped loudly, asking to be put in its charger.

The last few messages from Jim were suspicious. He had to wonder what happened in the span of a few hours or even a day to make him so brief.

**Jim,**

**Are you well? You’re being very brief all of the sudden.**

**Concerned,**

**Spock,**

He responded quickly.

 

_Spock,_

_Want me to be honest? I’m not doing too well. It’s mostly the cold and Frank but I just had a fight with my neighbor Marlene and ended up walking home through the snow._

_I don’t know if I should go back and apologize or if she should apologize to me. I told her to drop the subject but she just nagged and tried to psychoanalyze me and tell me to get over my complexes or whatever._

_I hate being talked-down to, just because I don’t shove how smart I am down people’s throats doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. I know I have complexes and issues, I mean, who doesn’t? But god, mind your own business!_

_My birthday has never really been just my birthday, it’s always been overshadowed by a lot worse shit that makes getting older seem pretty insignificant. What’s worse is when people make such a big deal about it and all I want to do is forget the reason my mother avoids me, the reason my father died mere minutes after I was born in that Romulan attack._

 

Spock squinted again. Died in a Romulan attack minutes after he was born? Jim did mention he was born in Klingon space.

Kirk. Spock supposed that Kirk could be a relatively common name but Jim clearly stated that he was the son of George Kirk, the hero of the unexplainable but sudden Romulan attack on a Starfleet vessel seventeen years ago.

 

_We never celebrated it anyway. It’s never really been just my birthday, everyone remembers it as the day my father died so every year they hold a memorial here in Riverside and they expect me and my mom to show up, shake hands and make nice for the cameras but I’m so done with that shit. As if I don’t feel shitty enough already thanks to my dad. ‘Oh, you look just like your father’ ‘Your father was a great man, he sacrificed his life so you would be here today’ ‘You must be proud to be the son of a hero’ shuuuut uuuuup! I don’t need to hear this every time someone sees me, I heard enough about it at home, at school, from my teachers, from random parents and from those so-called friends who only hung around me because I’m the Magnificent George Kirk’s son._

 

The shift in tone was unsettling, it wasn’t like Jim’s previous mentions about his life and family, usually nonchalant or sarcastic, it was angry.

 

_I mean, how can I be proud of a man I never met? Telling me I look like him is not helping, that’s the reason my mother never looked me in the eye, the reason she avoided me as much as possible, the reason she resents my existence._

_It’s not just her, some people are crazy enough to believe that I was born just as he died that I, in some crazy way, took his place in life. Does that make any sense to you?_

_Every year, every single year my birthday, the day I’m supposed to be celebrated ends up with reporters circling the farm, people I don’t know calling me and giving me their condolences, friends of my father stopping by and asking me to go to the fucking memorial, wanting to parade me around to the public._

_It’s like I only exist to make a point or remind people how important my father is in Federation history._

That last line struck a chord in Spock. _He only existed to prove a point or remind people how important his father was in the history of the Federation_ , Spock’s father being the first Vulcan to marry and have a child with a human as a duty as the Vulcan ambassador being lauded as progressive and Jim’s father saving hundreds of people during an attack by Romulans and forever being branded a tragic hero. They were both reminders of great feats, something parents would point out to their children to either praise, pity or scorn them, something their classmates would only gawk at, mock or take in interest in them only based on what they heard, just something for the history books.

 

**_Jim,_ **

**_Believe me when I say that I understand how you feel._ **

**_You and I shouldn’t be bound by how or why we came into this life, the best we can do is restructure our paths and do something that would outshine even our parents so people can see as separate beings, until then, we should start thinking of ourselves as separate before we strive to convince anyone else._ **

**_Your birthday is simply that, the day of your birth, not the day of your father’s death, the fact that they coincided is not your fault. You should start seeing it as your father dying just so you could live. Your mother’s attitude is her own fault and is frankly unforgivable, she enlisted in Starfleet, she married someone in Starfleet and they were both on that ship while she was expecting you, she has no excuse to continue acting this way just like my father has no reason to be disappointed in my disadvantages, he knew what he was getting into when he married my mother._ **

**_Truly Concerned,_ **

**_Spock,_ **

 

_Spock,_

_Wow. I can’t believe I just got counseled on my outlook and feelings by a Vulcan, I should really check that I didn’t slip and fall into Topsy-Turvy Land on my way back from the Beauchamps._

_You’re right, I should try to disassociate myself from this mess, I had no part in it and I want no part in it, I’m grateful and all, but enough is enough._

_And stop calling yourself and your mother a disadvantage, the next person to call either of you that should be bitch-slapped with a waffle iron._

_I don’t know, Spock, sometimes I feel like no one will ever see me as anything other than George Kirk’s son who’ll never live up to or surpass what his father did, that that’s really all there is to me sometimes._

_Pleasantly Surprised,_

_Jim,_

 

Spock truly didn’t like this sad side of Jim, it was almost unnatural compared to his usual sunny personality. Spock didn’t know much about comforting people but he knew this wasn’t the time to drop his conflicted feelings on Jim, now it was Jim’s turn to seek comfort from him.

 

**_Jim,_ **

**_If it is any consolation, you may be George Kirk’s son to many but not to me, you are so much more and you will be much more, I can sense it and no matter what you do, surpass him or not, I am your friend as you are mine, and I always shall be._ **

**_I hope that I can be enough until you fulfill your potential, until you get your own ship and have unforgettable adventures like your ‘cool mortal heroes’ Jason and Odysseus just as I can be like your Gilgamesh or Hercules._ **

**_I even read that Hercules and Jason were both crewmates on the same ship, perhaps when you get yours you can name it the Argo._ **

**_Awaiting your reply,_ **

**_Spock,_ **

 

_Spock,_

_Dude, come here, this calls for a big virtual hug, a placeholder for until we meet because I am going to hug you so tight your face will turn blue. Or red? What color would your face turn if your blood is green?_

_I hope so too, and when I get my ship I’m totally requesting you on board the Argo because of course you’re enough! You’re more than enough even when you’re not really here with me._

_You really cheered me up, makes me wonder how many more surprises are left in you. You really are my best friend, you know._

_Wish you were here,_

_Jim,_

Spock lied back on his bed, facing the ceiling, the map of the Federation planets painted on it glowed softly in the dark. He reached out a finger and dragged it through the air, measuring the distance between Vulcan and Earth.

“Soon,” he breathed. Five weeks until he knew if he was done with T’Pring or not, five weeks until he could know if their future could start going they want it to because he wanted a future with Jim Kirk.

He didn’t want to live in a future without Jim Kirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, sorry for taking longer than usual, I just had a surgery on the 22nd and am now in recovery :/ 
> 
> Hope you like!
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

The bonding ceremony was in a few minutes and Jim had disappeared yet again. He said that he was tutoring his neighbour Marlene after they finished doing the farm chores, picking eggs, feeding chickens and milking cows and whatnot, but he was taking much longer than usual. Spock had to wonder if tutoring was an excuse for something else.

He needed Jim on the line with him.

“Stop twisting your robe,” said Sarek. They were sitting in the circular pews of the Vulcan High Council’s office, waiting for Elder T’Pau and the rest of T'Pring’s clan to arrive to witness their bonding.

T’Pring, sour-faced and irritable as ever, wore similar robes of redlined black and sat in a different section with her family. He hoped her disdain for him could be strong enough to not form any sort of bond between them, but then again, her desire to marry into his clan might be stronger than that.

He shot Jim another message: **_Where are you?_**

_Hi! Sorry! Sadie ran out of the barn and chased off a reporter! Don’t know what he was doing here in the first place, it’s not my birthday yet, maybe he thought he could get an early personal scoop or whatever._

 

Attached was the picture of Sadie the cow, still in her knitted hat and red scarf, chasing down a short pudgy man with a vintage 21st century camera hanging around his neck.

 

_Isn’t she the best?_

 

**_I see what you mean by attack-dog. Or shoulder I say attack-cow?_ **

_You just made a joke!_

**_I did no such thing._ **

_Yes, you did._

**_Did not._ **

_Did too._

**_Did not._ **

_Did too!_

**_Did not._ **

_Did not._

**_Did too._ **

****

Spock paused and blinked at his screen, realizing what he just typed.

 

_Ha! I just Duck Season-Rabbit Season’d you!_

 

For once Spock actually knew what he was referencing; his mother had a fondness for 20th Century animation, usually opting to watch Loony Tunes when she needed to unwind.

 

_Sooo, what’s up, Doc?_

**_The ceiling._ **

_You just made another joke!_

**_No, I stated a fact._ **

_Pfft, liar._

**_Vulcans do not lie._ **

_Yeah, but you’re half-Vulcan._

**_Thank you for reminding me._ **

_Don’t be such a sourpuss, Spock, I’m just having some fun. Then again, I know fun is illegal on Vulcan along with smiling, laughing and eating chocolate and doing anything like_ _drawing, singing or playing instruments._

**_Quite the contrary, artistic expression is encouraged as a way to express ourselves without unnecessary emotional outbursts. I play the lute, it is similar to a harp._ **

_Awesome! Did I mention that I’ve been learning how to play the guitar?_

_**I don't believe so.** _   
__

Spock looked around the room one more time, more of T’Pring’s clan had arrived and so had a section of the Vulcan High Council.

 

**_The bonding ceremony should start soon. I am uneasy._ **

_Want me to be your Best Man?_

_Flower girl? Bridesmaid?_

**_I highly doubt you’d appreciate wearing a dress._ **

_What would you know? Maybe I cross-dress on the weekends and sing in a drag bar._

**_Do you?_ **

_You may never know, but for the record, my legs look great in heels._

**_Maybe you should prove that to me sometime._ **

_Maybe I will._

**_In the dress?_ **

_Why, Spock, I didn’t know you were into roleplay. You be the knight and I’ll be the swooning princess?_

Spock rolled his eyes fondly.

The sound of horns announced T’Pau’s arrival. Everyone in the room stood up until she sat at the chair in the middle of the council’s half-circle of seats facing the pews.

Sarek nodded to Spock and T’Pring’s mother pushed her out of her seat. Spock quickly typed out **_It is starting!_** And received a _Run, man, ruuuuun!_

 

 

**_This isn’t funny, Jim._ **

_ It's a bit funny. _

_**Is not. Will you be online until it is done?** _

_I can’t promise I’ll answer immediately because Marlene is still here and I’m going to be busy working on something._

**_Something?_ **

_Yes, something._

 

Spock felt a bit suspicious. But he found everything about Marlene, Jim’s new ever-present guest, suspicious.

_Want me to hold your hand through it?_

**_How do you propose we do that?_ **

_I dunno, we both keep a hand on the PADD until it’s over?_

 

He pocketed the PADD, keeping a hand on it the entire time he walked away from his parents because it was the closest thing to truly touching Jim.

Spock and T’Pring met halfway on the stairs and walked down to T’Pau in furious silence.

Spock’s grandmother, the Most Honorable T’Pau, one of the Elders in the Vulcan High Council, was the quintessential crone. Her short face lined with wrinkles, making her cold, hard eyes seem much smaller and the corners of her thin lips droop downwards, coupled with her slanted eyebrows and beak-like she nose, she looked permanently annoyed.

Spock raised his hand in a _ta’al_ and she returned the salute and gestured for him and T’Pring to kneel.

Spock’s heart thudded in his side, the sound of its beating making everything and everyone else sound so far away.

T’Pau put her hands on the psi-points on the side of each of their faces and shut her eyes. Spock felt her initiating a meld with both of them, connecting all three of their minds with hers being the strongest presence.

Everything shifted, Spock no-longer saw the granite floor of the Council Room but a vast, endless darkness dotted with distant, fast-moving, white stars. A single, soft note broke the silence, followed by another and another in faster succession creating a calm, timeless tune that matched the deep-space scene before him.

Out from the darkness came a bright, glowing blue mass of threads that quickly braided themselves into a rope. A bright orange mass of threads appeared and moved to intertwine themselves with the growing blue rope.

 _It’s the wrong colour_ , said a voice in Spock’s mind. _It’s not supposed to be that colour._

The head of loose threads at the end of the glowing blue rope tangled with the orange threads, having difficulty bonding together.

 _It’s the wrong colour_ , insisted the voice. _Make it stop!_

The orange reared back and tried again, smoothly tying itself with and into the blue rope, releasing small, sparkling bursts of light as it tried binding them both.

The sight before him fizzled like a bad projector and the image of Jim in a ridiculous gold sweater flickered past.

The orange and blue’s point of connection released more sparks that burned the corners of Spock’s mind, releasing a corrosive ooze that ate at his brain, his thoughts and his memories as T’Pring’s own vicious thoughts rushed among his.

_NO!_

Several thoughts and images kept crashing into the scene and leaving just as fast. Thoughts of Jim and the Vulcan snowman, Jim saluting him mid-laugh, the New Year’s fireworks, the comparison to Jason the Argonaut and demigods, the sneaking suspicion that they could be easily bonded…

 _I don’t want this!_ screamed the voice. _I don’t want her!_

The orange took hold of the blue, tightening in a strangling grip. The image of Jim became discoloured, the blue of his eyes, the gold of his hair and the lively flush of his skin turning a dull sepia-toned brown as the orange crept further and further into the depths of his mind.

_Make it stop!_

**_MAKE IT STOP!_ **

Like the hot, jerking pain of twisting an ankle, the orange and blue ropes were torn apart.

Spock and T’Pring cried out in pain and fell back off their knees. Amanda rushed down from the observing seats and helped Spock sit up, pressing the back of her hand on his forehead and propping his head up on her lap. “Spock, Spock?”

He peered up at her through heavy lids. “What happened?”

T’Pau stood. “The bond didn’t take. One or both of their minds couldn’t sustain it.”

T’Pring’s father was almost enraged, but he reeled his anger in. “How is that possible? We had an initial link established as the cornerstone of their bond back when they were children.”

T’Pau regarded Spock with a hint of curiousity. She curled her fingers in a beckoning gesture. Spock got up on shaky legs and kneeled at her feet again, both relieved and confused.

T’Pau placed her hand on his face and delved into his head. When she released him she didn’t look half as stony and frigid as she did before.

“Fascinating,” was all she said.

Amanda hurried up behind him, helping him back up. “What is it? Is he sick, is something wrong?”

“Not wrong, but strange, he seems to have something blocking his bond with T’Pring.”

“They’re not compatible,” said Sarek. “Perhaps someone else can bond with him?”

“Or he is not capable of forming a true bond, after all he’s not a true Vulcan,” said T’Pring’s father. “He is disadvantaged in many ways, possibly more than the most inbred Vulcan, you would have a better chance mating him with a Romulan.”

Spock’s limbs were still weak from the torn bond’s backlash but he could still move his mouth, but what came out of it wasn’t a calculated rebuttal, it was low, bone-rattling growl of “Fuck off!”

“Spock!” his mother gasped.

Sarek shook his head disappointedly and put an arm around Spock’s shoulders, steering him away from T’Pring and her family.

He could still feel the lingering feeling of T’Pring’s shattered link in his mind, he felt her unsettling mix of rage and relief, both a form of her shaking disbelief at what just happened, which came out looking like she had just soiled herself in public and was looking around paranoiacally incase anyone saw the wetness spreading down her skirt.

All Spock felt at the moment, aside of the fading burning pain and a thudding headache, was excited anticipation. He was no-longer bound to her, he no-longer had to marry her!

Jim. He had to talk to Jim now, find some way to open a screen-call so they can finally talk, something of this importance shouldn’t be said over brief messaging!

He moved to take out his PADD, to tell him that they needed to speak for real but T’Pau left her seat and snapped her fingers at him. “Follow me.”

Spock looked back once at his clearly disappointed father and worried mother as he followed T’Pau into the back of the room.

He shot Jim several messages the entire way there.

 

**_Jim!_ **

**_Jim, answer me!_ **

**_Jim, I didn’t let it happen!_ **

**_I didn’t let the bond form._ **

**_Jim, where are you?_ **

**_JIM!_ **

 

The tablet shook in his hands and he nearly dropped it when he read the replies.

 

_Sorry, Jimmy can’t answer right now._

**_Who is this?_ **

_This is Marlene, I’m sure he mentioned me._

Marlene. He wished he could go a day without seeing her name.

**_Where is Jim?_ **

_I told you, he’s busy._

 

Spock’s nerves were already burnt enough, he didn’t need her playing coy to add to his frustration.

 

**_Doing what?_ **

_If you must know, Jimmy’s in the shower. He’s been quite active today._

**_I assumed running a farm by yourself requires a lot of activity but I need to talk to him now, possibly through a vid-call._ **

_Um, sorry, he can’t do that now, or even today._

**_Why not?_ **

_I told you, he’s busy. We’re busy. Doing something important._

 

 _“Something,”_ he repeated, displeased and a bit unsettled.

Spock wanted to stick his hands through the screen of the tablet, across space and time, to wrap his hands around her neck and strangle her.

“Spock,” said T’Pau, stopping their march at the very back of the building in front of three of Vulcan’s gods. Spock never understood how his people always spoke of how they followed the path of logic and reason and basing their beliefs and way of life on fact yet many still followed the Twelve Gods of the Old, from long before the Time of Awakening lead by the father of modern Vulcan thinking, Surak.

His father had a bust of the God of Death, Shariel, kept in his study. Shariel's design, with the long face, circular gaping mouth and eyeless sockets, was quite primitive and so disturbing that it would have given Spock nightmares if Vulcans could dream.

Through his conversations with Jim he had learned that Earth had many, many gods come and go throughout humanity's existence, in every corner of their planet and sometimes in the same area, sometimes people worshipped variations of the same gods, just under different names, but Jim said that ever since First Contact many stopped following their gods, seeing as the existence of aliens contradicted all that they knew of the skies.

“Elder, why are we here?”

“What do you know about Vulcans from before Surak?”

“That we were a savage, destructive, bloodthirsty people, and that the descendants of those that did not follow the reasonable and peaceful ways of Surak left Vulcan to retain their ways and became the Romulans.”

T’Pau nodded. “Is that all you know?”

“No, but I am sensing you’re asking about something that isn’t an overview of how we used to be, but something about what our ancestors did.”

“I am. Back in the Days of Ignorance there were some honourable things that have passed down through the generations, some so revered and rare that to achieve it would be an honourable and glorious thing to a psionic people such as ourselves.”

Spock held the tablet to his chest, trying to push aside his furious thoughts about Marlene and whatever she was doing over at Jim’s, possibly staying in his room while he showered.

He never showered at this time, Jim always showered right before he went to sleep, which was usually around midnight. It was currently 18:00 hrs. Earthtime, not 24:00. Was she lying to him? Did Sadie drag Jim through mud? Did he…did he do something that required so much effort, beyond that of the farm, that he needed to quickly bathe?

And why was Marlene with him this late anyway?

“May I ask the point of this conversation, Elder?”

T’Pau reached for his head but he stepped back. “What I found in your mind is that old and rare thing many are not capable of anymore, something that is sung about in our age-old ballads about the glorious wars we once fought on this planet, something those who fought in those wars achieved to strengthen bonds among warriors and their ability to fight as one.”

She couldn’t mean…she couldn’t be talking about that. How was that even possible?

“Are you saying that I have a soul-bond – that I have a _T’hy’la_?”

She nodded, closing her eyes and keeping her head high, as if this was a great source of pride.

From what little Spock knew, _T’hy’la_ were a bonded pair of warriors, female, male or mixed, whose mental-link was established on its own due to their incredible compatibility and – if one were to believe in it – their destiny to be by each other’s side. This was stronger than any marriage bond built in by a third party like nearly all Vulcan marriages were and it allowed the two the privilege of choosing one another and their essentially being each other’s other half completely balancing their turbulent minds and telepathy.

Spock had to take a step back and put a hand on one of the statues to keep himself upright as he took all this in. Jim was his _T’hy’la_ – his friend, brother-in-arms and destined lover. All this talk about serving together one day on a Starfleet vessel Jim got seemed to make a lot more sense, they should be by each other’s sides in the closest thing to a battle setting this century had.

“Who is it who holds the other half to your soul?” T’Pau asked. “Is it someone with you at school?”

Spock dazedly shook his head, feeling like he had his head under water. “No, he’s not.”

He discreetly typed **_Jim, we need to talk, now!_** and all he got was another insufferable message from Marlene: _I told you, Jimmy’s busy!_

**_Busy doing what?_ **

_He’s busy with me! Now lay off, Green Goblin!_

 

“Someone from another city then?”

Spock shook his head again, now instead of feeling slow and suffocated underwater to feeling the pain spreading from his nose to his head that one got from doing a somersault underwater.

Jim couldn’t have…why would he…?

“In another corner of the planet?”

He shook his head much slower than the last time, his entire body, even his head, feeling to heavy all of the sudden. He loosened the collar of the shirt under his robe, feeling like he had a hot, slimy stone stuck in the middle of his throat, making his eyes water from the sickening pain.

“He’s on another planet? Did your minds call out to each other in passing at some ambassadorial meeting or did he recently go off-planet?”

That would be the logical reason, but knowing Spock’s existence, logic had nothing to do with it.

“Neither. We never met, at least not in person.”

T’Pau’s eyebrows in the closest thing to a surprised expression her long-unused facial muscles could make. “How is that even possible?”

“I do not know, Elder, and he doesn’t know about this himself.”

“Why not tell him? It is important for him to come back to Vulcan so you can form your bond, before either of your minds become unbalanced.”

Spock dropped down onto the square of stone that the statue of Shariel stood on, his tablet on his lap, his hand at his tightening, burning throat. “He’s on Earth. He doesn’t know.” Spock breathed difficultly. “He’s human and he doesn’t know.”

“A human, I should have figured,” T’Pau said with an undercurrent of displeasure in her tone. “But, nevertheless, you do share a T’hy’la bond with him, that is enough of an honour to mask the humanity in you both.”

_TAKE A HINT ALREADY!_

**_I’m afraid I won’t, seeing as this isn’t your account and you are committing an invasion of privacy by reading Jim’s messages._ **

_HE TOLD ME TO CHECK THEM FOR HIM, ASSHOLE!_

**_I sincerely doubt that._ **

_TOO BAD! HE TOLD ME TO ANSWER FOR HIM._

_AND STOP TEXTING HIM! I’M TIRED OF HIM SPENDING LESS TIME WITH ME BECAUSE HE HAS TO BE NICE AND DEAL WITH YOU DURING HIS FREE TIME._

_AND HE SHOULD BE LEARNING GUITAR FOR ME, NOT YOU!_

**_Jim and I have an arrangement, Marlene. We message two-to-three times a week during our respective weekends and our relationship is none of your concern._ **

_YES, IT IS! HE HAS ME NOW SO HE DOESN’T NEED YOU ANYMORE!_

Her words caused a wave of nausea to wash over him. It made him want to smash the tablet on her head and feed her the broken pieces.

“He has someone else, it seems.”

T’Pau’s eyebrows made another attempt at an expression. “Is that so?”

Spock tried to message Jim yet again and received another angry message from Marlene.

“Yes. Someone close and convenient, someone human like him, someone who can understand his life and his feelings way more than I can ever do,” said Spock, almost tasting his own bitterness.

Of course all the time Jim spent with her led to this. Jim was an incredibly desirable mate, he was intelligent, entertaining, hard-working, responsible, caring, protective and generally the best part of Spock’s week. Of course she took him while she could, it wasn’t like Spock was even living in the same solar system, let alone on the same neighbourhood where they could meet everyday, do the farm’s chores together, watch Sadie chase after anyone who meant harm or watch the fireworks signal the New Year and kiss at the end of the countdown.

They weren’t even close enough to touch, to build and strengthen this one-sided fluke of a legendary soul-bond Spock had to be stuck with, and not only was Spock so far away, he was an alien, he was frustrating, he was emotionally distant and he was male. Jim was probably like most human males, primarily interested in girls only.

Vulcans may not make jokes, but Spock’s life was the biggest joke to ever appear on this planet.

“That is most unfortunate,” said T’Pau, leaving the room to head back out to the Council Room. “Perhaps you were not meant to have a mate, seeing as the gods could not have foreseen a birth on Vulcan such as yours.”

Perhaps.

A message finally arrived from Jim and it did not make him feel any better: _Dude, you won’t believe what just happened! Marlene kissed me! She seriously kissed me!_

Spock shut off his PADD and threw it in his bag with a frustrated growl.

Not wanting his parents to see him in his shaky, sad state, Spock sent his father a message that he was walking home and sprinted back to their compound and straight to Healer Selek’s door.

A few bangs on the door made the inside of the house light up and the silhouette of Leonard the cat appear behind the window’s yellow curtains.

Selek opened the door and blinked sleepily down at him. “Spock, are you unwell?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” He took in a deep breath and breathed it out, evening out his panting and trying to keep his shaking arms steady. “I think - I think I am overwhelmed and - and that I may suffer an emotional breakdown.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marlene, Marlene, Marleeeeene, I'm beggin' of you please don't take my maaaan, please don't take him just because you caaaaan!
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com) :D 
> 
> Don't forget to comment! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Thank you for all the well-wishes!~
> 
> This chapter is brought to you by my Taylor Swift playlist (◡‿◡✿) yes, even the happy songs
> 
>  
> 
> Fic Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Selek let him in. Spock kicked off his shoes and dropped onto the crescent-shaped silver couch facing the small kitchen, gripping his shaking left arm, his right leg bouncing up and down with uncontained nerves. “I can’t keep my emotions in control.”

“Here, this should help.” Selek dropped Leonard onto Spock’s lap. The cat quickly made himself comfortable and purred up at him, the soft, soothing sound easing Spock’s nerves a bit.

“Try petting him, I once read a study that said petting a cat lowered blood pressure.” Selek got tea from his replicator and sat on the armchair across from the couch, setting the tea and their accompanying edible leaves on the small levitating coffee table. “Now, what happened with T’Pring?”

“I shattered the bond.”

Selek sipped his tea, watching Spock from over the rip of his mug. “I thought you would be pleased at such a feat?”

“I was. I am,” said Spock, stroking the cat’s head, earning louder purrs. “That isn’t my issue here.”

Selek set down his mug with a loud _clack!_ “Did something happen to your friend?”

“He has gotten himself a companion, a _girlfriend_.” Spock spat venomously, hot air rushing out from between his teeth and out his nostrils in hurried puffs.

“How unfortunate.”

Spock ran a shaking hand through his sweaty hair. “How did you deal with your human being with others, how did you deal with him not knowing what you felt for him?”

Selek avoided Spock’s eyes, focusing on his mug like he had never seen the flowery pattern on it. “Frankly, I didn’t deal with it as well as I wanted to. My human was a very desirable man, every planet we set down on, every transfer we got aboard the ship and every member of a distressed party we beemed aboard had designs on him, and he reciprocated a lot of the time. Although his feelings rarely went past a parting kiss or a loving embrace, except for two women. One was a yeoman he couldn’t pursue due to laws about fraternization and one was a woman who died not long after he met her.”

A thought crossed Spock’s mind, making him stop stroking Leonard’s head and keep the orange cat’s ears flattened, but Leonard didn’t mind, he just carried on purring contently with his eyes shut and the tip of his tail wagging calmly.

The thought was whether Spock’s attachment to Jim was anything like Jim’s relationship with Marlene. Of course Spock knew that Jim needed intimacy, emotional and sexual, which Spock could not provide, so he sought out the closest, most available and agreeable person. Perhaps Jim was just passing the time with Marlene, perhaps he wouldn’t waste much time on her and leave her if Spock ever got to Earth and then maybe they’d…

No. Jim had a higher and more realistic chance of marrying Marlene and having a couple of natural-born blonde children running around the farm, which Marlene would run in Jim’s absence as he commanded a starship or became the youngest professor at Starfleet. Marlene, as wretched as she was, was someone for Jim to come home to, something an emotional human man who grew up without a family would want.

Coming home to Spock, on the other hand, was a less appealing thought. He would be hung-up on not displaying his emotions or giving Jim the affection or comfort he needs, they would not be capable of having children or building a home together if one or both of them did end up working for Starfleet. They’d end up like Selek and his human, kept apart by job responsibilities and laws against fraternization, they could risk other people’s lives by being too caught up with one another or he would have to sit back and watch beautiful woman after beautiful woman drag Jim further and further away from him with their availability.

Now that he thought about it, even if Spock were close by and emotionally supportive, would Jim even think of him _that_ way?

The corners of Spock’s lips tugged downward in a sour grimace. It seemed most human men, even without the need to breed, favored women as mates, which made things much harder for people like himself and Selek.

“What was your human called?” he pried carefully, scratching behind Leonard’s tiny ears.

Selek continued avoiding his eyes. “Seamus, Seamus Church.”

“You said he returned your feelings, but you said he primarily pursued women or females of several planets.”

“Oh, he pursued males as well, some of the non-humans he was involved with did not even classify as either male or female, he was what could be classified as a pansexual. Because of that fact I had originally assumed that I was to be another notch on his bedpost, so to speak, that I was to be his latest alien conquest.”

“And you denied him until he gave up on pursuing you?”

“I did. It was after he had taken a few risks on my behalf did I finally understand what he felt for me.” He gestured to Spock’s bag. “I told you not to make the same mistakes I did, even on a much smaller scale, don’t ignore your human.”

Spock took the PADD out of his bag and stared at the black screen, pondering if he should turn it back on or not. He didn’t want to sit and read Jim’s excited messages about Marlene making the territorial move on him that Spock could not make himself. “He’s not mine, that much has been made clear.”

“Just because you can’t have him as a companion doesn’t mean you should lose him as a friend,” advised Selek. “I coveted Seamus’ friendship because that is all I could ever have from him, and most days, it was enough.”

“I am not ignoring him, I am giving myself time to think so I don’t answer in a way that might alienate him.”

Selek nodded. “That does seem to be for the best.”

Spock tried to coax more stories out of Selek about Seamus but he told him very little, just that their favorite pastime discussing a wide variety of subjects over games of chess and that Seamus had given him Leonard as a parting gift.

Only when he was in control of his limbs and expressions did Spock leave Selek’s. He avoided talking to his mother but couldn’t avoid his father.

“Spock!” Sarek called out as Spock tried to rush past his study.

Spock cautiously stuck the top of his head through the crack in the door, mumbling, “Yes, Father?”

Sarek gestured to the seat in front of him. Spock sat across from him in expectant silence.

“How is your mind?”

Spock reflexively reached for the side of his head. “It is stable, I suppose.”

Sarek threaded his fingers together and placed them in front of him on the desk, watching Spock with a hint of concern. “I require an honest answer.”

“I am being honest.”

“Spock, I can sense the growing unease of your mind. It is understandable, you just had your preliminary bond with T’Pring torn during what was to be your bonding ceremony.”

Spock could feel the sweat form under the hair brushing his nape and drip down his back. He twisted his fingers together, and hooked his ankles together to keep himself from squirming under his father’s gaze. “Yes. Most unfortunate.”

“You are relieved that you aren’t to be bonded to T’Pring, that was a superficial problem, did you pause to think of the consequences of not having a bond formed now?”

The sweating increased, traveling down the back of his ears. He hooked a finger into his collar and pulled it away to air his heated neck. “Father, I highly doubt the bond not forming is my fault.”

“No, it might not be, but T’Pring was the only member of your age-group who was willing to bond with you, now, thanks to your reputation as an impulsive and violent child no girl or boy will take her place as your mate.”

“Impulsive?”

“Yes, did you not think I would be alerted of the fights you keep starting with your classmates?”

“ _I_ kept starting?” Spock’s voice grew louder, too mentally exhausted to even bother caring about how he looked like in Sarek’s eyes. “They would gather around me on an almost daily basis to harass, hit, steal my things or insult me, you or my mother! Provoking an emotional reaction out of me was a game to them!”

Spock rose from his seat, fists clenched. “The fact that no one else wants to take T’Pring’s place is not my fault, it is because of what T’Pring’s father told you, that they do not consider me an actual Vulcan!”

“Spock, lower your voice.”

“I will not!”

“Spock, if you let yourself have an outburst after suffering a broken bond then you could create a tear through your psyche.”

Spock turned his frustrated scream into one loud exhale, relaxing his shoulders as he let out all the hot hair. “Fine. I will meditate for roughly two hours tonight.”

Halfway out the door, Sarek called “What will you do when your Time comes?” after him.

Spock slammed the door shut behind him, as he had no answer.

What would he do when _pon farr_ came? T’Pring was no-longer an option, an option he gave up for Jim, who wasn’t an option himself anywhere outside of Spock’s wishful fantasies.

Did he just doom himself for someone who logically couldn’t and wouldn’t want him back or even be on Vulcan when he entered the throes of _pon farr_? Was this the cost of acting on emotions rather than logic?

He rolled I-Chaya to the other side of his bed to get his meditation robe out from under him and shake the brown fur off. After lighting two candles, rolling out his matt by the corner of the room and lowering the lights to 30%, Spock brought out his tablet and stared at his reflection in the black screen, contemplating whether he should turn it on or not.

In retrospect, he was probably being very childish, but he had had a long day, most of the stressful parts of it could be attributed to Jim or his influence, so he tossed the tablet under his bed. Pressing his back against the wall by the matt, he folded his legs, set his upper arms on his knees and shut his eyes as he tried to even out everything from his breathing to his heartbeat to the pounding in his head.

Spock didn’t check his PADD for over four days. It was the greatest feat of self-control and stubbornness he had ever achieved.

 

-

 

He was finally done with his first semester’s final exams at the Shi’Kahr Institute of Learning, one more semester and he could apply for the Vulcan Science Academy.

Spock dropped his bag and school robe onto the desk chair in his room and stood in the middle of it, one hand in his hair and the other on his hip, drumming his fingers on his skin in an impatient beat.

Studying has been what distracted him from Jim. He didn’t have an excuse to avoid him anymore. Should he open the PADD? Could he face him now?

His calendar did say it was Jim’s birthday, he had already sent Jim’s gift by Warp Mail roughly a month ago, shouldn’t that be enough?

Something pushed him sideways. I-Chaya was bumping his leg, holding something in his mouth and making soft, muffled noises up at him.

Spock took the tablet out of I-Chaya’s mouth and wiped the drool off on his shirt, scratching the _sehlat_ ’s large, fuzzy head. “Do you think I should?”

I-Chaya yowled sadly, nudged him again. He must have sensed Spock’s distress during the last few days.

Spock turned the tablet around in his hands, thinking of Selek’s words, that even if he couldn’t have his Seamus he took what he could get from him, which was his friendship, and he had a point. Spock would rather have Jim as just a friend than not have him at all.

He turned on the PADD and got a torrent of messages.

 

_Spock?_

_Spock, what happened with Chicken Wing?_

_Spooooooooock!_

_Shit, Marlene_ _’s yelling at me and I don't know why_

_She keeps saying I led her on and that I invited her over and that her magazine said I made all the signs? What signs? I made no signs, she offered to help with the farm and then I told her she could stay and rest so we can begin tutoring right after._

_I managed to hustle her out, thank god._

_-_

_Spock? SPOOOOOOCK!_

_Damn it, man, did you drop your PADD into a puddle?_

_You’re not in trouble for not bonding with her, are you?_

_Spock, it’s been almost two days, you’re scaring me._

_PICK UUUUUUUUP!_

_-_

_Earth to Spock! Earth to Spock! Come in, Spock!_

_Dude, this isn’t funny anymore, I’m getting worried._

_Don’t make me reach through this screen and smack the bangs off your head!_

_I swear, if this tablet has been out of battery this whole time I will break it over your head._

_CHARGE YOUR DAMN DEVICES!_

_-_

_GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM? COME IN, MAJOR TOM!_

_-_

_Are you mad at me?_

_Can you at least tell me what I did?_

_Spock? Answer me._

_Whatever it is, I’m sorry._

_Please don’t ignore me. I can’t handle you leaving me too._

_Spock, please answer me!_

_Spock? I just got your gift, I don’t understand the significance but I have it on a chain around my neck._

-

_Hey,_

_On my way back from selling my stuff at the Farmer’s Market this song came on my truck radio, it’s really old, like 20 th Century old, and even though I’ve heard it so many times on the Oldies Radio this time it – I don’t know what it was, but I had to stop driving because I felt like I was having a panic attack and I haven’t had one of those in a while._

_It was like I couldn’t breathe and I felt so, so sad just from listening to the damn song and then that’s when I realized why now was different from all the times I heard it, because it actually applied to me this time, because it reminded me of us, of you._

_I’m not entirely sure what this means for me, but I don’t care as long as we can talk it out,_

_Miss you,_

_Jim,_

-

He quickly typed out a reply, decided against it and deleted it. He wrote another reply on a separate document and kept tweaking it over and over because he found a fault in each new letter. What if he came off sounding apathetic? Did this sound bitter or angry? Would this come off as sarcastic? Do I need to add another sentence to clarify what I mean? No, this sounds too foreward! Does this make it seem like I’ve been waiting for him to initiate or should I tell him that I knew all along? Or should I just…

He set his PADD down and paced around his room, twiddling his thumbs and muttering a pretend-conversation with Jim under his breath. I-Chaya’s head followed him as he came and went past his spot on the bed.

After nearly quarter an hour of thinking and debating, Spock sent out a cool, emotionally detached message that would make T’Pau proud: **_Happy Birthday, Jim, I hope you liked my gift._**

Jim’s instant response made him jump.

_SON OF A BITCH! YOU’RE ALIVE!_

**_Clearly._ **

_Don’t give me that, you little shit! I’ve been worried sick about if you were ever going to answer me! You could have fallen down a well or had your head explode from all the studying and I would never know!_

_Seriously, where have you been, man? It’s been almost a week and I demand a good explanation._

**_I apologize, it was exam week and I could barely do more beyond study and sleep._ **

_So, you weren’t upset about Marlene?_

 

Spock considered his answer. Answering _Yes_ would tell Jim that Spock had been avoiding him on her behalf. Answering _No_ would tell Jim that Spock didn’t care about Marlene and whatever Jim did with her.

But he did want Jim to know that he cared, that he cared so much he probably doomed his own life come the time he was struck with pon farr.

 

He went with the middle-ground answer that would surely guarantee a subject-change: **_Vulcans do not get upset._**

_Can you not right now with your Vulcans Don’t bullshit? You get upset, you probably get more upset than anyone else because you spend so much time smothering your emotions so if they come out over one thing an entire lifetime’s worth will come shooting out like champagne out of a bottle!_

_I read her messages, anyone would get upset from being talked to like that, for being told that they’re replaceable and if you feel about me the way I think you do then everything she was suggesting must have seriously pissed you off._

 

The line _if you feel about me the way I think you do_ gripped Spock by the lungs, making him forget how to breathe. If Jim knew how he felt, how much he wanted him in any shape or form, then was this his way of rejecting him?

 

**_Yes, I was made very upset by your companion’s attitude towards me. I know that being territorial about one’s mate is to be expected, especially when someone else shows an interest, but tell her not to worry about me or my intentions as I am not an option for you._ **

**_I understand why, my being male and far away being factors, but I want you to know that if you only offer your friendship then I will be content with just that, just as long as I still have you in my life._ **

**_I hope my attachment to you does not get in the way of our current relationship._ **

 

Ten minutes passed. The flurry of squirming worms that symbolized Spock’s anxiety twisted around his lower gut.

Did he upset him? Did his admission bother him or unsettle him? Did he disgust him?

 

_Beep!_

 

_So… you iced me out for almost a week because you’re into me? Talk about giving out mixed signals._

**_I’m sorry._ **

 

Fifteen minutes passed.

 

_Okay, just to be clear, you do like me, right? Like like-like me not just like me?_

**_Are you speaking some form of English I am unfamiliar with?_ **

_Gah, shut up, you have no right to mock my speech._

**_On what grounds?_ **

_On the grounds that you have a bowl-cut!_

**_My hair is standard for Vulcan males._ **

_Doesn’t make it any less stupid._

 

Another period of silence passed, half an hour to be exact.

Jim finally sent him a full letter.

 

_Okay, I had this in my Drafts folder because I was too chicken to send it._

_And now I have shed my beak and feathers and am sending this to you so…please don’t take another five days to answer me._

 

_Spock,_

_I found Marlene’s messages in the Trash folder. I didn’t know she sent those, I swear! Everything she said was bullshit, you have to know that no matter how many people come in and out of my life no one could replace you. I’ll always need you, you’re the most healthy and stable part of my life right now._

_Ever since Starfleet put us in touch I’ve been like a dog waiting for his treats, always waiting by my tablet for messages from you, I’ve even skewed my internal clock so I can be awake during the points in Vulcan’s time-zone where you can answer me!_

_I know this sounds weird but sometimes I can feel like you or your thoughts are in the back of my mind, like I can hear your voice even though we’ve never vid-called. I don’t know if it’s a sign from the cosmos or the gods above or whatever, or if it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, showing me what I really want to see or hear._

_You may be an emotionally-constipated jackass, but you’re also my best friend, or maybe even more than that…_

_Yeah, you’re more than just a friend a to me and I don’t know if you even feel the same way or if you are catching my drift at all and…but if this is how things are going to end then there’s not much I can do besides tell you that these few months have meant so much to me, how much you being there, even when you’re light years way, have meant so much to me._

_With Love,_

_Jim,_

 

Spock felt the need to smack himself upside the head but he also felt the need to run across the house, screaming “HE SAID MORE THAN A FRIEND!”

 

_So…?_

**_So…?_ **

_What does this mean?_

**_I don’t know, I have never been in this situation before._ **

_Me neither. All I know is that I like you and you like me and not in a just-friends kind of way._

**_That is all I know as well, even if it is quite hard to believe at the moment._ **

_It kinda is, isn’t it?_

 

Spock's tentative smile tugged at the long-unused muscles of his face.

_So…what happens now?_

**_I don’t know._ **

_If we both like each other and we both know about it and all, does this mean we’re together? Is that okay?_

**_Yes, Jim, it is very much okay._ **

_Argh, I can’t do this anymore, we need to do this face-to-face._

Spock’s PADD buzzed so suddenly and so powerfully that it jumped out of his hands.

 

JIM REQUESTING VIDEO CALL…

 

He quickly answered it, smoothing his shirt and his hair right before the camera displayed his face in a small box in the bottom left corner of the screen and brought the image of Jim waving at him in the rest of it.

It was Jim as he had come to know him with his messy golden hair half-hanging over his big, bright blue eyes, the brightness in them almost outshined by his wide, full-lipped smile, but he was also a bit different from the still photos. Jim’s face seemed longer, more defined, and his tan had lessened thanks to months of cold weather. He wore a greyish-white shirt that stretched across his broad shoulders and slim waist but it had overflowing sleeves that flapped about whenever he moved his arms.

“HI!” Jim’s voice was so loud it created deafening static but the sheer excitement that flowed out with the sound made his heart flutter.

“Hello, Jim,” he wheezed, his voice breaking off.

Jim laughed nervously and set both his elbows on his desk, dropping his face in his palm, gazing up at Spock. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“So…”

“So?”

Jim laughed again and hid his face in his arms then moved it up behind his hands, peeking at Spock through his fingers, his shoulders shaking with quiet giggles. “Hi. Oh my god, hi. I can’t believe we’re finally talking, that we’re talking about this.”

Spock propped his PADD up on its magnetic seat on his desk and sat across from it, tucking the same loose lock of hair behind his ear over and over. “I don’t know what to say.”

Jim stuck out his bottom lip and turned up his hands, flapping his sleeves about. “Me neither, my mind’s a complete blank.”

“What do we do now?”

“I dunno, I’m content with just looking at you to be honest.”

Spock felt his ears burn with embarrassment. “I – I feel the same way.”

“Oh, I bet you do, I’m gorgeous,” said Jim, batting his eyelashes at him. “No, okay, jokes aside, we should really talk.”

“We should.”

They ended up staring at each other for what felt like ages until Jim broke the spell by laughing again.

“This is surreal,” said Jim. “I can’t believe it took me this long to realize what I wanted out of this, but I can’t believe you thought I was dating Marlene.”

“It would only be logical that you pick a human female who shares the same living space and lifestyle as you, especially during this point in your life.”

Jim made a rude, dismissive noise. “Pffft! _Logical, human female, at this point in my life_ , you sound like a narrator for the Discovery Channel, _‘Watch the wild Jim in his natural habitat as he chooses a mate based on the desirable traits exhibited by the nearest human female within distance’_.”

“I suppose it does sound ridiculous when you say it like that.”

“Damn right it does. Spock, I’m not superficial or stupid, you know that, I won’t like someone just because they’re convenient, because if that’s how things worked then I wouldn’t like you." He reached into his shirt pulled out a silver chain, dangling a gold ring set with a multifaceted black stone, an heirloom of Spock's family, Jim's birthday gift. "Which I do.”

“I am quite fond of you as well, more than is advisable.”

“Fond, just fond, huh?”

“Is there something wrong?”

Jim shrugged. “Fond is a word you use when you’re drying to distant yourself from something or if you’re describing something you don’t mind, like ‘I’m fond of Granny’s plum cake even if it’s quite nasty’.”

“Oh. I see. I should try better to express...” Spock twisted fingers together under his desk, focusing on them as he tried to let every thought in his head come out his mouth clearly. “Jim, what I feel for you goes against the teachings of my people, it goes against what I have spent my entire life trying to do, to hide my emotions, to make them nonexistent, but the mere thought of you – just seeing your name in my Inbox makes me unbearably and uncontrollably excited and scared at the same time.”

He could feel his intense gaze on him the entire time, it was almost enough to make him bite his own tongue. “I am not quite sure what it is exactly I am feeling, but I know that is something I don’t want to ignore, I know that as a Vulcan emotions are needless but as a half-human I have to say that whatever it is you stir in me, I never want to lose it.”

Jim stared at him, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. “Wow. Fuck Shakespeare, that was the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

“That was not the answer I was expecting.”

“And I was not expecting you to say all of that.” Jim put his hand on the screen. “But I’m glad you did.”

Spock reciprocated, dividing his fingers as he covered Jim’s hand with his. “Where does this leave us?”

Jim just smiled at him knowingly and Spock didn’t need an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the song Jim heard on the [Radio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw)
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)
> 
> Don't forget to comment! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I've been having a bunch of post-op complications and couldn't write much but I'll try to get back up to speed!
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Jim stopped chewing on the end of his old school pencil and pointed the end with the pink eraser at Spock. “So let me get this straight, you can only get it up every seven years?”

Spock dropped his face into his hands. He was talking to Jim during their second ever vid-call after a few days of tip-toeing around each other about the new status of their relationship. Spock needed to explain the preliminary bond that seemed to take root in both their minds but with the talk of bonding came talk of _pon farr_ , which proved to be very, very difficult as Jim used it as an excuse to ask a lot of embarrassing questions.

“But as a half-Vulcan does this mean you can at least get the urge every three-and-a-half years?”

“Jim, I can ‘get it up’ just fine, _pon farr_ is the mating drive, the one time where I have no choice in putting off the urge… or taking care of it on my own. As for when it occurs, seeing as I am mostly Vulcan, genetically, I don’t think my mating cycle differs from the rest.”

“Ah, I getcha. So, when this…urge strikes you, do you chart when it will happen so I can have time to book a shuttle to Vulcan or does it come out of nowhere, because you mentioned something about dying?”

“Yes, if I don’t mate during that time period I don’t survive the blood fever of _plak tow_.”

Jim stared at him for a good ten seconds then threw his head back and laughed, “Holy shit, it’s literally fuck or die!”

“This isn’t funny, Jim.”

That only made Jim laugh harder.

Spock wasn't amused. “This is my life expectancy we are discussing, something that depends on you as I will not be in total control of myself once _pon farr_ grips me.”

Jim swiveled around in his desk chair, stretching his arms over his head. “Whatever you say, man, just as long as it’s not seven years, because I might as well become a monk in the meantime.”

Spock leaned back in his chair and scratched the top of I-Chaya’s head, who had his chin rested on Spock’s knee, his fangs curving in against the inside of his thigh. “I assure you, that won’t be necessary as I don’t need to be mentally altered by some primal drive to want to have you as a mate.”

“Is that Vulcan for _I don’t need beer-goggles to want to tap that ass_?”

 _“Jim.”_ Spock said indignantly.

Jim dissolved into a fit of giggles, accentuated by the little sneeze-like hitches of breath he made in between each small laugh. “Oh, lighten up.”

“You’re obnoxious.”

“I’m a riot!”

“No, but you could easily cause one.”

Jim stuck out his tongue good-naturedly. “You’re a pain.”

“And yet, you like me.”

“You bet your ass I do.”

“Why would I bet my non-existent donkey on how much you enjoy my company?” Spock asked in faux-innocence.

Jim groaned. “Oh my god, can you not?”

Spock smirked at him, playing the literal fool always won him their little battles on who could be the most frustrating.

“So, what else do I need to know?”

“Many things, but to stick to the more important information you need to know about our interpersonal stage in our relationship, you should know why you can occasionally feel me at the back of your mind.”

Jim stopped swaying his chair. “Wait, there’s an actual reason for that? It wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me?”

“I don’t believe it is, I believe it to be some strange, possibly accidental, preliminary bond.”

Jim dropped his pencil. “What?”

“I said we seem to have established some strange basis of a bond.”

“I heard what you said, but how is that even possible? We’ve never met, never touched, how can we form a bond over thousands of light-years?”

That was the part that made Spock the most uneasy about what should be very relieving news aside from finding out that Jim liked him back, that Jim wanted a relationship with him that went beyond that of mere friends and close to that of perfectly-matched bondmates.

“If I had an answer for that then I would tell you, but I have none, I found out this bizarre piece of information after my bonding with T’Pring failed. My grandmother T’Pau, who was building our bond, found the presence of an unfinished bond in my mind, a kind that established itself without the help of a third party.”

“How did it establish itself? I thought Vulcans were all about touch-telepathy and being all cerebral and stuff, where is the logical explanation for this?”

“There isn’t one. All I know is that this particular bond that links my mind to yours is already in a rare and unorthodox category.”

“What’s that?”

_“T’hy’la.”_

“In English please?”

“The closest translation for it is a compound of the words friend, brother and lover,” Spock took in a deep breath, readying himself for the shocked and panicked Jim was bound to have. “Essentially, it means soul mate.”

Jim tilted his head forward, looking up at him from under his lids, his mouth aimed down questioningly. “You pulling my leg?”

“Jim, doing such a thing would be physically impossible as I am light-years away, but if you do feel something tugging on your leg then I advise you to get up and run.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I’m just going to pretend that you didn’t try to make a joke.”

Spock only dignified him with a single arched eyebrow and a small, self-satisfied smile. “Good, because I made no such thing.”

Jim wrinkled his nose at him. “Anyway, you’re truly serious about this soul mate business? How does that even come about in normal circumstances?”

“In the days before Surak, Vulcans, as you probably know were nomadic warriors, to strengthen the relationship between fighters a form of the bond developed to link each two who closely guarded each other in battle.”

“Like blood-brothers?”

“A bit, yes. Over time this set the basis for compatibility tests in seeking out bondmates but sometimes a few didn’t have to go through tests or try out several partners before settling on one. Sometimes, whether by the hands of gods or some other great intelligence, a pair would just look at each other and know that there is no one else that they would want to share their mind with and those are _T’hy’la._ ”

“You Vulcans are surprisingly romantic, did you know that?”

“I suppose from your view we are, but we take telepathic bonds very seriously.”

“I would have  thought the whole myriad of relationships would be seen as pointless and illogical, and that the only purpose of marriage was political alliances and popping out heirs.”

“Don’t Humans also have a long history of arranged marriages, always for something political or something about inheritance? And when you talk about our having children as if it is some cold and detached duty, may remind you that on Earth you have establishments called sperm-banks where women go have children without having a second parent present or participating? And that many, many people only get married simply because a single encounter ended in a pregnancy?”

“Ouch, I never thought about that way.”

“I didn’t think so.”

“Then explain this, explain why people actually made a game out of getting you upset or angry or that completely hiding your emotions is in any healthy?”

Spock repeated what his father once told him. “We follow a system based on logic, and supposedly view emotions, or an excess of them that cloud our judgment as pointless, but sharing your mind with someone you are at ease with is very important.”

“Yeah, but you went from being completely ruled by your impulses to completely smothering them instead of finding a good balance between then, that isn’t logical, that isn’t even sane.”

Jim’s argument made him think of Healer Selek, who seemed to be the good balance Jim was speaking of, someone who seemed so at peace for suffering as much as he did. “I am starting to believe that myself, that Surak’s views were initially this but over time have become completely warped and extremist.”

“See, even you agree with me.”

“Do you have to win most of our arguments?”

Jim grinned at him cheekily, jokingly saying, “I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.”

A knock interrupted them. The door opened and Amanda poked her head through the door. “Spock, are you eating dinner in here today? Oh, hello, Jim!”

Jim waved. “Hi, Miss Grayson.”

“How’s Sadie?”

“She’s good, been leaving her barn more now that the snow’s melting. How’s the weather?”

“Scalding as usual.”

“Blegh, you and I will have to invest in large umbrellas and a bucket of ice when I visit.”

“Don’t forget to get sunblock – oh! And Chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate?”

“You can’t replicate chocolate on Vulcan?”

“No, unfortunately, Vulcans have a very…usual reaction to it?”

Jim looked very interested. “Unusual as in they break out in hives or get high?”

“More like embarrassingly drunk.”

_“Mother.”_

Amanda batted her hand, silently shushing him. “How are your studies going?”

“Good, I’m taking most of my online courses at Harvard, aiming to be done within two years.”

“What will you do after that, join Starfleet?”

Jim shrugged, a tinge of sadness flashing through his eyes. “Eh, maybe, who knows?”

“Tell me when you know, I could give you an insiders information on it,” she looked back to Spock. “Dinner here?”

“Yes, please.”

“Alright. When will we see you, Jim?”

“I’m thinking zooming over here in next month so I can attend Spock’s graduation, how’s that?”

“That’s great, and the coldest time of year, so the weather will be bearable.”

Jim offered her a thumbs-up. “Great!”

Amanda ducked back out of the room. “Have fun, you two.”

Jim gave the direction she stood in an adoring look. “I love your mom, can I borrow her?”

“You may not.”

“I’ll trade you Sadie for her.”

“How is a cow on par with my mother?”

“Sadie has been a great substitute for my mother.”

“That’s because your mother has not done any form of mothering.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“That will have to wait until April.”

Jim ran his tongue over his teeth, wagging his eyebrows suggestively. “You’re such a little shit, but I love it.”

Amanda came back in and handed Spock his food. I-Chaya rose up, sniffing the plate, Spock held it out of his reach and started eating quickly. I-Chaya tried to climb up on his lap and reach the plate but Spock stretched his arm further away. I-Chaya settled for gazing up at him sadly, guilting him.

Spock gave in, holding out a slice on a fork for I-Chaya to snatch and gobble down.

"Awww, is he giving you puppy dog eyes?"

"He is."

"How do you come to own a sabertooth bear like I-Chaya?"

"I'm not quite sure, but I-Chaya used to belong to my father and he was given to me as a gift when I was two years of age."

"Aww - oh, gift, I almost forgot, wait here.” Jim left the viewing field of his laptop camera. Spock heard a lot of off-scene rummaging and a few sounds similar to whenever he tuned his lute.

Jim dropped back in his seat, watching his wristwatch. “Ten, nine, eight, seven…”

“Jim, what are you doing?”

“Six, five, four…”

“Jim, is this another New Year?”

“…three, two, one, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Jim shouted, throwing up his arms, one hand wrapped around the neck of a guitar.

In the last two weeks, Spock had completely forgotten the date of his birthday, possibly because time on Vulcan went by faster than on Earth. “Thank you, Jim.”

Jim set the large body of his guitar on his lap. “This is a guitar by the way.”

“I know, Jim, my mother owned one. Why do you have it now?”

Jim’s cheeks flushed as he looked down. “Well, see, I couldn’t send you a gift like you did for me,” Jim showed him the back of his right hand, which wore the gold and black stone ring Spock sent him. “So I figured I’d try something else, and seeing as you wouldn’t get the point of me singing Happy Birthday to you, I thought I’d try something else, something that means something to me and hopefully will mean something to you since it’s kind of fitting and I better stop talking right now.”

Jim tuned the guitar one last time and cleared his throat. “Anyway, here’s _Wonderwall_ – just kidding!”

Jim began by plucking the guitar strings then transitioned into creating a smooth, soothing melody that filled Spock with a hazy, relaxing feel, like the warm steam of a bath after a long hard day.

 _“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,”_ Jim softly sang, locking eyes with Spock as he continued. _“They stumble wildly as they make their way across the universe…”_

Spock didn’t know what to say, he had considered composing a song for Jim on his lute instead of expressing his emotions outwardly or through descriptive words, as music could be received in any way depending on the listener, that way Jim wouldn’t react badly if Spock confessed to him verbally. But that was before Spock officially knew he had Jim, this was now and Jim was intentionally expressing how he felt emotionally, verbally and musically.

When Jim had finished singing, Spock had unknowingly sunk into his seat, his eyes shut, the corers of his lips slightly turned up.

“I didn’t bore you to sleep, did I?” said Jim.

Spock sat up. “No, not at all, I just couldn’t help myself, the song was very relaxing it.”

“It’s _Across the Universe_ by the Beatles, the words don’t apply much to us but I just found it very fitting for us.”

Spock found that truly did fit them, as the satellite that Earth sent out centuries ago carrying the image of a human man and woman raising their hands in a salute, all the while transmitting the sound waves of that famed song, is what alerted the Vulcans of the Human’s presence in the universe, prompting the First Contact that cemented Humans and Vulcans as the first in the Federation and as long-time reliable friends.

Yes, it was very fitting.

“I know this actually doesn’t count as a gift but it’s a placeholder until I finally get there, then I’ll give you your real gift.”

“Which is?”

Jim shook a finger at him. “If I told you then it would ruin the surprise.”

Jim’s PADD beeped. Jim frowned.

"What is it?"

When Spock turned back to the screen he found him frowning at his PADD.

“What is it?”

“Hmm? Oh, did I tell you I had an uncle? He suddenly remembered me and sent me a message, he’s also in Starfleet, in charge of setting up colonies on M-class planets the Federation claims. Anyway, him, his family and his wife’s family, the Rileys, are apparently on a planet I’m going to make a transition stop on during my travel to Vulcan so they’re inviting me to stay a day or two.”

“Is that a problem?”

Jim looked unsure. “I kind of want to meet him, maybe finally establish a family tie or something, but I also don’t want to prolong getting to Vulcan. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Of course not,” Spock said.  _Just get here as soon as possible_ , he added in his mind.

“My Uncle Jack says they’re already setting up for me and that two days is the maximum I should stay since there’s been a lot of issues going around the planet and he doesn’t want me to get in the middle of it if they issue a lockdown or something.”

“Issues, what issues?”

“Some kind of fungal disease.”

Spock hummed understandingly. “Then you better not venture outside barefoot.”

Jim slid down in his chair and brought up his feet, showing Spock his blue slippers. “Don’t worry, I won’t, I’m too used to protecting my feet from frostbite.”

“Where did you say this transition spot was again?”

“Some planet in the Alpha Quadrant called Tarsus IV.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know NASA transmitted Across the Universe to Polaris not Eridanus, where Vulcan is, but shhhhh just roll with it
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)
> 
> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ Don't forget to comment!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Jim plays is [That Green Gentleman](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f3K2sEHuIM)
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Spock, thanks to the fast orbit of his little red planet, was now close to his graduation from the Shi’Kahr Institute of Learning and he couldn’t wait to get out of there and away from his classmates.

But seeing as he aimed to attend the VSA he was still likely to end up with a good chunk of them, if he got admitted, that is.

Which was all hanging on the entrance test he was taking in two days. The very same one he had been studying endlessly for. The studying that had him glued to his desk, wound tight and sleep-deprived with drooping eyelids and a head that just wouldn’t stay up.

The e-book he was reviewing from darkened the pages to show a blue box alerting him that he had a new message from Jim: _Go to sleeeeeeeep already_.

He swiped the screen to the left to tiredly reply by pressing each button with one finger: **_I can’t._**

_You’re gonna do fine on the test, if you keep this up you’re gonna get so tired and so stressed that the minute you enter the exam you’ll either panic and forget everything or pass out then and there._

_Do yourself – and my brain, which has been getting all your stress transmitted through this wacked bond – a favor and go to sleeeeeeeep._

Spock could only type out: **_But Jim_** and his response was another _sleeeeeeeeeeeep_.

Spock couldn’t type anymore, he certainly couldn’t read anymore, he needed to reward his overworked brain by calling Jim.

He needed to see his voice and hear his face to ease up – _see his voice, hear his face?_ Spock couldn’t even _think_ anymore, let alone read or type!

Jim answered just as he reached over to turn on his bedside lamp. “Want me to sing you a lullaby?”

“If that will help ‘turn my brain off’, as you say, then by all means, serenade me with another Needles song.”

Jim, wearing an oversized white shirt and sleep shorts, his hair a mess around his head, his eyes heavy with sleepiness and his lips in a lazy, fond smile, could only offer Spock a tired chuckle and a shake of his head. “It’s the Beatles, Spock, not Needles, but if you really think that’ll help better than counting sheep then hold on while I get my guitar.”

Jim swung his legs over the bed and stretched, arcing his back just so his shirt rode up a few inches and revealing the jut of a hipbone. Spock’s mind, worn out as it was, didn’t prevent him from humming contently at the sight.

Jim caught him. He struck a ridiculous pose, one hand on the side of his head, threading his fingers through his hair, tapping his fingers on his head, and the other hand on his hip as he pivoted to the side and stuck out a leg, bringing out the lines accenting the muscles in his thigh and calf. “Like what you see?”

A well-rested Spock would answer, “Why are you asking a question you already know the answer to?” but this exhausted Spock could only hum agreeably.

Jim returned with his guitar and dropped back on the bed, tuning it carefully. “What will it be today?”

“I am unfamiliar with Terran music, you know that.”

“I know, I know, I was asking myself really. I’d play you _Hey, Jude_ but that gets real repetitive.”

“Play whatever you learned.”

Jim pondered the thought for a moment. “Ah, I know just the thing. It’s an old song, not as old as the ‘Needles’ but it should do.”

Spock waited but Jim didn’t play anything.

“Go brush your teeth and get into bed.”

“But –”

“Spock However-You-Pronounce-the-Rest-of-Your-Name, if you don’t get ready for bed I swear I will call your mother.”

Spock didn’t need to be warned again. He did as he was told as fast as his heavy body allowed him to and dropped into his bed, the PADD held up ahead of his head.

Jim, looking very proud of himself, started strumming. _“Things are shaping up to be pretty odd…”_

Having no choice in the matter, Spock’s eyes drooped shut and no amount of anxious desperation to study could move a single eyelash as Jim’s voice flowed in and out of focus as the buzzing and mental reviewing in Spock’s brain quieted down, making only room for the soft crooning of _“Things have changed for me and that's okay, I'm still the same, I'm on my way and I say things have changed for me and that's okay...”_

 

Spock proudly showed no sign that he was bristling with nerves as he stood in line outside the VSA, ready to take the entrance test. Jim was packing for Vulcan and sending him reminders to breathe, relax and remember he needed to also take the Starfleet entrance test.

 

**_Why should I also apply for Starfleet? Do you believe I won’t be accepted into the VSA?_ **

 

_I didn’t say that! I’m just saying it’s good to keep your options open, have a backup plan and all that, and besides, you hate it on Vulcan, you hate everyone around you and they hate you too so it might be for the best for you to leave them in the dust._

_Also it’s a good way for us to be close with the whole bond thing because I read up on it from this course on Xenobiology, mostly from Romulan and Betazoids, who are the closest things to Vulcans we have close info on - since you guys are shut tighter than a clam about your biology - in the whole telepathy and bonds stuff and they say distance is an awful thing._

_I mean, what if I get assigned to a ship and you’re stuck on Vulcan and we can never visit because Starfleet always assigns families or married couples to the same ship._

_It’s just a precaution._

_Keep your bangs on,_

_Jim,_

 

**_Your logic is sound, for once._ **

 

_Watch it, mister, or I’ll post-pone my trip._

 

Spock knew it was an empty threat but he didn’t want to risk anything, he needed Jim here and he needed him as soon as possible.

 

**_I will submit an entrance test for Starfleet as well. Have you done so? I remember you said you weren’t interested in enlisting._ **

 

_YAAAAY!_

_I know but I applied for the hell of it. I asked to be put on the Command track and turns out I have a Sorry-Your-Dad-Died scholarship waiting for me so I said why not? I could be the youngest captain in Starfleet history!_

 

Spock had no doubt that Jim could manage that. He thought of their previous messages about Jim having his own ship and serving alongside Spock, but Spock was a bit conflicted. As much as he wanted to be alongside Jim, he had spend his entire life working towards the VSA to prove himself to his father, his clan and everyone on Vulcan who looked down on his mother and doubted his abilities.

 

**_I wonder what tests one has to take to be put on the Command track, surely it’s nothing like the standard knowledge requirements that are needed for Engineering, Communications and Medicine._ **

 

_Nah, Command’s different because it’s not as predictable as technical issues or illnesses and infections, it’s all about strategy and diplomacy and how to maneuver yourself out of unpredictable situations with as much of your crew intact._

 

**_Like how your father saved 800 lives?_ **

 

Jim was quiet for several minutes. Spock had gotten closer to the VSA entrance in that time and he had a new set of worries. Were his words out of line? Did he offend Jim?

 

_Bzzt!_

 

_Yeah, like my dad. Imagine, if one of the Command tests was something like that situation and what you would to get away from it because nothing is as unpredictable as a deadly anomaly in Klingon space where you have to evacuate everyone but yourself._

 

Idle conversation took up the rest of the wait. By the time it was Spock’s turn to take the test Jim had sent him pictures of his neatly packed clothes, one of his chickens and Sadie the cow kneeling in the grass and his neighbors coming over to take care of the farm.

 

 

_Good luck! And if you say the notion of luck is illogical I will kick your ass._

 

Spock shook his head fondly and turned off his PADD, squaring his shoulders and entering the test.

He did a lot better than he expected, his memory was strangely but excellently jogged every time he hummed the tune of Jim’s song from yesterday.

Stonn on the other hand came out of the test in a publically irrational rage that had Spock smirking smugly the whole walk home.

 

On his way back into his compound, Jim vid-called him from his phone.

Jim was dressed in a blue shirt that brought out his eyes, with black shades on his hair and a leather jacket over his shoulder, holding the phone high above his head and dragging his luggage behind him. “Hey, how’d you do?”

“Quite well.”

“See? I told you that burning your brain out was counterproductive.”

An announcer’s voice overtook their voices.

“Shit, that’s my shuttle! I gotta go, I’ll call you when I land!”

“Be safe, Jim.”

With one last bright grin and a wink, Jim ended the call and Spock’s side ached with every prolonged clench of his heart.

Jim will be fine and he will be here in three days.

Spock stopped by Selek’s house when the call ended. Leonard the cat was seated on the small wall around the house, blinking up at the sun with narrowed eyes.

Spock scooped up the cat and knocked the door. The door creaked open on its own and there was no sign of Selek in the kitchen or the adjacent sitting room but the sound of soft, calm music made its way out of a room at the very back, accompanied by a charm-filled voice singing in an uplifting tone.

Spock toed off his shoes, dropped the cat on the armchair and quietly made his way into the house.

He found Selek slumped in a chair in the corner of his bedroom with what looked like a miniature sound system built in the form of an early 20th Century radio.

Selek looked very deep in thought. His fingers, which held a small, glass picture frame, trapped along with the song.

Spock sat across from him on the bed, concerned. “Are you alright?”

Selek’s tired eyes, which were greying at the edges, flit to him, surprised to find him there. His hearing must have lessened in his old age. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“Are you quite sure?” Spock asked, searching the old man’s wrinkled face. “I am not asking about your health but about your current state, you seem very…” Spock couldn’t find a better word for it. “…upset.”

“I am. I know you must find it completely pointless and unproductive for one to be nostalgic, or to mourn after so many years, but it seems that I am stripped of all my logic or all my drive to be logical during several significant days each year.” Selek looked at the picture frame, a small, sad smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “This time today, roughly sixty-five years ago, was the first time I met my captain and crew.”

Selek set the frame down by the radio, which was currently playing _It’s Been A Long, Long Time_ by Henry James  & His Orchestra, a very old, grainy and slightly muted song, like Spock was listening to it with one ear blocked. This must have been the kind of music Seamus liked listening to.

The picture frame held a picture of Selek’s old crew, probably only from the Bridge because they were eight people standing in front of a shining new starship.

In the middle was a man in Command gold with his hands on his hips, this must have been Seamus Church. He was broad and blond with eyes that shined with pride and fulfillment, almost as bright as his lopsided winning smile. He was a shorter than the two who bordered him, to his right was the tall imposing figure of a much-younger Selek, hands behind his back, face neutral, and to his left was an older man with a hairstyle that harkened back to the pre-Federation days of earth and twinkling blue eyes that matched his shirt – blue for Sciences, Spock remembered.

Next to Selek was a short dark woman in red with a hairstyle that reminded Spock of a beehive and next to her was a blonde woman in blue – possibly a co-worker of the physician to Seamus’ left – and next to the doctor in mention was a man in red who looked very proud of himself, as if he built the starship behind them. Half-leaning on the man in red was the youngest and shortest of the bunch with floppy brown hair and an arm on the man next to him, who was standing on his toes and stretching his head up. Both wore gold.

“Are they all dead?”

Selek shut his eyes and bowed his head.

Of course they were dead, that was a stupid question, considering that Selek had to be over a hundred years old and the average human life lasted roughly a hundred years while Vulcans could reach a hundred-and-fifty and beyond.

It made him wonder, how long would Jim live? How long would Spock live after him? Could he stand living the way Selek did now, the last of a unit?

“Did you need something, Spock?”

Spock stopped staring at the picture. “No, I just found Leonard and thought you might have accidentally locked him out.”

“How is your friend?”

“Good. He is coming to visit this week.”

Selek’s eyebrows rose. “Is that so? How old is your friend, might I ask?”

“Sixteen Standard Years.”

Selek stayed quiet. It unnerved him.

“Is there something wrong with his age?”

Selek’s eyes held a hint of worry. “Human brains aren’t done growing until their early twenties, are you sure you want to bind your own mind to someone who is still developing?”

“Did you think T’Pring was fully developed? I found her quite beneath me, intellectually and personally.”

“Spock, you have to understand that humans are unlike us, they don’t choose one path and one person in their youth and remain with this choice till their deaths. Have you considered that he might change his mind?”

Spock stood. “Why are you suddenly discouraging me? You told me to pursue Jim.”

“To pursue him in general, not decide to become co-dependent with him now.”

Spock didn’t think he needed to sit and listen to depressing words of a compromised and senile old man and headed out of the house and back to his own, back to admitting an application to Starfleet.

The first two days passed in anticipation and boredom. Spock had reread _The Fellowship of the Ring_ and finished its two sequels and _The Hobbit_ , then, out of nothing but curiousity, of course, he opened up _The Simarillion_.

He sent Jim a few messages but didn’t get a single response aside from the message Jim sent to signal his vessel touching down on the planet.

 

_Spock,_

 

_I'm safe and sound on good ol' Terra Firma - but exactly on Terra more like Tarsa Firma - but whatever_

_One more flight till I see you! The first thing I'm going to do is hug you so hard I'll crack a rib or two or just hug you and swing you around, I know you're heavier than me but that's how excited I am to see you._

_The second thing I'm going to do is touch your ears, so if that offends you, be offended now and not later, 'kay?_

_The third thing is I'm going to spike up your hair because as much as I love your face I can't stand that stupid bowl cut._

_Can't wait to see you, you overgrown elf._

_Love you,_

_Jim,_

 

Perhaps Jim forgot to charge his PADD or he wanted to put a distance between them so their meeting could be more meaningful.

The third day finally rolled by and the hour of Jim’s arrival was upon them. Spock – as calmly and as stoically as possible – hustled his mother out of the house and off to the airport.

He waited and paced, running their first meeting over and over in his mind, how he was going to greet Jim. Humans shook hands but that was taboo on Vulcan, could Spock shake his hand without turning as green as a lime? Will Jim hug him? Will he run towards him from his terminal, happy to see him and ready to tell him all about his exhausting trip?

Three more hours passed, Jim didn’t answer his messages.

Two more hours passed. Spock had pestered the attendants about Jim’s flight number at least six times now.

Another hour passed. Spock was getting antsy.

Another hour.

And another.

The sun finally set, casting the world around him in pale blue light.

Jim’s flight never made it to Vulcan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUN!
> 
> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ Don't forget to comment!
> 
>  
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle your seat belts, dollies, because we are going on a Feels Trip!
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Graduation was close, the applications were being reviewed and processed and there was still no sign from Jim.

With nearly thirty messages sent, frequent, obsessive glances at his PADD, and restless nights full of tossing and turning fueled by dozens of What-If scenarios about where Jim was, why there was no news about his shuttle’s delay or why Jim wasn’t answering him.

Spock wanted to assure himself that this was like all the times Jim forgot to answer him, that his PADD had run out of battery and he didn’t notice or that somebody had stolen it, but that also didn’t explain the shuttle that did arrive, did that run out of power or get stolen too?

Could Jim’s shuttle have been intercepted by Romulans on its way to Vulcan?

That thought was the most likely and frankly, the most worrying.

Spock jumped out of his bed and was out of his room before I-Chaya could grunt questioningly.

He knocked and entered his mother’s room, it was light only by a globe of light on her nightstand and she was huddled up in the middle of the bed, hugging a pillow while wrapped up in her red bed-cover. She was watching an old black and white vid on the curved screen across from her bed, the wavering, tinny music coming from it made the hairs on Spock’s arms rise as a deep-voiced man said something about a Twilight Zone.

“Spock, honey, why aren’t you in bed?”

Spock sat at the edge of her bed, playing with his fingers. “Mother, has the airport called at all about Jim’s whereabouts?”

Amanda muted the vid. “I’m afraid not, sweetie, they’re still looking. Jim’s flight could have lost its communication system, making it hard to land anywhere without contacting the planet first.”

“You think he could have been hovering near Vulcan for three days, waiting for the shuttle’s system to go back online so he could land without being declared an attacking enemy?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time that happened.”

“If he is in Vulcan space, how come now one reported it or tried to contact them? How are we sure he even came close to Vulcan? What if the entire shuttle lost power and is lost floating in space with no means of contact, power or heating?” Spock’s panic dragged down his insides like claws on a curtain.

Spock got up. “We have to find him!”

Amanda pushed him back down. “Spock, he’s probably fine, plane flights always got delayed on Earth.”

“For seven hours to an entire night, not three days with no word or warning. If there was a delay we would have been informed. We need to find out if his plane ever left that planet.”

Amanda seemed to be considering it but she just patted his cheek and told him to go back to bed. “I’ll talk to your father, see if he can contact the planet and ask about Jim.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, now go back to sleep, you need to get through that graduation ceremony with your eyes open.”

Spock grudgingly agreed and left. One his way out of the room he caught a glimpse of what his mother was watching, a black and white episode of a man on a plane being scared by a demonic apparition outside the airplane window.

The man eerily resembled Selek’s Seamus.

Spock dragged his feet back to his room and crashed down on his bed, tapping his PADD in hope that this time he would find a message assuring him of anything but there wasn’t any.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t much sleep and on top of being grumpy, exhausted, twitchy and concerned, Spock had a lot of childish displeasure swimming about at the fact that Jim missed his graduation, mostly directed at whatever repairs or complications the shuttle had that made Jim miss one of the most important moments of his life.

Spock left the open-air stage of the graduation ceremony, quickly evading Stonn, T’Pring and everyone else in between. Shrugging off his white hooded ceremonial gown and balling it under his arm, he reached his mother in the back of the audience seats and turned up his hands questioningly.

“Your father is at the embassy, he contacted Earth and they’re contacting Tarsus IV, they’ll tell us immediately when they know what happened to Jim’s flight,” Amanda said with her most assuring smile, patting Spock’s arm. “Just be patient.”

Spock had been patient for three days. Three days. The trip to Vulcan should have taken two, maximum arrival by now.

While escorting his mother back to their hovercar Spock and Amanda passed through the center of the school and right by the fountain of Pan and his human apprentice, the one T’Pring pushed him into.

Standing in front of the fountain was Selek, turning something flat and gold around between his fingers.

Spock’s mother tugged on his arm, insisting on saying hello.

“Fancy seeing you here, neighbor,” greeted Amanda cheerfully. “You here to cheer on your grandchildren?”

Selek didn’t face them. “I have no children, Doctor Grayson. I just come to visit this spot whenever I find myself in a troubled mood.”

One part of Spock wanted to ask why, to reach out and ask if he needed a listening ear but the other part of him was still angry about what Selek said about Jim.

But it also made him wonder, did he know something?

Selek put the gold medallion back around his neck and stuck his hands in his robe pockets, eyes slightly distant but completely sad. “Congratulations, Spock, I imagine you will have a bright and interesting future beyond this establishment.”

And with that, Selek bowed his head to Amanda and tool his leave, further telling Spock that the old man definitely knew something.

When they returned to their house Spock went to drop off his things in his room. When he touched his PADD to check if the longed-for (1) in his Inbox had finally arrived a spark of pain tore through his head.

He steadied himself but the pain returned with a harsher, more intense recurrence right above and behind his left eye, like someone was driving a hot, electrically-charged skewer through his brain.

Something was wrong and it wasn’t with Spock’s brain.

He tried running back out but the throbbing pain spread to the red of his head as he felt like something deep within his mind was being twisted and stretched beyond its limit.

Leaning on the wall of the hallway, Spock slide himself alongside it, his left eye twitching, his sight becoming slightly unfocused, and finding himself unable to string two thoughts together and walk at the same time.

His end of the bond was suffering, why was it suffering? What was happening to Jim?

If this was a real, complete bond he would have known how Jim was, been able to talk to him or know his whereabouts but now he could barely pick up on any sort of feeling or state.

The sound of his mother’s voice flew out of the sitting room, he couldn’t make out what she was saying but he knew that tone – terror.

Projected from his father’s communicator was a series of news reports whose titles sucked the blood out of his face.

 

**5500 SLAUGHTERED IN EARTH COLONY**

**MASSACRE ON TARSUS IV, OVER 300 SETTLER FAMILIES REPORTED DEAD**

**SUDDEN FOOD SHORTAGE PROMPTS AROUND-THE-CLOCK KILLINGS**

**EARTH COLONY ON PLANET-WIDE LOCKDOWN, STARFLEET TO INTERVENE**

 

“Jim…” Spock choked. “What about Jim?”

“Starfleet were unable to contact any of the consulates set up on the planet, it is likely that they have been shut down or their workers have been dispatched,” explained Sarek, shutting his communicator. “It is unlikely that we will find your friend any time soon.”

“But I need to find him now.”

“Spock, this is an incredibly serious situation, an entire planet lost its ability to grow food, prompting them to instantly kill all their livestock, ration their food and routinely kill hundreds of people so a select few don’t starve, finding one person hardly matters at this moment.”

Spock’s deep consciousness twisted itself further, stretching so hard that the pain blocked out the sight in his left eye and smothered the hearing in his right ear, retaining a stuffed feeling and a tinny, whistling noise. “He matters to me.”

“You can’t have one person you never met outweigh the lives of the many in the same situation.”

“Jim is my T’hy’la.”

That revelation almost forced an expression Sarek’s face. “Are you certain?”

“T’Pau confirmed it after my bonding with T’Pring failed.” Spock stepped forward and nearly dropped to the floor but was caught in time by his mother. “There is something wrong with our preliminary bond, it is like it’s being stretched beyond its capabilities – something is happening to Jim and I need it to stop, I need him safe.”

Sarek didn’t take long to consider Spock’s plea. “Take Spock to a healer, try to have his bond blocked while I enlist the help of other ambassadors to pressure Starfleet about this situation on Tarsus IV.”

“I don’t want to block it!”

Amanda steadied Spock and led him out the door quickly. “We have no choice here, if we don’t shut it off or at least mute it, it could cripple you.”

Spock tried shaking his head but the pain traveled down to his neck, cramping the muscles there.

Amanda knocked on Selek’s door, he opened immediately, cradling Leonard the cat in one arm.

“Selek, you need to do something, quickly!”

Without question, Selek let them in, dropped the cat on the kitchen counter and directed her to have Spock lie down on the island.

Spock lied down on his back, shutting his eyes from the pain and the bright light from the kitchen ceiling. He tried to protest again but his mother took a pause from explaining things to Selek to shush him.

Selek leaned over him, his face partially washed out by the overhead light and tapped Spock’s cheek. Spock opened his mouth and accepted a thermometer. It beeped seconds later.

“Too high, even for a Vulcan. If we don’t shut off whatever is being transmitted into his mind the fever could cause some permanent damage,” said Selek, setting a cool wet cloth on Spock’s forehead.

Spock couldn’t speak, couldn’t even open his eyes.

“Don’t resist.” Selek set on his fingertips on the psi-points of Spock’s face and was instantly a presence sifting through Spock’s mind. Several images of Jim rushes past the surface of his thoughts, the sound of his voice and brightness of his hair tied in with the faint feeling of his bond’s presence, but like a full sink being unplugged, everything Spock was feeling got spiraled and sucked into a black hole.

He blinked. The pain was gone, his eyesight was back and whatever inkling of Jim’s psyche that he had before was gone.

“What does this mean?” he asked Selek, his voice unsteady, worry manifesting inside him like a dozen squirming worms.

He didn’t get an answer, just a sad look.

“Answer me!”

“What you were feeling was the backlash of a severed bond.”

“Severed? What severed it? What caused this?”

Amanda tried pushing him back down. “I think you should try to calm down for a minute –”

Spock threw her hand off, sitting up to face Selek. “You know something about this, I know you do, why won’t you tell me?”

Selek didn’t say anything. He quietly entered his bedroom and shut the door.

Amanda wrapped an arm around his shoulders and steered him out of the house and back to their own.

“How was it severed if it wasn’t established?” Spock asked, feeling very slow and unsteady. “Why are you all avoiding giving me an answer?”

“Because we don’t know.” She threw open the door and helped him back in their house. Spock dropped into the couch in the sitting room, dazed despite the lack of pain, as most of his senses were watered down as his hearing was still muffled and retained the whistling sound.

Sarek returned to the sitting room, clutching his communicator. Spock looked to him hopefully. “Did Starfleet cooperate?”

“They did. They have sent people to intervene but it might be a while before we have any news apart from what was issued today.”

“What was issued?”

Sarek looked to Amanda then to Spock. “Your friend, what was his family name?”

“Kirk. Why do you ask?”

“Is there any other family he could have been associated with on the planet?”

“He mentioned relatives called Riley. Why, what is the significance of this question?”

Sarek sighed. “I apologize, Spock, my efforts have been in vain.”

Spock nearly slipped off the couch. “How so?”

Sarek flipped open his communicator and a holographic list of names appeared.

 

**EXECUTED INDIVIDUALS:**

_LIAM RILEY_

_SORCHA RILEY (née FINNEGAN)_

_FINN RILEY_

_MARLIESE RILEY (née VAN RUISDAEL)_

_MARCIE RILEY_

_AIDAN RILEY_

_CAROLINE RILEY (née THIBIDEAUX)_

_PATRICK RILEY_

_KEVIN RILEY_

_–_

_TIBERIUS KIRK_

_JACK KIRK_

_FIONA KIRK (née RILEY)_

_LIAM KIRK_

_SEAN KIRK_

_ROSALIE KIRK_

_JAMES KIRK_

 

 _James Kirk_ was the last thing Spock saw before his vision became blurry.

The dizziness maximized and everything in the world seemed to slow down as Spock fell to his hands and knees and acidic vomit shot out of his mouth with harsh body-shaking coughs and gags.

His mother talked to him, asked him if he was alright and tried moving him. His father helped him sit up, asking him to move, but Spock couldn’t, he felt boneless.

Several things happened in quick succession, but he wasn’t sure if he witnessed them, heard them, imagined them or assumed what exactly had happened because he wasn’t sure if he was entirely conscious. There was a tipped-over coffee table, somebody dropped a glass of water that shattered on the floor, someone stepped on a shard and bleed across the carpeted hall between the bedrooms and Spock had ended up in his bed, blinking at his bedside digital clock.

Three or six hours passed with every blink. Sometimes an entire day or two passed without him truly feeling it or leaving his bed. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to fall into a deep, deep sleep and never wake up. He knew he couldn’t dream but he wished he did so he could have an excuse to be not sure if waking life was not just a realistic dream.

Several days passed with his mother pleading with him to snap out of it, with I-Chaya curling around him protectively and staying that way for hours, with his father coming in and out of the room, refilling glasses of water, hauling him out of bed to shower or wash his face or attempt to walk him out of his room, but Spock didn’t see the point.

At some point his father told him that he was leaving for Tarsus IV to help with the Starfleet intervention, Spock didn’t see the point of that either.

Selek visited a few times and asked him a few questions, checked his temperature and left him medicinal solutions, Spock didn’t see the point in taking any of them.

He didn’t see the point of anything anymore.

Quite frankly, he wished he could suddenly cease to exist.

 

* * *

 

Several days had passed until Spock finally snapped out of his borderline catatonia. Selek explained to his mother that Spock was in a depressive state and was as likely to leave it as he was likely to erase his emotions, erase the delusional feeling at the back of his mind that Jim wasn’t truly gone.

He wasn’t sure if this was gut instinct, some lingering power of whatever tethered them together before, or if it was just foolish hope.

The emotions in mention were eating at Spock’s insides like fast-acting corrosive acid, accompanied by sharp, piercing jabs of pain every time he breathed or thought of Jim. It was like his ribs were curling in and piercing his organs.

He wished he could shut it all off like Selek shut off his severed bond. He wished there was a way he could truly cease to care and be as emotionless as every one on this damned planet pretended to be.

No…not everyone. There were a few who succeeded in purging all their emotions, those who completed the ritual of _Kolinahr_ didn’t have to feel a thing ever again.

Spock didn’t even bother putting on his shoes, he just ran out of the house in his sleepwear, ignoring his mother’s concerned shouts as he headed out of their compound, into the dark desert and toward Elder T’Pau’s residence.

A mile into his spontaneous run, Spock doubled over, hands on his knees, gasping for air.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have gone out this late.

While he was deciding whether to head back home or continue towards T’Pau the silence around him was broken a loud hiss.

The hissing grew louder as the sound of something dragging itself across the sand came in his direction. Spock hurried back but the thick-set, two-legged, long-tailed scaly _le-matya_ hurried after him, its yellow eyes glowing in the dark, its mouth wide open, fangs curved and dripping with venom.

The _le-matya_ pounced and Spock ran as fast he could but soon slammed his foot into a small boulder and crashed onto the ground.

The _le-matya_ hurried, mouth open, hissing loud and menacing but something came from the far left and barreled into it, making them both roll far away from Spock, biting, hissing and growling at each other.

I-Chaya and the _le-matya_ ’s struggle ended with one last bite from the scaly beast. The _le-matya_ returned its gaze to Spock and crawled to him, Spock called I-Chaya’s name but he didn’t stir. Crippling fear kept Spock frozen in his place, one part of him truly considering letting the _le-matya_ kill him, but a red beam of light hit the _le-matya_ , burning a hole through its head.

Selek stopped next to Spock, holding a phaser. “Are you unharmed?”

Spock took the chance to crawl to his pet. “I am, but I-Chaya, it bit him!”

Selek beat him to I-Chaya and placed a hand on his large furry brown head, stroking between its round ears before attempting a meld with him.

Spock knelt next to them expectantly, moving I-Chaya’s head to his lap as he stroked the ailing _sehlat_ ’s fur. “Will he be alright?”

“I’m afraid not, _le-matya_ venom is deadly, even to something of this size and strength.”

“NO. No, there has to be something, cut out the parts of the muscle it bit, give him something to block the venom, anything!”

Selek shook his head and retrieved a hypo-spray from his robe pocket. “I am sorry, Spock.”

Spock hugged I-Chaya’s head, shaking his own fervently. “Please don’t…”

“He will suffer a long and painful death if I don’t put him down.”

Spock looked down at I-Chaya, who looked up at him with sad, pained black eyes. “Please, you can’t take him away from me. Not him too.”

Selek moved Spock’s hand from I-Chaya’s neck and carefully pressed the short needles of the hypo into a patch of skin before pressing the plunger. I-Chaya’s pained whimpering slowly faded and his eyes fluttered shut, never to open again.

Spock couldn’t breathe. He was all choked up as hot tears burned his eyes and his body shook with silent sobs.

He went out into the desert to be rid of his emotions, to be rid of this sick, miserable feeling of loss and grieving but what he did only ended with triple the amount of it all.

He wanted to take Selek’s phaser, put the barrel in his mouth and pull the trigger because, Vulcan or not, he couldn’t take deal with this anymore.

Selek half-carried Spock back home. Spock kept looking over his shoulder to the still mound of fur that was I-Chaya, wishing that he would wake up and hurry after them, that this was all another ploy to get more leftover food.

Spock sat at the edge of his bed and finally broke down, not caring if the entire compound heard him.

 

* * *

 

Spock fell back into another depressive state, worse than the first, thinking of both Jim and I-Chaya and why the gods were suddenly punishing him. Was it because he dissolved his bonding with T’Pring? Was it because he was half-human? What did he do to deserve this much loss in such a short amount of time?

Selek appeared in his room the day Spock and Amanda buried I-Chaya. He was dressed in what Spock could assume was white fur-lined winter gear and held Leonard in his arms. “How do you fair?”

If he were Jim he would tell Selek to _fuck off and leave him alone to die_ , but Spock wasn’t Jim, would never be Jim, Jim himself was no-longer Jim.

Selek didn’t seem to need an answer, he set down the bag on Spock’s bed, by his feet, and handed the cat to Spock.

The cat quickly made himself comfortable on Spock’s lap, purring contently. “He is such a soothing creature.”

“Would you like to have him? I know that he is no replacement for your _sehlat_ but he is an excellent companion.”

Spock didn’t have it in him to be shocked. “Why would you give him to me? Are you leaving?”

“I am, and the place I am heading to is no place for a cat.”

Spock reached out. “Don’t leave, not you, too.”

“I’m afraid staying is not an option, but I need you to promise me something before I go.”

“What is it?”

Selek picked up Spock’s PADD and accessed Spock’s Inbox, opening an unread acceptance letter from Starfleet in one window and another from the Vulcan Science Academy in another window. “Promise me you won’t let this small point in your life ruin the rest of it. I know it may seem as if there is no advancement from your current position because there won’t be unless you choose to advance. Take time to mourn but don’t let it overtake your life, Jim would not want you to waste your potential, to waste what you could and should be just because you believe he is forever gone.”

Spock skimmed through both letters, remembering his conversation with Jim about how they had the option of attending Starfleet together and serving on the same starship, but Jim wasn’t here, at least that is what Spock and whoever wrote down the names of Kodos the Executioner’s victims believed.

But Selek always seemed to know what others didn’t and Spock had a feeling that he had information on what truly happened to Jim, that Jim didn’t truly die or at least stay dead.

Jim might still be out there, somewhere, perhaps in some alternate universe that could be found on the other end of a black hole or through an ion storm, and if he was still alive in this universe he would definitely fight his way back to Starfleet and to his own ship.

And if he was out there still, Spock would fight twice as hard to make sure that they both ended up on that ship someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)
> 
> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ Don't forget to comment!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, so sorry this took so long, I've been busy and recently my computer crashed and deleted EVERYTHING, including the document I was writing the fic on.  
> I'll try to get back into weekly updates!
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

 

 

Leonard was anxious. Spock was anxious too, but he would never admit to it.

In all honestly, traveling by shuttle, on his own with just a cat and four strangers was pretty unsettling.

After Selek had disappeared and his father couldn’t turn out anymore news about Tarsus IV Spock had made his decision. He accepted his spot at Starfleet and turned down the VSA, but not before doing his father and clan the honor of going in for the interview, that way he could use the predictable insult to his mother as a good excuse to head to Earth.

Amanda had offered to join him on the trip, make it easier for him to navigate his way around humans and settle among them but she was needed on Vulcan, near his father and near the Shi’Kahr Institute, where she, along with several other outworlders had taken up the job of introducing Vulcan children to the cultures of other Federation planets.

No, this was his decision and he was going to manage it on his own, just as Jim had managed his entire life.

Jim. Just thinking about him, not even imagining his face, remembering his words or reconstructing his voice within his mind, hurt like forcing open through a healing wound.

It didn’t help that he had lost I-Chaya as well, his closest companion and oldest source of comfort and had been given the tiny orange replacement that was Leonard, who like tearing up boxes, vomiting on carpets and sharpening his claws in the furniture.

Spock pressed his face against his window, the glass flattening his cheek, pushing up his hair and cooling his skin. They had entered the Solar System a few hours ago and were nearing the infamous Red Planet.

Spock had expected Mars to be a replica of Vulcan, but it wasn’t hot, wasn’t even habitable and lastly, it wasn’t even red, it was a disappointing shade of orange, like his mother’s tomato basil soup.

Spock tapped the glass of his window, entertaining the idea of what would happen if it broke, if a crack went through it as they entered Earth’s atmosphere and it sucked out all the air and gravity, applying the immense pressure of space, exploding his tongue and eyeballs, contracting his throat before he could scream.

All of that would hurt a lot less than the severing of his half-formed bond, one built on so much hope and yearning.

Even in his despaired state, a sense of ease soothed his nerves as the shuttle passed the Moon and the big blue splendor that was Earth came up in the shuttle’s windshield. This was his mother’s home, home of Starfleet, home of Jim and now his home too, and the last place in the galaxy where he could find answers on what happened on Tarsus IV.

All he had to do was work his way up the ranks, become an instructor, a ranked officer, the confidant of some captain, admiral or even one of their yeomen, only then could he have access to that kind of information.

It shouldn’t take too long; he was Vulcan after all.

“We are now entering Earth’s atmosphere, make sure your seat-belts are on tight, all your electronic devices are off and to either yawn or blow your ears, because the air pressure is going to be tight.”

Spock put Leonard’s travel box on his lap and stuck a hand in to push down the cat’s ears, yawning just as the shuttle fell out of warp drive and soared down through the atmosphere.

Tension in his lower gut, goosebumps flying up his skin, Spock closed his eyes and felt Earth’s gravity pull him closer and closer.

They landed with a jump four feet above ground.

“Welcome to Earth, hope you enjoy your say,” said the pilot.

Spock stepped off the shuttle and immediately tripped over air.

The gravity here was a lot different, and it was very, very cold even it was summer.

A shuttle to Starfleet was already waiting for him, he got on as quick as he could, shushing Leonard, who had to be getting the same kind of oxygen shock Spock was braving through.

Before the new shuttle could fill up somebody dropped down in the seat next to him. Spock half expected some kind of harassment, the usual sort he fended off in school but the girl who invaded his space didn’t seen malicious at all.

Black hair styled in a beehive-like bun, thin brown skin and shining excited eyes with long, frayed eyelashes framing them, the girl greeted him in sloppy standard Vulcan, cringing over her broken pronunciation of some of the words, “Greetings and welcome to Earth, what is thy name?”

“I am Spock of House Surak,” Spock replied in English, much to her relief. “Xeno-linguistics?”

“I am, yes – I mean, yes, I am studying Xeno-linguistics.” She offered him her hand. “I’m Uhura.”

Spock stared at the outstretched hand. Uhura looked offended that he didn’t take it. He offered her a salute instead. “Touch-telepath.”

“Oh. I don't remember that from Intro to Xenobiology.”

"Perhaps it's because Vulcans don't like disclosing too much information about ourselves, or our habits." Namely, Pon Farr.

"Perhaps."

The shuttle filled up, the doors closed and they carefully took off again. Sometime during the long, silent ride Uhura asked about his cat, what he was doing on Earth and a few accidentally offensive questions followed by rambling apologies.

Her curiosity was quite endearing and her company was nice. Sufficed to say, Spock may have made his first human friend.

Human friend that he met in person, at least.

Starfleet Academy came into view as they hovered over San Francisco and when they touched down Spock set off a timer in his mind. Between now and graduation he will at least figure out where Jim was or at least what happened to him.

And if he didn’t like the answer, he’d have to wait until he made rank aboard a ship then figure out a way to warp physics and enter whatever parallel universe had them as captain and first mate, and maybe then he'd let Leonard freely tear up the furniture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ This chapter was written with the aid of Twenty One Pilots' new album! 
> 
> TOP's [Doubt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwU8UgkDca0) and [Trees](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szp9x1ZlZn4) were what I listened to get through this chapter.
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Earth, Stardate 2254

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, not a thing was stirring, not even a mouse – and that was because there was a large orange cat on the loose.

“Leonard!”

Leonard flew across the reception area of the academy, past the cafeteria and straight into the first floor of student housing, Spock on his trail the entire time, careful not to slip on his woolly socks and trying to keep his robe on.

While it didn’t snow in this area of America, it was still incredibly cold, especially for Spock whose definition of cold was _slightly less smoldering_ , and he had made the simple mistake of opening the door to put out his muddy boots, letting Leonard slip out like a proverbial bat out of hell.

Spock didn’t see the significance of the speed of a bat emerging from a fictional land of punishment but it fit the situation.

“Leonard!”

The cat went into the hall that held the first few rooms of student housing, usually reserved for those on Command track and Medicine, and the stairs that led further up and he started scratching at room 5 and yowling.

“LEONARD!”

The door opened and a tall, grumpy, round-faced man with floppy hair reminiscent of mid-20th Century actors growled, “What?”

Spock picked up his cat. “Excuse me?”

“You were calling me, what do you want?”

“I was referring to him,” said Spock, raising the cat in mention.

Amusement tinged the man’s clear Southern drawl, despite his persistent grumpy expression. “What kind of a Vulcan names a cat Leonard?”

What kind of a Vulcan indeed. “He came with the name.”

“It’s a lame name, I would know,” said Leonard the Human, scratching Leonard the Cat’s head. “Most just call me McCoy, much easier that way.”

Spock heard a bubbly laugh from inside the room. “ _Leonard._ Your name has nerd in it.”

McCoy shouted, “I thought I told you to sleep it off?” into his room.

Another laugh was his answer. His roommate appeared to be inebriated.

Without giving Spock another glance, McCoy shut the door with a “Goddammit, what am I going to do with you?”

Leonard squirmed in Spock’s arms, inching back towards the door. Spock bundled the cat in his robe and went back to his room, wondering what had possessed him to seek out this room in the first place.

 

* * *

 

Uhura, as per usual, went home with Christine Chapel for the holidays but not without leaving Spock his gift: a box of expensive chocolates filled with every possible flavor. He favored the strawberry cream filling.

Ever since Uhura and her friends attempted to get him drunk and failed, only to offer him a bite of her chocolate bar and achieve the desired effect, Spock has been given all varieties of candy to test his reactions, but so far only chocolate made him loose-tongued, unable to walk straight and either very angry or very weepy.

On the five-year mark of Jim’s disappearance, Spock ate an entire box of Swiss chocolate bars and punched a wall, burrowing a hole into it and scaring Uhura to the point she called Chapel to sedate him.

Spock was nearly seventeen when he lost him and now he was twenty-six, done with his education, his stint as a Teacher’s Assistant and now two years into his position as a professor in the Science department of the Academy. He has since visited the farm in Iowa, bought it and arranged for it to be managed by Jim’s neighbors, who sent him updates about the animals, especially Sadie the dairy cow.

Apart from that, he has read and reread _Lord of the Rings_ and the _Hobbit_ till he memorized entire chapters but had yet to watch the films because that was something they’d do together.

Spock was alone in the teacher’s lounge in the seat by the window, reading a recommended classic supposedly along the veins of Tolkein’s work, but Spock didn’t find anything whimsical or heartwarming about _A Game of Thrones_. Opening up on a murder, incest and frequent backstabbing, this book was overloading his tolerance for human depravity, and he had been told that things progressively get worse.

Evening out his horrifying read was a mug of hot chocolate, Leonard purring on his lap and his music of choice playing softly in the room, it was a collection of songs from the few bands Jim covered on his guitar and the bands similar to them, ones with bizarre names like the Beatles, Panic! at the Disco and the Arctic Monkeys.

Panic’s _That Green Gentleman_ began just as someone knocked and came in the lounge, McCoy, the grumpy man who shared the same name as his cat.

“You Professor Grayson?”

Spock set down his mug. “Yes.”

“You’re in charge of the Command track’s leadership test, right?”

“I created it,” said Spock. He had created it in honor of Jim’s father, taking all the details he got from Jim on the day of his final examinations at the VSA and the records of survivors. “Is there an issue?”

“Yeah, my roommate is obsessed with beating it, he already took it twice so I’m wondering what’s the limit of chances he has before he goes insane,” said McCoy. “Pretty sure you remember the eager bastard, he kept swiveling about in his hair, eating a ham sandwich and making ridiculous orders.”

Spock remembered no such cadet, he probably took his examinations on the days Spock was teaching rather than monitoring. “The limit is three tries.”

“Alright then, next time you see some idiot with his lunch waltz into the test, be sure to keep on eye on him, he might do something real stupid.”

And with that, McCoy left, leaving Spock blinked confusedly after him, mug halfway to his mouth, Brendon Urie’s voice warbling in the background.

It was only one hour later, just when Spock reached the point where Ned Stark confronted Queen Cersei (whose name reminded him of Circe, the witch from the _Odyssey_ , one of the many Greek myths he studied after Jim mentioned _Jason and the Argonauts_ ) and his playlist reached the end of the Beatles with _I Saw Her Standing There_ when a hooded young man burst into the room, hid behind Doctor M’Benga’s armchair.

He raised a finger to his lips just as McCoy re-entered the room. “You see a complete spaz pass by here? The idiot thinks out-running me means he won’t take his meds, it’s like I’m rooming with a ten year-old.”

Spock was stuck. On one hand, Vulcans didn’t lie and on the other he had been informed that telling the outright truth when someone asks you not to is a social faux-pas and renders him a ‘snitch’ and a ‘violator of the Bro Code’, whatever that was.

Spock settled for just silently raising an inquiring eyebrow at both McCoy and the intruder. McCoy left with a loud huff. The intruder waited a few seconds before jumping up on the back of the chair, his hood falling off his head. “That was a close one, he was going to hypo me again, I hate those damn hypo-sprays.”

The intruder finally looked him in the eye and Spock nearly choked on his own tongue. Dark blond hair, full lips, a brilliant white smile and long eyelashes, this is what he would have imagined Jim to become in his later years.

Only problem? His eyes were dark, a light hazel of sorts.

“You alright there, teach?” he asked. “You look like you just saw a shitty adaptation of your favorite book.”

Spock cleared his throat and focused on Leonard, who was in a deep sleep on his lap, nearly cutting off the circulation in his legs. “Apologies, you just reminded me of someone I once knew.”

“Bad breakup?” he asked.

Spock once again didn’t answer, he just stared more closely at the intruder, trying find every possible reason for why this man resembled Jim. It could be his missing brother, Sam, or another relative or even him from some parallel universe where his eyes were brown and his hair was darker. Spock had entertained the thought several times, especially since he got to Earth and had to study Federation History, namely the space anomaly that occurred in Klingon Space twenty-five years ago.

At one point, when Chapel forced an alcoholic chocolate drink on him, Spock ended up having a long-winded discussion about the anomaly, about what it could have been, what could have caused it and what else, beyond George Kirk, Sr.’s death, could it have caused.

Now here he was, sitting frozen in his chair, wondering if the man in front of him was proof of his inter-alternate-dimensional theories.

He sat on the chair, pulling one leg to chest, resting his chin on his eyes to look at Spock head on. “Okay, I heard Vulcans were stiff but I didn’t realize you got so stiff that you blend in with the furniture.”

“Is there any reason you’re still hiding here, Mr…?”

He reached over to shake Spock’s hand, reconsidered it at the last second and stroked Leonard’s head instead, giving Spock a shy smile. “Jason Pike.”

“Pike, as in Christopher Pike who will captain the Enterprise?”

“Yeah, he’s my uncle. You know him?”

“I am due to be his Science Officer when his ship embarks on its mission.”

“ _You’re_ the Professor Grayson he’s been going on about.”

“That I am. I’m afraid the captain never mentioned you.”

Jason shrugged. “Not much to tell, really.”

Spock really doubted that. “Where are you from?”

“Chicago.”

Illinois, the state west of Iowa. Odd choice.

While this Jason Pike didn’t look at him with the recognition Spock had hoped to see he did become increasingly shifty in his presence, sneaking glances at him from under his long dark eyelashes.

“Well,” he stood and dusted his pants. “Guess my little game of hide and seek has worn out its welcome. Thanks for letting me hide here, teach.”

Jason gave Leonard’s head one last pet and made a few aborted moves towards Spock, like he was used to close contact with others, primarily his doctor friend, but didn’t want to intrude on Spock’s personal space.

Spock knew that this was forward for him, or any Vulcan, and that this man was still he cadet but he felt some desperate need to create some kind of familiarity with him, just to see…just to see if this was him or someone made of the same things Jim was. Something to cut out this old miserable aching in his heart that started every year at this point where he brought out the pictures of Jim and his Vulcan snowman and the New Year’s lights.

He put a hand on Jason’s pressing it on his shoulder, giving him a silent go-ahead to pat his arm like he meant to. “Spock, call me Spock.”

Pearly white teeth showed themselves in a blinding smile. “Alright then, Merry Christmas, Mr. Spock.”

He said his name in almost the exact same way, a similar lilt of the Midwestern accent with a soft elongation of the O in his name.

Jason left the room and Leonard shot off Spock’s lap and after him, hitting the door head on just Jason closed it.

“Thoughtless, impulsive clump of fur.”

 

* * *

 

On the 26th of December, Leonard once again made a break for it, sending Spock chasing him all the way back to student housing for Medicine and Command.

The cat scratched at McCoy’s door. Spock picked up the struggling cat, wrapped him in his jacket and started off on his way. The door creaked open and a sleepy messy-haired Jason Pike blinked at him drowsily. “Mr. Spock! How are you this fine, frosty morning?”

“There is no frost in San Francisco.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “Forgive me, let me rephrase that. How are you on this fine, frigid morning?”

“As well as any other morning. Yourself?”

“Too tired to tell at this point. Wanna come in? I’ll be heading down to breakfast in a few minutes.”

Hesitant, Spock took Leonard and followed Jason inside, quickly scanning the room for any hint of who he really was.

It was fairly neat for a student’s room, McCoy’s corner had a stack of notes, a picture frame containing himself hoisting up a little girl, combs, hair-gel and hairspray and an open drawer set with pill bottles and hypo-sprays and their vials. Jim’s was a lot neater, a big tray of vitamin supplements, prescribed medicine, all their caps with sticky notes telling him when and how many to take, a few bottles of water, an antique book – a collection of Shakespeare’s tragedies. Spock had rarely seen actual books outside of national libraries and old family homes.

Sitting in the corner by the desk that faced the desk was a music player, the ever-tired-sounding Frank Sinatra crooned from the speakers. Jason sang along from the bathroom, walking out with one side of his face with shaving cream, a towel around his neck and no shirt, waving his arms around to the tune of the music.

“ _Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it_ – you can sit down if you want,” said Jason, taking a shirt and sweater from his closet.

Spock set Leonard down and they both sat on the edge of McCoy’s bed, watching Jason march back and forth, finishing shaving, brushing his hair and teeth and getting dressed.

On the second time he passed Spock in his undershirt, Spock noticed a strange, thick, scraggly scar in the inside of his arm.

Jason paused pulling his sweater sleeves, giving Spock a cheeky suggestive look that harkened back to the very same one Spock saw from the other end of his screen nine years ago. “See something you like?”

Apparently he did, which further confused him. If Jim was a part of a specific brand of American male, sharing the manner of speech, the fair hair, face shape and sense of humor, then this must have been the only thing Spock responded to for some bizarre reason.

After a lot of prying from Uhura, Spock came to the conclusion that nothing changed about him, developmentally, when he met Jim, he still held no attraction to anyone else, no matter how beautiful or handsome he knew they were. His heart pounded and his face flushed only for one, or one kind, if this man wasn’t a different Jim.

“To say I don’t would be a lie.”

Jason’s smile faded. “That went in a completely different direction than I expected.”

Leonard broke the awkward silence, escaping Spock’s arms to jump up to Jason, purring, chirping and rubbing himself against his legs.

“My cat seems to really like you.”

Jason picked Leonard up and rubbed his cheek against Leonard’s head. “He’s a cutie.”

Leonard remained in Jason’s arms all the way to the cafeteria, where Jason insisted they share a table, as the Academy was mostly empty. Spock got the hottest drink and meal he could get his freezing hands on and Jason fed most of his breakfast meats to the cat.

“I know we’ve been getting a bunch of outworlders lately, but you’re the first Vulcan at Starfleet, right?”

“I am,” said Spock, sipping his green tea.

“Why’d you choose Earth, Vulcan too boring for you?”

“I chose it for several reasons, and Vulcan’s monotony was among them.”

Remnants of his and Jim’s preliminary bond should tell him if his _t’hy’la_ was near by or not, but despite their closeness nothing tugged on the tendrils of the bond.

“And the others?”

“My mother is human and I never had the chance to know her home and culture, I never enjoyed my contemporaries’ company and I feel like I owe Starfleet a great debt and that I could offer it the same thing it offered me.”

“Which is?”

Spock set down his mug, not taking his eyes off Jason’s. “I’ll tell you when I know.”

Jason let out a small, breathy laugh, looking up at him from under his eyelashes again almost coyly.

Spock recognized that look, subtle flirting, something that took him six years to grasp and avoid, but this time he wanted to respond.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day passed in a blur of conversations that teetered on too personal and quickly got sidelined. Jason grew up on the outskirts of Chicago, his father was an engineer on the USS _Kelvin_ who suffered from crippling Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after witnessing his ship explode, becoming more and more withdrawn from reality until he got admitted to a mental hospital. Jason's mother died in a shuttle accident when he was in his early teens, having him be put in the custody of - and later adopted by - Christopher Pike and his Number One.

"They pushed you in a fountain?" Jason gasped.

"That was the least of their abuse," said Spock. "How were the children of your youth?"

"Honestly? Boring." he ran a hand through his hair, smiling tiredly. "Couldn't talk to any of them about much, especially whenever we were out of school - you can only bitch about your teachers for so many hours. None of them read what I liked or listened to obscure ancient stuff I dig up - which reminds me, you were listening to a few of them when I hid with you from Bones."

"Bones?"

"McCoy, the doctor I can't keep away no matter how many apples I eat."

Spock stopped at the halfway point, on the left was where his room was and the right was student housing. He didn't know how to move on from here. Leonard was still sleeping in Jason's carry-on bag and Spock was wound tight with the need to ask him something, anything that could stir any recognition - about Sadie the cow, about the heirloom ring Spock sent Jim, about the Beatles and whether he still believed Vulcans were Tolkein's elves - just to be assured. 

Jason looked up and Spock's eyes followed to the dangling white berries. Mistletoe. "Would you look at that."

"Indeed," was all he could say, swallowing, his mouth suddenly dry as the deserts south of Vulcan.

He stepped closer, his eyes fluttering shut, and Spock's mind kicked into warp speed, overthinking everything about this situation. Should he let himself be kissed by this complete stranger? Or should he continue waiting until he found Jim? Would he ever find Jim or was this closest he could get? 

Too wrapped up in his thoughts, Spock's brain didn't connect to his legs or mouth fast enough to avoid Jason's mouth on his his.

It was an uncoordinated mess of faces, nothing like the smooth and easy perfection of Uhura and Chapel's movies, but a smash of cold, dry and chapped lips, noses being bent on the crooks of cheeks and teeth scraping together as they tried to find their rhythm. Spock took hold of his head and adjusted his own, sliding their lips against each other until it became effortless enough for him to take in the rest of what was happening. The clash of peppermint candy and cider on his tongue, feeling of hands in his hair and the the smell of chilly cologne overwhelming his senses.

Jason pulled away first, gasping loudly, face pink with breathlessness. "I take it back, you're not stiff at all. Where did that come from?"

Spock's fingers settled on the psi-points of the side of his face, desperate to start a mind-meld, find out exactly was under that blond hair. "I am just as surprised as you are."

Jason laughed, a heart-fluttering sound that nearly had Spock crush the face he was holding. He dropped his hands, planning a different way around extracting answers, even if he could warm him up to a mind-meld.

Jason held out his cat. "I had a really good time today."

Spock wordlessly took Leonard, his mind trying to catch up with what just happened.

Quick as he burst into Spock's life, Jason gave him a quick parting kiss. "Good night, Mr. Spock."

Standing alone in the halfway point of Starfleet Academy, reeling from the last forty-eight hours, Spock's only coherent thought was an ongoing internal scream.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)
> 
> Don't forget to comment!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeere it is! Don't forget to comment! (◡‿◡✿)
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

“Spock, honey, you alright?” Christine Chapel asked him

“I am quite fine,” Spock answered automatically. The entire week his friends were gone Spock went back to his dangerous pastime of hacking the Starfleet database, trying to break the code locking any and all information about Kodos the Executioner’s massacre on Tarsus IV.

Thirteen hours of work, once again, turned up with nothing he didn’t already know from the press.

Uhura side-eyed him. “Then explain why you’re eating your soup with chopsticks."

Spock stopped his ongoing attempts to catch a chunk of liquid with his chopsticks and stared at his hand.

“Anything you want to share with the class, Professor Grayson?” Uhura asked.

“We are not in a classroom.”

“Oh, look, he is awake after all.”

“Nyota, maybe he’s just tired.”

Spock avoided her gaze and picked up his spoon to eat his soup. They were in one of the many Chinese restaurants of San Francisco, the Jade Empress, a place Spock favored for its many vegetarian options. It was the 2nd of January, right after New Years, another day he spent in the company of Jason Pike.

“Did something happen while we were away?”

“What makes you think so?”

“Every year Christine and I leave and we come back to find you as you were, this time you’re a bit off, distracted. I’ve never seen you distracted in my life.”

Spock’s face betrayed him, whatever emotion he showed prompted her to say, “Jeez, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“I may have very well been in the company of a ghost while you were away.”

Uhura’s suspicious staring increased. “As in the universe got tired of you being a total grouch and dragged you into your own _A Christmas Carol_ experience?”

“The Ghost of Christmas Past must have a very strange sense of humor if this is what did happen,” said Spock. “But I have seen someone, am still seeing that someone almost daily.”

Chapel stopped chewing her spring roll. “Seeing someone as in seeing them around or seeing them as in going out with?”

Spock returned to his soup.

“Oh my god!” Uhura leaned across the table, her long hair almost dunking itself in the sweet corn chicken soup. “When? How? Why? And most importantly, who?”

“We met on Christmas. He hid in the teacher’s lounge from his roommate. He is quite persistent and is good company,” Spock answered every question in order, finally adding, “Jason Pike.”

Uhura’s barely visible eyebrows made themselves known. “Pike, like Captain Pike’s nephew?”

“Yes.”

“He’s very nice,” said Chapel. “He stops by Medicine a lot to give Lenny his lunch and dinner, always compliments my hair.”

Uhura mouthed “Lenny?” then shook her head and said, “I’ll get to you later. Spock, why didn’t you tell me you were into guys?”

“I am not.”

“Didn’t you have a boyfriend way back when?” asked Chapel.

“Christine, shush,” said Uhura. “Spock, when did you even get back in the game, I thought you were completely closed off after…you know.”

“I was, but it seems my interest in him is mostly based on the same reason I was interested in Jim.” Spock looked away, sipping his tea. “that he is Jim Kirk.”

“I thought you said Vulcans don’t joke.”

“We don’t.”

“Spock, I’m being serious, why do you think Pike’s your boyfriend?”

“He…” Spock realized his explanation only made sense within his own head. Nevertheless, he tried making himself clear.

Chapel’s small eyes steadily got bigger with shock and Uhura’s thin lips got thinner with displeasure.

“…Jason Pike even has the same number and division of letters as James Kirk,” Spock finished.

“I thought logic was the end all and be all of Vulcans?”

Unfortunately, logic had no place for Spock where Jim was involved.

“I know you’re still hung up on him –”

“I am not ‘hung up’, this was not one of your trivial month-long relationships he was my _t’hy’la_.”

“Ugh.” Uhura rolled her eyes. “You do realize every sixteen year-old thinks their first love is the love of their life? Your problem is that you never got to have a relationship with this kid and then he died so for the past ten years you’ve only remembered the good parts and multiplied them by a hundred.”

“That is not true.”

“I can’t believe I’m trying to talk sense to a Vulcan – he’s dead, Spock. Dead! Gone! Ceased to exist! And it’s been ten years, you’re almost thirty and you need to fucking move on already, this isn’t healthy!”

“Nyota!” Chapel protested. “Don’t you think you’re being a bit too harsh?”

“Maybe I’m just concerned that his obsession with his dead boyfriend is going to – or already has – driven him insane. Remembering someone fondly is one thing but seeing them everywhere you go, even in other people, just to justify liking them, is unhealthy!”

“Nyota, you’re upsetting him.”

“She isn’t,” said Spock. “I am behaving illogically, and I am unsure of how I see Pike.”

This man was not and could not be his Jim. In fact, he was quite dull in comparison to Jim. His sense of humor was tame, his comments were rarely suggestive, he didn’t favor Jim’s 21st Century pop-punk music but rather an even older genre from the 20th he referred to as jazz. He didn’t know how to drive or even wreck a car with wheels, seeing no point in a crowded and uphill city like San Francisco and the only time he had ever been on a farm in his life was on a school field trip courtesy of his elementary science class.

He was not his Jim.

Uhura relaxed, eyes sympathetic. Remembering to avoid his hands, she squeezed his upper arm instead. “Look, there’s a ton of guys from that corner of the country who act, sound and look like him, and if that’s your type, great! But if you only like him because you want to pretend he’s someone else then that’s not fair to him.”

“You believe so?”

“I know it. Think about it, if you can’t like him for he is then you need to let him go, let him find someone who wants _him_.”

“You’re right.” Spock set down a few credits on the table. “I must tell him immediately.”

Chapel made a useless grab for him. “Wait! Oooh, now you’ve done it, Nyota.”

“I had to say something.”

Spock was out of earshot and back on the path to the Academy, the shock of Uhura’s words crumbling the goal he’s had for nearly a decade, ones he considered to be logical or even possible as the years went by and his fond memories eroded like a pebble being turned over and over on an ocean floor by the waves of time.

Uhura was right, he was not being logical, he was not even feigning sanity. He needed to move on with his life the same way Selek did, even if he would end up just as mournful and miserable.

McCoy and Jason Pike were found in the back of the Academy library, heads leaned together, whispering animatedly, McCoy amused and Jason excited.

They noticed him instantly. Jason’s face lit up with a big smile that made Spock’s insides tie themselves into knots even though he had a completely different set of teeth, that smile had a similar hold on him.

“Hey!” Jason got up and embraced him. “What are you doing here?”

“I wished to speak with you.”

McCoy nodded at Jason. He threw an arm around Spock’s shoulders and led them out of earshot. “What is it?”

“I wish to terminate our involvement.”

“What? Why?”

“You are a cadet and I am a member of staff –”

“Gee, did you just notice that?”

“ – and it is wrong for us to engage in a relationship.”

“No, it’s not, I’m an adult and I’m not your student, so what is this really about?”

Spock forced himself to look into his eyes, his dark eyes.

“Well?”

“You are simply not what I want in a partner.”

Before he could say anything else, Spock turned heel and left the library. Jason’s shout of “COWARD!” followed him out.

 

* * *

 

For the rest of January Spock avoided Jason, McCoy and Uhura like the plague so it didn’t help that come February he would be monitoring the Kobayashi Maru with all three of them participating.

It didn’t help that all three of them looked angry in one form or another. Uhura was glaring, McCoy was resisting several eye-rolls and Jason…Jason was aggressively crunching an apple as he dished out orders that seemed outright ridiculous but somehow avoided the programmed pitfalls of the test.

Jason gave the last order to destroy the vessel that came out of a wormhole and it was blown up before it could destroy the simulated USS Kelvin. Spock nearly fell out of his chair.

He passed his test. He passed his test, the test that no one was supposed to pass. The test modeled after the death of Jim’s father.

There was only one explanation: he cheated.

McCoy had spirited Jason away before Spock could get a hold of him, leaving Spock with only one other option, taking it to the Starfleet Council.

 

* * *

 

Spock will never admit it, but he was positively fuming with anger. This man who comes out of nowhere, makes him feel something similar to what he felt towards Jim and then tricks his way into beating the test he based on the death of Jim’s father, the thing that ruined his life before it began.

Spock knew that most of his reasons were completely ridiculous but he couldn’t help being mad. He sat stiff in his seat in the auditorium, his black staff uniform touch and riding up his chest, his fingers tapping on his armrest as he watched Jason address the council.

“I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly,” said Jason and Spock took his time getting up, straightening his shirt and walking down to his podium, keeping eye contact the entire time.

Jason inhaled and exhaled angrily.

Trying to be as civil as possible, they went back and forth, arguing over how Spock’s test was a cheat to begin with and how Pike failed to understand the lesson his test was supposed to teach aspiring captains.

“The purpose of this test is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death and to accept that fear and to maintain control of oneself and one’s crew, this is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain.”

“Fear, what does a Vulcan know about fear? You’re all robots!” Jason argued. “Every test for Command track should have the end result of the captain and commander working their way out of a situation that seems like certain death so everyone gets out alive.”

Petty and angry, this man was definitely not Jim. But Spock had to try one last jab to be sure. “That’s a very childish view you have, but you of all people should know, Cadet Pike, a captain cannot cheat death.”

Spock’s jab only got him a confused look. “I of all people…?”

A staff member running up to Admiral Barnett interrupted the hearing by handing him a PADD, Barnett read the message with widening eyes and immediately addressed the auditorium. “We have received a distress call from Vulcan.”

A pang of dread resounded in Spock’s side, having him miss the rest of the orders coming from Barnett’s mouth.

As the cadets filed out of the room, Christopher Pike and McCoy hurried up to Jason, each taking him by an arm and leading him out of the room and into the same current of cadets Uhura and Chapel led Spock through, to where the Enterprise was docked.

“Why is he coming with us, shouldn’t he be suspended for cheating?” asked Uhura.

“Pike can’t leave him behind, neither can Lenny,” said Chapel. “seeing as he’s his doctor and he seems to have a lot of issues that need regular attention.”

Spock remembered the tray of pill bottles in Jason and McCoy’s room when Leonard led him there the second time.

Leonard! “My cat!”

“Spock, not now.”

They each reported to where the shuttles were being dispatched, waiting for their names to be called out. Chapel left with McCoy to where all the members of Medical and their patients were heading, Uhura left with her Orion roommate, Galia, and Spock rushed into the shuttle with all members set for the bridge, sitting to the right of Captain Pike and hurriedly messaging anyone left in the staff directory to take care of his cat.

“What is the nature of the distress signal?” he asked Pike.

“A Romulan vessel appeared over Vulcan atmosphere and has been firing down at the bigger cities.”

Shi’Kahr! His mother, his father and their clan were all based in Shi’Kahr. “What is the maximum warp we can travel at in order to reach Vulcan before any serious damage can be done?”

Jason addressed him from Pike’s left. “The Enterprise has a limit of Warp Factor 7, so I estimate two-and-a-half hours until we reach the 40 Eridani star system.”

“I didn’t ask you.”

“Put the claws away, Pan, I’m just answering your questions, just like I did in your test.”

“You modified the answers to the commands in my test, so I doubt whatever you consider a valid answer.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake! You’re just sour that I actually beat your test the same way anyone would try to in real life, you can’t accept that there is always a way out!”

“There is no escape from certain death, if there was then better men than you would have survived to be here today.”

“BOYS!” Captain Pike interrupted. “You either put this aside for another day or I’ll appoint someone else as my second and third in command.”

“Third?”

“Yes, Commander, if anything should happen to me then you’ll act as captain and Jay will take your spot as first officer.”

“Cadet Pike has failed the test set for Command.”

“As has everyone else who has taken the test but at least he tried to think his way around it. The reason I appoint him right under you is not because of nepotism, if that’s what you’re thinking, it’s because he exceled in all tests based on battle tactics, diplomacy and basic engineering needed to operate a starship.”

Jason stuck out his tongue triumphantly. Spock ignored him and returned his PADD, attempting to message his mother.

Their shuttle docked on the side-entrance of the Enterprise and all three of them made it onto the bridge, Spock at his science station, Uhura at the communications booth and Jason took the spot reserved for those monitoring engineering.

Right off the bat, one of their helmsmen had been replaced and a seventeen year-old seemingly Polish boy was informing them on the status of Vulcan. On top of that, Amanda had not answered Spock and he was starting to vibrate anxiously.

The ship kicked into Warp Factor 7 and Spock spent the entire time with his eyes glued to his screen, avoiding any and all attempts to communicate from Uhura. She was a minute away from throwing a paper ball at his head to get his attention.

“Does anyone know how the Romulan vessel got to dock above Vulcan without being detected?” Captain Pike asked.

Spock quickly translated the last message they received from Vulcan. “The last report was that a tear in space generated by some lightning storm that appeared right above Vulcan, ushering in the vessel.”

“Lightning storm? In Space?” said Jason, frowning.

If Spock didn’t know any better, he’d think Jason’s mind had cracked under his realization of “An anomaly, isn’t that the same thing that happened the night I was –”

“ – the night the USS Kelvin was destroyed, yes,” said Pike. “You think it’s the exact same thing?” Pike said, addressing Spock this time.

“Yes, Captain,” said Spock. “Lieutenant, how much longer until we reach Vulcan?”

Sulu tapped around his control panel. “Uhh, roughly thirty minutes, sir.”

The Enterprise barely glimpsed the massive drill boring down on Vulcan when it was nearly tipped sideways by the Romulan vessel drilling the planet.

“Raise shields!” Pike ordered.

Sulu attempted to tap around his panel but a flurry of colors distracted him. “Captain, we’re being hailed.”

“Put them on!”

After minor display complications, the face of a bald, tattooed Romulan appeared onscreen.

“This is Captain Christopher Pike of the USS Enterprise, answering a distress signal from Vulcan. State your name and the reason you are violating –”

“Show me Captain Kirk!”

It was safe to say that everyone’s reaction, including Spock’s, was simply  _What the Fuck?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4th of July to all my American readers!
> 
> I'm finally done with school (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Pike kept his tone even. “I am Captain Pike. Who are you?”

“If you’re not Kirk then where is he?”

“Captain Kirk died roughly twenty-five years ago.”

The Romulan’s frustration dimmed when Spock stood behind Pike. “Spock, how lovely to see you again.”

Spock’s overwhelming shock shut down a part of his mind. “Do I know you?”

“No, but you will.”

Another hit was aimed at the Enterprise, knocking Spock into Jason.

“Where are you hiding Kirk?”

Pike clutched the arms of his chair, the muscles in his face twitching with restrained anger and fear. “I just told you, Captain Kirk was killed the last time you surfaced, twenty-five years ago.”

Spock clutched the back of the captain’s chair and held himself up, when Jason tried to stand Pike pushed him back down with his foot.

“That’s not possible, I got the time period right, James Kirk was the captain of the Enterprise at this point in time.”

 _James Kirk?_ Did this deranged Romulan say _James_ Kirk?

“You’re mistaken then, Captain Kirk was the captain of the USS Kelvin, not the Enterprise,” said Pike, very slowly and very clearly. “Now that we’ve cleared that up, remove your drill from the planet or the Federation will consider this a declaration of war from Romulus.”

“I am acting on my own, so if you hope to negotiate with that then you’re out of luck, Captain Pike. Unless…” the Romulan drew out his pause, black eyes focused on the middle of the bridge. “…unless you give me your Vulcan.”

A beat passed. All eyes were on Spock. He could feel them considering handing him over.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that…”

“Nero,” he hissed menacingly.

“Nero. Commander Spock has been entrusted to me, as has the rest of my crew, if you need a hostage, by all means, take me.”

“CHRIS!”

Pike kicked Jason down again, not taking his eyes off Nero. “How about it.”

Nero’s crazed eyes left Spock. “Very well then, lower your shields so I can beam you aboard.”

Pike nodded at Sulu. The second the shields were down, Pike quickly told Spock, "If you need a way out of this mess just tell him, _'Better a witty fool than a foolish wit'_ ," as he was beamed off the bridge. Spock could almost see Jason’s heart fall through the deck.

The signal cut off, Sulu brought the shields back up and everyone faced Spock again. Uhura spoke first. “I guess that makes you the captain now. So, what do we do?”

“Find a way to disable that drill before it causes major damage then retrieve the captain.”

Jason stood. “I’ll take care of it. Anyone who has any combat training, follow me.”

Sulu quickly left his post and followed Jason off the bridge. Spock could only try to keep his wits together as he ordered surveillance down on the drill, with every passing minute it got closer and closer to the planet’s core and all he wanted to do was beam down and find his mother.

But he couldn’t, he had to wait until Jason was back on board because somebody needed to be captain.

Spock watched Sulu, Jason and Chief Engineer Olson dive out of the ship and down on the drill. Almost instantly, Olson got kicked into the fiery fuel propelling the drill, sending a sharp, stabbing pain of anxiety through Spock’s heart. How were they going to disable it now?

Jason fought as hard as he could, kicking the Romulans manning the drill into the fuel or off the drill itself, Sulu performed several complicated acrobatic maneuvers, cutting, stabbing or kicking off his opponents with his fencing sword.

When Sulu almost fell off the drill little Ensign Chekov rose with a gasp but eased up when Jason brought him back on the drill.

It was already too late when they disabled it, Nero had already powered something through the drill, Spock could see it from the change in color.

“Beam them aboard, now!”

“But, sir –”

“I said now! When Pike gets back aboard he’s the captain.” Spock flew out of the captain’s chair and down to Engineering, barely glimpsing Jason and Sulu beaming back aboard as he was beamed down.

He reassembled right in the middle of a gathering sandstorm, right outside a cave temple of Shariel in the Great Desert.

Spock ran as fast as he could into the temple, grabbing his mother and father and leading the rest out of the crumbling cave and right back to the spot he landed in.

“Spock, what is going on?” his mother asked.

“The planet’s core is being transformed into a black hole, I don’t have time to explain the specifics.”

His father kept a tight hand on his arm, nearly lagging behind compared to the rest of the group. “Spock, how did you know this was going to happen?”

“Starfleet received a distress signal.”

“We didn’t send one out,” said Sarek. “but it is a relief that you came to our aid.”

“That is one benefit of my joining Starfleet over the Science Academy, is it not?”

For a split second, Spock could have almost sworn that his father smiled at him.

The spinning yellow light of the transporter beams surrounded them, the ground became unsteady underneath him, Sarek’s hand slipped off his arm, his voice shaking as he tried to speak but the ground crumbling underneath them cut off his plea of “Spock, I wanted you to know that…”

Time slowed down, his breathing was louder than everything else around him and his focus on his father was cut short as Spock was swept up by beams and Sarek abruptly fell away with the breaking ground.

The next thing he knew, he was back aboard the ship, the sleeve of his left arm still with the dusty indents of his father’s fingers but his father nowhere to be seen.

He was too preoccupied with saving his mother that he forget to save anyone else. Now Sarek was gone, and so was Vulcan.

* * *

 

Spock couldn't face his mother - couldn't face any of the others. He couldn't think, he could barely remember how to put one foot in front of the other while keeping a straight face.

Somehow, he made it past McCoy and back onto the bridge, where Jason sat in the captain's chair, locked in a conversation with Nero once again. He was arguing for the release of Pike and for Nero to surrender, his right leg bouncing up and down nervously, his eyes red and looking as miserable as Spock felt.

"Why? Just _why?_ "

"Because of him," Nero spat venomously, pointing at Spock. "remember, all of this is happening because of Spock failing me and my people, he guaranteed our safety, our planet's stability but all he did was further it's destruction and now, I used his own technology against him, and as soon your courageous Captain Pike gives me the defense codes for Earth another planet will be lost on his expense."

The room had quickly filled up with crew members and the surviving Vulcans, all watched him with resentment and anger but Jason was just clearly confused. "What is he talking about, Spock?"

"I - I do not know," was all he could say, anything else like "I have never seen nor interacted with this man," or "We need to save the captain," didn't make it out of his mouth.

"You should have just given me your Vulcan," Nero said triumphantly, ending the call.

"He's heading for Earth," Jason realized slowly. "Mr. Sulu, set a course for Earth and contact Starfleet, tell them to keep a look out for the Narada - why isn't anyone listening to me?"

"He's still captain, sir," said Sulu, pointing to Spock.

Someone from the back shouted, "He's the reason this happened!"

"He was in league with the Romulan!"

"He took Vulcan to get back at him and now he's taking Earth to get back at us for associating with him!"

Jason's attempts to calm down the many angry people filling the bridge were drowned out by the screaming. Someone reached out and shoved Spock, others called him a traitor, accused him of planning this for being 'rejected by Vulcan', blaming Captain Pike's loss on him and the endangerment of Earth.

"Would you just listen to me?" Jason argued. "Hey, leave him alone, he had nothing to do with this! Leave him alone!"

One of the security guards caught Spock before he could leave. "We can't take orders from you unless he relieves himself of duty."

"Spock, give them the orders," begged Jason.

Spock could only blink at them all blankly. 

"Spock, either give me the command or give them the orders."

Spock just stared at him, Nero's utterance of _James Kirk_ getting louder and louder in his head.

"Goddammit, Spock, this isn't the time for you to keep pretending that you don't care!"

The only explanation was that this Romulan from a parallel universe where Jim was captain of the Enterprise and Spock wronged him in some way. In that universe Spock and Jim were together on that ship it seems and it was known how much Jim meant to Spock for Nero to come after him, Spock's planet and then his mother's planet.

If there was an alternate universe where they are still together - a universe where Jim reached Vulcan and they were bonded and attended Starfleet together, did he really believe that there was some part of his old life, that went in the right direction, that still existed somewhere out there? Did he at least take comfort in that?

"I don't." 

Jason's face twisted in anger and he grabbed Spock by the shoulders, shaking him. "You asshole, you fucking asshole! Millions died because whatever you did to piss this psycho off and now he's going off to kill the billions on Earth and you're blocking our only chance to save them! Why? Are you that fucked up from not accepting that you're from both planets that you wish they'd both get destroyed so you don't have to pick one? Your captain, the only family I've got left, got taken instead of you and is being tortured, he might even be dead, but no, you're too emotionless to care! You didn't give a shit about your own father, I bet you're glad he's dead, one less person to let down-"

Spock's fist moved before he could think, smashing into Jason's cheek. Jason tried to keep himself upright but Spock was blinded by white-hot rage, rage from how far his life had deteriorated since Jim's plane landed on Tarsus IV, rage from how he died there, alone and scared, at how he lost I-Chaya and was then abandoned by Selek, at how miserable he was on both Vulcan and on Earth, at how many years he got himself through by believing that Jim was still alive and that he would find him, that they would finally be together on his planet with his parents, and at this infuriating lookalike who crashed into his life and set off this mess of events.

He had to end him, before he could turn his life further upside down.

Spock's hands tightened around Jason's throat, squeezing the life out of him, watching his eyes grow, his skin turn red, his hands weakly try to pry off Spock's own. 

When they both crashed onto the console a thin gold chain popped out of Jason's tunic and out of it dangled a gold ring with a square-cut black stone gem, along the inside of the band were Vulcan glyphs that Spock knew all too well.

Hands loosening in shock, Spock released Jason's throat and whispered, "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit," and Jason, who was still conscious and heaving and coughing, clutching his bruised throat, shuddered as if a severe chill went through his body.

Spock could almost see the mortification and shock he felt reflected in Jason's eyes, like something in him had cracked.

Jason reached up to his eye, still coughing, and swiped two finger against his iris and removed a hazel contact lens from his blue eye. He stared at the lens and then at Spock, eyes wide with pain and bewilderment.

"Jim..."

Spock reached out for him, his finger was just a few inches away from finally touching Jim Kirk when Doctor McCoy stabbed a hypo-spray in his neck and his world turned black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are gonna start heating up, or maybe heat is the wrong word for where this is going :P
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Spock’s head felt like it was swinging side to side like a pendulum. The more awareness crept back into it the more nauseous and confused he felt.

He blinked a few times, eyes adjusting to the bright bluish light above him, reflecting off the white room and the glass ahead of him.

Glass?

Head back upright, Spock looked all around him, finding himself on a bench in a small, empty, shut room with the forth wall being the separator glass between the ship’s cells, the Brig, and the rest of Security. But on the other side of the glass wasn’t a security officer in red but a blond man in Command gold. Jim. He knew now that it was Jim.

He stood with one arm wrapped around his middle and the other resting on it, hand at his throat. His eyes were still hazel.

“Why am I here?”

Jim watched him wearily, fingers lightly tapping on his throat. “Doctor McCoy says you’re experiencing an elevated sense of loss and trauma and that you’re mentally unstable, therefore unfit for duty.”

“Why am I here and not in the sickbay?”

Jim removed his hand from his neck. Around his throat were large smudges of blue and purple bruises. “As I said, mentally unstable.”

Memories rushed back into his pounding head, the lingering heat of anger, the uneasy gut-wrenching feeling of shock, loss and despair, the stab of guilt once the image of Jim trapped underneath him, clawing at his hands, trying to make him stop.

He strangled him. “Jim…?”

 _“Jason,”_ he corrected, hand back at his throat. “Did you forget my name already?”

Spock stood, facing Jim. “Your name is Jim.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed slightly but his was blank, emotion completely unreadable, a trait that would be admirable to his father and to many Vulcans if they and their planet hadn’t perished. “I know you’re confused and grieving, but I’m going to need you to try and give me straight answers if you want to leave this cell.”

“I will answer your questions if you answer mine.”

A crease began to form between his eyebrows, the subtle frown harkening back to a decade-old memory of Jim trying to understand the concept of soul-bonds as Spock explained them over vid-call. Even now, with them only mere feet apart, Spock felt like they were just as far apart as they were all those years ago, nothing but talking heads on opposite screens.

“We’ll see,” said Jim. “First, who was that Romulan?”

“Nero.”

“I got that, but who is he? What does he want with you? What did you do that was so bad that he destroyed your planet?”

“I don’t know.”

“You have to know something, why else would he destroy your planet because of something he thinks you did?”

“I honestly don’t know, I have never seen this man before today.”

Jim got closer to the glass, eyes searching Spock’s face. “Never even heard of him?”

“No.”

“Do have any idea why he knows you or why he came after Vulcan and is going after Earth?”

“None.”

“Why are you lying?”

Spock almost automatically said that Vulcans didn’t lie but he couldn’t bring himself to do such a thing, not at the moment. “Why are _you_ lying?”

Jim glared at him. "Lying about what exactly, Commander?"

"I didn't think someone as clever as you would need to be spoon-fed answers, cadet."

"Captain," he insisted. "until Chris comes back I'm the captain and I order you to quit dancing around the subject. Who is Nero, or what is he, if not a run-of-the-mill Romulan?"

 _Show me Captain Kirk._ Spock did have a theory, his theory of alternate realities, of his alternate self encountering Nero and somehow enraging the mad Romulan into a genocidal rage, one that sent him here to destroy – 

Jim. The first thing he said was _“Show me Captain Kirk,”_ and referred to him, by name, as _James_ , not George. If he was from another universe then that meant the Spock and Jim of that universe were once aboard the Enterprise with Jim as its captain. Nero seemed oddly confused that Captain Pike was the one in the chair, that meant that Nero believed he was still in his own universe, especially when he mentioned Jim being the Enterprise’s captain at this time.

“He’s a time-traveller.”

Jim simply blinked, displeased. “Sure. Why not?”

“He has come back in time to kill anyone I considered dear to me, and when he didn’t find them he settled for destroying my planet and he is heading for Earth because he must have known that I attended Starfleet and that my mother is from there.”

“All of this for what? I know Romulans hate Vulcans but mass-genocide this randomly had to be triggered by something you did in the future, if your time-travel angle is for real.”

“It is the only logical answer I can think of.”

“Logical. Right. Of course. Well, we’re heading back to Earth as fast as we can but our warp speed can’t go any faster than this. You can see your mother once we dock.”

Jim began to turn away. Spock reached out to stop him but his knuckles slammed against the glass, the sound catching Jim’s attention.

Spock pressed his hand to the glass.

Recognition in his eyes, Jim set his hand on the glass, right on top of Spock’s own. Spock leaned closer, Jim followed, they would have been nose to nose if it weren’t for the Brig’s barrier.

“Jim.”

That one sound made Jim remove his hand as if he had been burned. “Would you have the decency to remember my name? I know I wasn’t more than a quick fling you tossed aside, but come on.”

“I remember clearly." Spock told him. "Jim, your name is Jim.” 

“My name is Jason Pike, I don’t know who this Jim is but you seriously need glasses if you think I’m him.”

"Vulcans have perfect vision, and I assure you, as similar as you might look to many men of your ethnic background, I never forget a face, especially one as important to me as yours."

His posture stiffened, his hands clenched and his eyes, the wrong color that they were, still expressed annoyance. “I am Jason Ragnar Pike, son of Jonathan Pike and Brigitta Lundgren, and I’m from Chicago, Illinois, I've never seen you before Christmas Eve. Does that put your mind at ease?”

“I'm afraid it does not," said Spock, trying to keep his tone even and calm. "Your name is James Tiberius Kirk, you’re the son of the late Captain George Kirk and Winona Etheridge, you are from Riverside, Iowa and you knew me before Starfleet.”

“You’re delusional.”

“Then explain the ring.”

“Ring?”

“The ring you wear on a chain.”

Jim’s fingers dipped past the neckline of his tunic, thumbing the thin gold chain as it brought out the black stone ring. He stared down at the ring, like he didn’t know it was there. “This is nothing, quit reaching.”

“Yes, just as I am ‘reaching’ about the Vulcan script around the band? It means _‘I am beloved’s and my beloved is mine_ ’, incase you were wondering.”

Jim opened his mouth but nothing came out. He looked back down at the ring, confusion pulling his brows together, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as he traced the Vulcan script caved in the band with his thumb.

Shaking his head, he stuck the ring back in his shirt, forcefully avoiding Spock’s eyes as he turned away from him. “Goodbye, Commander Spock. I’ll see you when this is all over.”

Jim walked out of security. Spock just hoped they reached Earth in time.

But he knew that this ship didn’t have the same abilities as the Narada, to travel at the same warp factor they’d need a boost to the engines that hadn’t been created yet or thought of by anyone in Starfleet yet.

For once Spock wanted to turn off his Vulcan side and run on hope rather than probability like the humans did, but at this moment, where Vulcans had now become an endangered species, the mere thought of it riddled him with guilt.

The only thing he could do now was wait.

* * *

 

The lights in his cell went out. The door slid open and ten people came in, both Security officers and Vulcans. Without a word the Vulcans grabbed Spock and strong-armed him out.

“What are you doing?”

No one answered him. He struggled to throw them off but they weren’t human, they were as strong if not stronger than him.

When they dragged him out into an area with light he recognized Stonn, his old rival, as the one with the grip on his right arm.

Spock snapped out of his shock and hurtled Stonn off his arm and punched the one holding his left arm and rounded on the humans who tried to wrestle him further down the hall. “What are you doing?”

“Handing you over. You’re the reason that nut destroyed Vulcan and we won’t let him destroy Earth.”

Mutiny. This was mutiny.

Spock knocked him out and barreled through the others, heading for the lift to go back up to the bridge.

Stonn and the other three Vulcans caught up with him, before he could grab the lever Stonn’s hand clenched down on the spot between his neck and shoulder. His limbs went limp and his head had shut off before it hit the floor.

* * *

 

When he came to, Spock was wedged in a capsule shuttle shooting through space. He was thrown off the ship and the shuttle was programmed to tail the Narada.

“Unbelievable,” he groaned, moving his neck from side to side. When he reached up to rub the spot Stonn pinched his other hand came up as well. They were bound by cuffs, the bright side of this situation was that these cuffs were made to restrain humans. They just needed a few determined tugs to tear them apart and squeeze his hands out of them.

After getting the feeling back in his fingers and finally rubbing that aching spot, Spock turned his attention to the controls and screen of the shuttle.

He had studied the science of grand-scale ships more than he had shuttles, but he could apply the same theory on a smaller scale. Thinking fast, he first attempted to override the set voyage and change it to tail the Enterprise instead but it rebuffed him with an in-built malfunction, speeding the shuttle further after the Narada. Whoever put him in there anticipated him trying to find a way out.

The bastard. That bastard Stonn survived and came aboard the ship to ruin Spock after he managed to save him from a crumbling planet. The thing that burned the most was that Spock managed to save Stonn of all people and not his own father.

Vulcan preservation or not, if Spock ever saw that filthy excuse of a man again he was going to rip his head off his shoulders, then there’d be one more Vulcan to mourn.

Spock had enough of the console and opted to rewire the entire shuttle quickly. When he turned off the shuttle it glowed bright blue, warning him that he was now running on reserve oxygen and energy. He had three hours.

Spock took less than half an hour to restart the shuttle and put it back to factory settings. Strangely enough, a minute later it reverted to it’s previous destination and shot forward at a warp factor fast enough to made the skin of Spock’s cheeks push up by themselves, forcing him to grimace.

Hitting the console, Spock tried to reprogram the autopilot to turn him back around to the Enterprise the old-fashioned way again. The change in direction must have been anticipated because the screen glowed bright red and an alarm of ERROR rang in his ears.

The shuttle spun around and went in a different direction, not one he anticipated. It hit a hurdle of space rocks and flipped through space at maximum speed and was catapulted towards a different quadrant, spinning like a wheel towards the first planet that came in its line of sight.

Spock braced himself and tried to think of anything but his impending death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOOOAAA WE'RE HALFWAY THEEEEEEERE (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
>  Don't forget to comment!
> 
>  
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Baby, It's Cold Outside plays in the distance...**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

The shuttle crashed headfirst into mile-high snow, he hadn’t even checked outside or asked the computer what the temperature levels were when big cracks loudly announced themselves across every window.

Spock could barely stand the chilliness of San Francisco winters, how was he going to handle this? More importantly, how was he going to dig his shuttle out of the snow and fix it fast enough to send a signal back to the Enterprise or even scan the planet to see if there was any advanced life on it? Was this even an M-class planet? Could he even breathe here?

Taking his chances, he put on everything he found, a snow-jacket, gloves, an ice cap and a heat-absorber blanket, and punched out of the shuttle.

He took one step out and sank back into the frigid trap. He fought his way out and pulled the blanket tighter around him, shaking off the snow before it could melt around him and bring him down with its wetness.

Reaching out to fasten the buttons of his jacket, he noticed that his fingers had been frozen stuck in a curled, grabbing gesture and no amounts at wiggling them could break them out of that position. The biting cold that had already set into the exposed skin of his face and neck had turned into burning numbness as snow glued itself on his eyelashes and brows and the vapor that emerged with every breath turned into clouds of fog.

He was going to freeze to death within the next half-hour.

Spock had trudged along, creating four feet of a trenched pathway in the snow, when the first sign of life on this frozen wasteland made itself known.

A giant, blind, grey dinosaur-like being caught a whiff of him and stomped towards him, screeching over the howling winter winds as its head bent down to snatch him up. Closing off every possible feeling in his body, Spock fought his way faster through the snow until he reached an elevated space that he could walk on and broke into a hurried run, barely charging himself with enough body heat to keep going as the cold air cut deep in his throat, burned his exposed tongue and cracked his lips.

He was not going to die here. If he was going to die any time soon it was going to be one of those ships, that was the decision he made when he joined Starfleet and the decision Nero made when he destroyed his planet.

He was not dying without destroying the Narada.

A structure appeared out of the frosty wind as Spock ran ahead. It was a cave, one big enough for him to hid in but hopefully not big enough for it to follow him in.

With the last of his breath and energy, Spock broke into a series of sprints that ended with him sliding into the cave. The dinosaur chased him in, roaring. When it seemed like it had finally cornered him fire came out of the shadows and attacked it, chasing it back out of the cave.

Back out of survival-mode, Spock realized what he was looking at, a humanoid figure covered in old furs and holding up a flaming torch. The figure turned to face him, carefully taking off its hood as it approached.

Long face, narrow, dark eyes, pointed ears and slanted eyebrows. It was a Vulcan. It was –

 _“Selek?”_ Spock asked, shocked.

Mirroring the same level of shock and disbelief Spock felt, Selek only said, “If the universe was sentient, I would muse that it had a cruel sense of humor.”

Spock hopped to his feet, ignoring his shivering bones and burning fingers, focusing solely on the old man’s face. “It’s been ten years. Have you been here this whole time?”

“In a way, I discovered a small rift in space that let me travel back to Vulcan, where I settled near you, but it only allowed me to be there for a limited time. When it resealed itself I got sucked back to my starting point in this corner of the universe.”

“Starting point? Surely you weren’t born here.”

“As Selek, my geological footprint in this universe is registered to have first settled on this planet, no matter where I went through wormholes or rifts I was always going to end up back here, at this exact spot.”

None of this made any sense, then again at this point Spock’s brain was so exhausted and his senses had been dulled by the cold, so nothing made sense. “What do you mean you settled here as Selek?”

“What I mean is that to this universe I am Selek.”

“Stop avoiding my questions and give me a full answer. What do you mean by this universe and that it knows you as Selek.”

“What I mean is that I don’t belong here, and in the parallel world I come from I am not Selek,” Selek looked straight at him, guilt in his eyes.

 “I know this seems difficult to believe, but this all stems from Nero, he is –”

“A time-traveler, I’m aware of that. When he came into the past he created an alternate history where James Kirk wasn’t the captain of the Enterprise.”

“Then it shouldn’t be too difficult for you to believe anything I have to say.”

“It shouldn’t.”

Selek motioned for Spock to follow him into the cave. “It is quite a long story, but if the Enterprise is chasing Nero down and hopes to catch him before he destroys Earth then we need to get you and Mr. Scott back aboard the ship.”

“Don’t walk away from me!” Spock forced Selek to face him. “I need a real answer from you for once!”

“Then perhaps this would be the fastest way to explain it to you.” Selek pressed his fingertips to the psi-points on the side of Spock’s face and Spock felt himself tugged out of his own head and deep into Selek’s down, right through a rushing torrent of memories, all revolving around a set of seven people, the very same people from Selek’s starship crew.

Blurred around the edges with their colors dulled, the memories the crew, came and went with focus only on the most significant memories, ones of Selek playing the lyre while the dark woman in red sang and danced around the recreation room and of a Russian ensign attempting to get him drunk on vodka and ending up under the table himself. Of an Asian man begging Selek to let him bring a sentient, carnivorous plant aboard the ship, a Scottish man running past praising their ship as if it were a person and of a restless but awkward admirer in the form of a nurse.

The last two were the brightest colors in the whole rush, a bright blue and a bright gold. A surly Southern doctor whose snipes consisted of comparison jokes about Selek’s ears and stoic demeanor, calling him a robot and a hobgoblin in a bizarrely good-natured way, and a compact soft-spoken man in Command gold. Every single memory that focused on this man, this captain, was bright with warmth and affection, and as he progressively got older in the viewer’s eyes the feeling of longing and loss smothered the warmth up until the last and clearest memory, of a greying and wrinkled captain offering his hand, smiling eyes crinkled and narrowed with age, but the same bright hazel Jim wore.

_“Spock…”_

The reel was cut off the second the man spoke Spock’s name and he fell back, overwhelmed and unsteady.

“You – you – who is he?” Spock panted, steadying himself. “Is he your Seamus Church?”

“He is my James Kirk, and I am Spock.”

With the Vulcan side of him withering away in the cold, Spock’s blurted “Bullshit!”

 

* * *

 

The old Vulcan led Spock into an enclosure with a fire lit in its center. Spock sat, head still swimming with the memories Selek showed him. They all felt so real, so familiar yet so bizarre. Nero truly created an alternate universe when he came back to get vengeance on what this Spock did to him all those years in the future, but he came at the precise time Jim was born, so this was beyond an eye for an eye, he wanted to take both Spock’s planet and the one thing that made Spock the person he was, the only thing that helped stabilize him, his relationship with Jim.

But what exactly happened to _his_ Jim? According to Selek – he refused to call him Spock – his Jim, his James, did spend a stint on Tarsus IV during Kodos the Executioner’s massacres but they met long after that, while they were both in their thirties not when they were in their teens. Even if they met earlier, what issued Jim’s death and made him someone else, made him believe he was someone else?

Was this on purpose? Did some form of trauma condition Jim to believe he wasn’t James Kirk in order to survive Tarsus IV and escape undetected or was this on purpose, did years of hiding as this identity make him forget who he was?

But Kodos had been believed dead for years, why Jim still be hiding and why would Captain Pike encourage it? It didn’t make any sense unless –

“Nero. He knew he would look for him, he couldn’t kill him the minute he was born on the USS Kelvin, he didn’t die on Tarsus IV but he or whoever helped him become Jason Pike expected Nero to find him and kill him soon.

A flurry of a memory that he got in the mind-meld made itself loud and clear. Matted hair, dark with dirt and blood, face thin and pale from exhaustion and hunger, making his blue eyes larger, was sixteen year-old Jim, staring up at him with unshaking bravery.

“Kill me.” he spat, voice rough and faded. “I’m tired of staying alive, I can’t go on like this anymore.”

A pause went by, but the change in Jim’s expression said that he was listening to someone.

“There’s no point, if I keep on then the other one will come for me, the best thing for me will be to just disappear.”

Another pause went by but Jim quickly cut off, screaming, “I’m done! I’m done! I can’t live with this, I won’t be able to sleep ever again! Kill me! Kill me! _KILL ME!_ ”

A sped-up, fuzzy part of the memory went by and when it became a clear vision of Jim’s face again he wore a completely different expression, lost instead of angry, confused instead of desperate. “Where’s my uncle?”

It ended there but it answered all Spock’s questions. Selek disappeared off Vulcan knowing Jim was alive, he went ahead of Starfleet and manipulated his memories through a meld, rather than killing him he killed his identity.

“Why? Why did you do this to me?”

“You? This has nothing to do with you.” Selek stoked the fire, a dark look on his face. “You have gotten quite emotional since I last saw you, and self-centered.”

“Forgive me for not caring about our culture’s warped sensibilities when I have just lost my father, my planet and have been marooned here with you – and it’s quite hard not to be self-centered when my only company is myself.”

Selek stopped prodding the fire and sighed. “If you have seen what I have intended you to see then you understand why I did what I did, it was the only way to protect him from Nero, as his sole purpose was to hurt me through taking Vulcan, Earth and Jim.”

“You were on Vulcan that very year I was put in contact with him and you didn’t warn anyone?”

“I couldn’t cause anymore damage to the continuum.”

“You couldn’t save your own planet? You could have saved us! You could have saved all those people! Why did you do nothing?”

Selek looked down. “I did nothing because I knew, no matter what I did or said, it would end in the same outcome, as the Narada appeared at uncharted and unpredictable times and would destroy the planet and any moment, telling the residents of Vulcan to keep an eye out for and defend themselves against Nero would have given them something much worse than grief.”

“Which is?”

“Hope.” Selek toyed with something around his neck, a gold chain that ended in a small oval-shaped locket. “The worst thing you could do to anyone is give them hope and take it away.”

He was right, but that wasn’t a good enough excuse right now.

Spock picked up a frigid pebble and turned it over, watching the sheet of his ice on it gleam in the firelight. “If warning us would have had no effect then hiding his identity won’t have one either, he will die aboard that ship facing Nero.”

“Murphy’s Law,” Selek agreed. “Whatever can happen will most likely happen. It doesn’t mean it isn’t worth the effort. Nothing is absolute.”

Spock snorted at the irony of that sentence.

“You can try to change the outcome, especially if you feel as if my insistence at not inferring are damaging.”

Spock crushed the pebble. “How am I supposed to do that when I am here and not aboard the ship?”

Selek was suddenly up and gone through one of the halls dug into the ice cave. “Through here.”

Confused, Spock followed him deep into the cave and to a modernized room, with steam ventilators, an ancient set of flatscreen computers and a set of tubes that resembled the first attempts at creating beam transportation.

The last thing he noticed was a man bundled in winter clothes, arguing with a small, bug-eyed, scaly creature.

“—you eat, like, a bean, and you’re done for the year!”

Selek cleared his throat loudly. “This is Montgomery Scott, a genius engineer that should be of great use to you once you’re back aboard the ship.”

The short Scottish man pushed the rim of his cap off his eyes and stared at Spock. “Another Vulcan? I know why I got marooned here but what’s with all the Vulcans? Aren’t you lot supposed to be the most perfect denizens of this ‘verse?”

“Why did you get sent here?” Spock asked him.

“Let’s say there was an unfortunate incident with a transporter pod and Admiral Archer’s prized beagle.”

“No time to explain, Mr. Scott, it’s time for you both to leave?”

“I toldya ages ago, call me Scotty.”

Selek pointed to the beam pods within the tubes. Scotty didn’t argue and neither did Spock.

“Are you not coming with us?” Spock asked when the old engine rebooted and began its rotation.

Selek shook his head, “I have no more to do now, it’s your turn.”

As the beams kicked up, sucking Spock bit by bit out of the dispatch spot, Selek lost color and solidity but was visible enough for Spock to see his hand raised in a salute. When he moved to return the gesture he was already out of sight and travelling through a Jeffries tube in the Enterprise engine room.

When the water rushed down to drown him Spock thought, if the universe was sentient, then it was nothing more than an ill-tempered dog that chose him as its new chew-toy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
>  
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when my computer crashed and the entire document this fic was on left with it? Yeah, this time I saved the story on a Sundisk card so it wouldn't be on the computer and the document itself vanished off the bloody card.
> 
> I think the universe is trying to tell me something but I don't know what. Maybe it's "Be nice to Poor Spocko."
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

After Uhura graduated, she packed three suitcases and Spock into Chapel’s hover-car and drove them to a water park in San Diego. Spock didn’t get on any of the rides, he just sat to the side with a bag of vegetable chips and Uhura and Chapel’s bags and shoes and watched them waddle from ride to ride on wet, flat feet, drenched to the bone and laughing from the fast and twisting wet contraptions they called joy rides.

This wasn’t a joy ride.

The sound of the ships engines roaring to life came with the current within the Jeffries tubes shooting upwards, sucking Spock with it, taking him on a fast and dizzying ride of sharp twists into bent tubes, banging his head on the curve above him and his ribs on the curve below. When he recognized the floor from amidst the rushing water’s bubbles, Spock waited for the exact second the engine quieted down and the water stopped to bang on the glass.

Unfortunately, Spock’s Vulcan strength wasn’t close to the extreme pressure needed to break these tubes and everything was timed. With another loud, metallic groan of turning cogs and wheels and a hiss of steam, Spock was once again slammed up against the glass and shoved across it by the shooting streams of water, his skin and hair scraping against the smooth material just before he fell back and down a standing tube. The landing curve was going to break his neck.

On his way down and in another tube, Spock was spotted by a crew member in a red uniform, who dropped her clipboard and screamed. Through another upward stream Spock crossed yet another woman in red, this one he was quite pleased to see.

“UHURA!” came out in a mass of bubbles as he shot by. Uhura ran alongside his horizontal tube, waving her arms above her head and screaming questions at him.

Spock was running low on oxygen. He had already swallowed the water that rushed into his mouth but he couldn’t hold on for much longer, he felt the pressure on his brain and the burning need to breathe burn through his head and lungs. Another fast jerk upwards forced his mouth open and several gulps of water to go down his throat, up his nose and in his ears. He had gone from floating to drowning in two feet of cylindrical glass.

The tube split in half and Spock fell onto the engine room floor, vomiting up the water and gasping for air, his wet hair hanging heavy over his eyes, his body shivering from the leftover intense feeling of cold from Delta Vega and magnified by the water, pulling his body temperature way below its usual steady heat.

“Spock! Spock,” Uhura called, trying to maneuver him onto his knees, a few engineers, a nurse in blue and Scotty in a spare uniform all standing around him. “What were you doing in there?”

 “I fancied a swim,” he deadpanned, coughing.

“Be serious. How did you even get in there? Who’s he? What’s going on?” Uhura asked, tossing her hand in Scotty’s direction, who was quizzing one of the red shirts on the engines.

Sitting up, Spock parted his wet bangs to check the ship. Several of the Vulcan refugees has been moved here with several staff members from Medical. The engine was particularly loud and Warp speed didn’t feel particularly speedy, especially since they needed to reach Earth before Nero.

“I need to warn the captain.”

“Spock, you need to get back to the brig – SPOCK!”

In an instant, Spock had up and went out of Engineering, his wet feet pounding on the floor, a team of five confused questioners right on his wet trail. He was fast enough to snatch a change of clothes on his way past Medical and a Science blue shirt that was a size too big, toweling his hair with a sweater before pulling it on and coming to a halt right at the deck.

Everyone turned to face him, the last chair to turn all the way around was Jim’s.

“Do I want to know how you got out?”

“I believe you would, since it involved several violations and an attempt on my life.”

“What?”

“I was marooned.”

“Explain.”

“I will, later, but now I need to discuss something with you.”

Jim sat up straighter, his jaw set, the hand-shaped bruises on his neck still vivid and large, his voice still a tad raspy. “Which is?”

“It’s about chances of reaching Earth before the Narada, and if we do, how are we going to prevent any serious damage?”

He considered it, tapping his fingers on the armrests of his chair. “Sulu, get up here.”

Lt. Sulu took the captain’s spot on the chair and Jim joined him out. Facing straight ahead, posture almost as stiff as his own, Jim avoided his eyes at all costs. Spock wanted to grab him and shake him, tell him about their alternate selves, the memories he got through the meld, ask him if he remembered him at all or if whatever Selek did to him was permanent and efficient.

“Well?” Jim asked. “What’s the plan.”

“I have none.”

“You what? Then why did you drag me out here for?”

“To, hopefully, have you devise a plan and help you foolproof it before we carry it out,” explained Spock, pushing back the stray memory of the alternate, elder Captain James Kirk, with his twinkling hazel eyes and mischievous knowing smile as he shared his gambit of an escape plot with Selek.

The blank, hopeless look Jim gave him effectively reminded him that the man in front of him was not Jim Kirk, not entirely. It seemed the fate of their success depended on whether or not he would ever go from Not Quite Jim to Unmistakably Jim.

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit,” Spock quoted and the effect of his words was brief but clear, the brief flash of shock and awareness was like a spider-web crack in the glass windows that were Jim’s unfocused eyes. The lock on his mind was open but it needed a trigger to keep it that way, if he didn’t jog Jim’s memories then sheer stubbornness would shut them back up.

“What – what were you saying?” Jim’s eyes fluttered in fast, bothered blinks, as if he could suddenly feel the contacts in his eyes.

Spock reached for Jim’s head, fingers splayed, ready to dive into his mind, “We don’t have much time, if you’d just let me –” but Jim slapped his hand away, head bent back, eyes wide with expectant fear.

He thought he was going to be hit again.

Spock looked at his hand and then at Jim, at a loss for how exactly to explain everything to him without sounding completely insane or beyond understandable. “Jim –”

“Jason! Jason! My name is Jason!”

“For the last time, you are Jim Kirk and some part of you is aware of who you truly are.”

Jim rounded on him, furiously screaming, “There is no Jim Kirk! Jim Kirk died ten years ago on Tarsus IV and he’s going to stay dead!”

“You…you remember.”

“Remember what?”

“Tarsus IV. Do you remember what happened before that?”

Sad and lost confused replaced his anger. He turned up his hands, curled in his fingers and then splayed them out then touched the inside of his left arm. “No…”

“Jim. Jim, look at me. You have to remember. Stop blocking your memories.”

Jim backed away from him, his eyes unfocused. He stuck a hand down the front of his shirt and brought out the black stone ring. “You gave me this?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Ten years ago, right before you departed for Tarsus IV.”

“That’s not – I didn’t -  I just met you –” he stopped stuttering and looked right at him, narrowing his eyes, trying to bring him into focus. “Vulcan, I was going to Vulcan when I stopped on Tarsus IV.”

Relieved, Spock reached out, hope swirling in his chest. “You were, you were coming to visit me.”

“Why?”

“Because…let me show you.”

Jim, dazed, didn’t move away from Spock’s touch, eyes closing as Spock’s fingertips pressed against his psi-points.

The mind-meld sucked Spock in Jim’s mind and through his rushing river of memories and thoughts, fast flurries of bright colors and clashes of garbled sounds sliding by and being swallowed by the caverns of Jim’s mind. Selek’s transferred memories poured out of Spock, settling in and breaking the bonds on Jim’s already-existing memories. As the memories turned into framed scenes and were swept to the side to fall back like a rotating movie reel, everything became dark.

A familiar mass of glowing blue threads appeared and Spock now knew that he was looking into his own mind. The threads reached out into the void, stretching themselves beyond their limits until a gold light sparked ahead, spawning bright gold threads that reached back out to the blue.

Disembodied voices echoed through the dark, repeating and merging as each blue ribbon latched onto a gold one.

_“You’re a stubborn man, Mr. Spock.”_

_“When I feel friendship for you, I am ashamed.”_

_“Why, Spock, you make me almost believe in miracles.”_

_“I am quite fond of you as well, more than is advisable.”_

_“Fond, just fond, huh?”_

_“I assure you, that won’t be necessary as I don’t need to be mentally altered by some primal drive to want to have you as a mate.”_

_“Is that Vulcan for_ _I don’t need beer-goggles to want to tap that ass_ _?”_

_“Things have changed for me and that's okay, I'm still the same, I'm on my way and I say things have changed for me and that's okay...”_

The gold and blue threads intertwined tightly, forming a glittering and glowing rope – a bond, and Spock fell out of Jim’s head.

They flew apart, backs hitting the opposite walls of the hallway. Jim slid down the wall, clutching his head and panting. Spock had a hard time knowing which way was up and which way was down, but he realized that he still had water in his ears.

Jim’s head lolled from side to side, his wide eyes not staring at anything in particular and his dry lips mumbling the words that steadily got louder and louder,

_“Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!_

_Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft_

_prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may_

_pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?”_

“Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit?”

Jim let out a manic, unsettling laugh. “Exactly!”

When the hallway stopped shaking and Spock’s head stopped ringing, he crouched before Jim and tucked a finger under his chin, lifting his head to face him. “Are you Jim?”

“Hmmm, depends on who’s asking.”

“It’s Spock.”

“Spock, Spock, Spooooock,” he wondered distractedly. His eyes went from rolling to the far left to suddenly staring at Spock, accompanied by a wide grin. “That’s a funny name.”

What had he done?

* * *

 

Spock helped him up. Jim clutched his arms, steadying himself, still staring at Spock. “I know you.”

“Yes, you do. You’re currently overwhelmed, the rest of your memories should arrived shortly.”

Jim stumbled and clutched Spock tighter, searching his face. “Be honest with me, do I have a third eye?”

“No?”

“Then why are you looking at me like that?”

“Your eyes, they’re the wrong color. It bothers me.”

“Yeah, well, your face is wider, makes your ears look smaller and that’s bothering me.”

He noticed, that meant he was starting to remember.

“Your haircut is stupid,” he stated bluntly.

“You made that clear several times.”

Jim giggled and pressed his sweaty forehead against Spock’s wet hair, his hot, uneven breath on his face. Jim’s hands moved up from his arms to his face, fingers cupping his jaw, thumbs stroking his cheekbones. Fondness softened his face as his hands traveled further up and back to Spock’s ears, stroking and pinching the pointed tips with such reverent care, like this simple motion was something he had been yearning to do.

“I was going to do this the second I landed on Vulcan,” Jim whispered, lightly pinching the spot in Spock’s ears with the curve met the tip. “but I never did. I never got there. I died on Tarsus IV.”

Spock touched Jim’s hands, stoking his fingers along Jim’s in the soft semblance of a kiss. “No, you didn’t. You are here, with me, on a starship, just as we promised all those years ago.”

Quickly, Jim’s hands left his face like they’d been burned. “I did. I remember it all. One minute I was there in the chaos of Kodos’ massacre and the next minute, nothingness.”

“What do you remember up until now.”

“Someone’s life, someone who was happy and…warm.”

Warm. That one word summoned the tanned, smiling face of Selek’s James Kirk.

Looking down, Jim unclasped the chain around his neck and handed it to Spock, the ring dangling from it catching the bluish light in a dull gleam. “Here.”

Stunned, Spock’s hand froze in between them. He had been reaching out for Jim but he had accidentally accepted the ring. “Why?”

“This was meant for someone else. You should have it back.”

“I gave it to you, it was meant for you.”

“You gave it to a boy you knew ten years ago, that boy is gone. Whatever promise this ring was, whatever promise you think is fulfilled because we’re both on this ship, it didn’t happen, and if it did then it doesn’t hold the same meaning anymore.”

“It does and always will hold the same meaning.”

“Not to me!”

Spock clutched the ring, its edges digging into his palm. “You remember me now, our bond is solidified, we are one step away from a true and strong bond, and we are finally together, why are you making this difficult?”

“For someone who’s so logical it’s a wonder you can’t put two and two together.”

Jim walked away from him. Spock chased him down back to Engineering. Jim dodged him the entire time he made rounds around the room, making orders and talking to Doctor McCoy over his comm.

They found Scotty’s bottom half hanging out of the main engine, several springs and cogs and wires at his feet, loud clunking coming from within.

“Excuse me.”

Scotty jumped, banging his head against the roof of the doorway. “OW!”

He climbed out of the engine and faced Jim, who squinted at him. “I don’t remember you.”

“Oh, I – I’m new, your chief engineer seems to have gone missing.”

“Yes, he got vaporized by the planet drill on Vulcan. Are you Starfleet?”

Glancing at Spock worriedly, he let out an unsure, drawn-out “Yeeess? Can I have a towel?”

“Can you do something about our Warp drive? Make it go a bit faster than normal?”

“I can get it up to a Warp Factor 9.”

“Do it, quick. Keep me updated.”

Jim didn’t warn Spock before he sprinted towards Security, yelling up to Sulu over his comm in between the men he dodged, telling them to be on standby and snatching phasers. He tossed one behind him to Spock and tucked two into his boots because finishing a lap around the floor and coming back out to the hall.

“What is your plan?”

“Find the Narada, lock onto its coordinates, beam a party of two, maybe three at a time, get Chris out and then deal with the rest once he’s out.”

“What if Captain Pike didn’t survive.”

Jim clutched the front of his shirt and shook him. “Don’t you dare – don’t you even think about. Chris is fine or he is going to be fine.”

“You have to consider the inevitable or else your emotional turmoil could compromise the –”

“Oh, fuck off.”

Jim sped back up to the deck, trying to avoid Spock again but Spock had had enough. He caught Jim by the shoulder and forced him to face him. “Will you explain to me for once second what is going on in your mind?”

Jim’s guffaws of sarcastic laughter made Spock cringe. “That’s rich, that’s really rich coming from you, who just had his little green claws in my mind!”

“I don’t understand your issue, I helped you break the binding on your memories, you say you remember me then you spurn me. You owe me an explanation!”

“I don’t owe you anything.”

“I brought you back to yourself for the first time in ten years –”

“I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO!” Jim’s sudden outburst backed Spock up against the wall. “I didn’t ask you to seek me out, I didn’t ask you to remind me, I didn’t ask you to bring me back! What gave you the idea that I _wanted_ to be back?”

“But –”

“Incase you’re wondering, I didn’t! It was case closed when James Kirk died on Tarsus IV, finally at peace, without needing to live on and deal with all the shit he had seen, with all the disappointment and resentment he’d seen his entire life and with all the trauma that would have crippled him for life!”

Shout after shout, Spock slid further down the wall, hunching his shoulders, tucking his chin, trying to shrink as much as possible.

“The minute Jason Pike was born he was lost but for the next ten years of his life he was happy the way James Kirk never was!”

At this very moment, Spock would give anything to rewrite the laws of physics just so he could melt through the floor.

“If you knew me that well, if we were so connected, if you gave a damn about me that much, then why did you kill Jason?”

“Because I wanted Jim back,” Spock admitted, feeling more and more ashamed of himself as the words left his mouth and met his ears.

“And why did you want me back?”

Spock decided that his regulation boots were incredibly interesting.

“Don’t tell me it’s because you loved me.”

“Then I won’t.”

His anger faded slightly, only to be replaced by a bothered look, eyes looking him up and down without much scrutiny. Pity. “Spock, it’s been ten years.”

“I’m very aware. It’s partly the reason I rushed to dismantle the lock on your memories.”

“You don’t get it, do you? What you thought you knew as a kid isn’t the reality, who you were as a kid isn’t you are now.”

“What are you implying?”

“What you already know. Think of it logically, Spock, are you the same person you were when you were sixteen or seventeen or even twenty? Are you the same literal-minded shut-in that messaged me all those years ago?”

“Definitely not.”

“Then why do you think I’m the same kid you had a stupid crush on?”

“It was more than that,” Spock protested.

“That’s what you thought. Have you been with anyone since then?”

“No, no one could have surpassed you.”

Jim slapped a hand over his forehead. “Spock, there are literally a million guys out there just like me or like I was before Tarsus, your memory of me is just a little too rosy.”

“It is quite vivid, I assure you.”

“It’s normal. Usually when someone dies young and tragically, to cope, people tend to come up with a completely different idea of what they were like when they were alive. I guarantee you, most people alive in the 1900s had a completely different view of John Lennon and Marilyn Monroe then the really fond, almost fairytale-like love people today have for them.”

“But what I feel for you is compatible, is viable, is recent and is as close to destiny as our world would permit, we are T’hy’la.”

“Maybe we once were, but now we’re completely different people.” Jim smoothed back his hair and breathed out loudly, calming down. “Face it. You don’t love me, you love the idea of me.”

Spock had no answer. He didn’t have the energy to form an answer anymore, he just stared helplessly at what he thought was his last chance at coping, his last chance at finding a silver lining in the unending storm that had become his life.

Jim’s communicator beeped. He flipped it open and sighed. “We’ll be within reach of the Narada soon, if you’re going to join my rescue mission, meet me by the transporter pod in ten minutes. If you can’t pull yourself together by then…”

Jim walked back onto the deck and for once Spock had no idea how to proceed onto the next step of is life. His path was gone and he was stuck in limbo, staring at the white wall ahead and trying to remember how to breathe in and out without jumpstarting a heart attack.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, darlings, I've been kind preoccupied writing something else, something original, so it took me a while to get back in the Spirk mindset :3 
> 
> This chapter took a lot of repeated listens to Muse's [Starlight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgum6OT_VH8) and Marianas Trench's new song [One Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQq3hEB4HAE)
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Jim’s words swayed Spock in nauseating echoes around his head and around the very hall he was stumbling down. His father’s calm and cut-off last words joined Jim’s heated rant and Uhura’s insistence that he was obsessed with what never was and what wasn’t truly Jim came back to him in what was emotionally akin to a punch in the gut.

 “I am in control of my emotions. I am in control of my emotions.” He slammed his fist against the wall, denting it. “I am in control of my emotions!”

He steadied himself and felt around for his phaser, breathing in and out until the pounding in his side settled and the low-grade meditation he was attempting pushed down everything he had seen the last few hours.

Steadily, Spock walked down the bright halls, passing by several ensigns and rushing security officers yelling questions to each other over his head or gossiping about the situation they were in, about what happened to Captain Pike, about how Spock strangled Pike’s nephew and the Russian ensign who ran around from deck to deck babbling at the AIs.

Squaring his shoulders and putting on a blank expression, Spock marched towards the transporter pod where Jim was kneeling, head lowered and fingers massaging the spot between and around his brows.

“Are you alright?”

“Got a pounding headache, it’s like my skull is sore.” Jim looked up at him and Spock’s façade almost blew off. Jim had taken off his contact lenses and back was the blue, blue gaze he had last seen on a screen ten years ago but in reality the color was brighter, more intense and enthralling than the blue corners of the night sky turning lighter and lighter in the starlight.

Cerulean, that was the exact shade.

Spock reached out. “I can fix that.”

Jim slapped his hand away. “Yeah, no, thanks. You’ve done enough damage in there.”

Spock kept his composure. “Have we closed in on Earth’s atmosphere?”

“Not exactly, but we are in the solar system. The ship is going to hide in the clouds of one of Jupiter’s moons – Titan – until you and I get the job done.”

“Is no one else joining us?”

“Nope, just me and you.”

“Do you think it’s wise to go aboard an enemy ship without backup?”

“No, but what we need right now is not backup but to be inconspicuous and we can’t do that with five burly guys in red following us around.”

Scotty came into the room and stood behind the control panel. “Ready?”

Spock settled on the pod next to Jim. Jim saluted Scotty and the transporter beams lit up around them. The last thing Spock saw before he was split into a billion pieces was Jim’s eyes hovering in the spinning gold light.

 

* * *

 

 

He rearranged right in a misty dark corner of the Narada, Jim a few feet away, hiding behind a crate, peeking from around its corner, phaser at the ready.

A few Romulans moved in the distance, silhouetted against the pale blue light. Spock quietly joined Jim, watching the directions out of Jim’s field of vision, setting his phaser to kill.

The thought occurred to him with a tinge of sadness, that he was readying himself to kill someone if the need arose. This was not what he expected as a Vulcan or as someone who joined Starfleet, a force of change and peace, but Vulcan and all it stood for was gone, his father and his expectations was gone and if Spock didn’t shoot to kill then the very source of Starfleet would be gone too.

The Romulans ahead left, Jim crawled closer. Spock followed, keeping an ear out for any movement. Jim rolled out of sight and reappeared a few feet away, leaning forward, gripping his phaser, chewing on his bottom lip nervously.

“See anything?”

Spock scanned the room. “No. Do you?”

“Nah. Gonna take my chances. Cover me.”

Jim stood, hunched over and armed, and quietly moved across the room. A laser beam flew right over his shoulder. Jim ducked for the shadowy corner near the door ahead and Spock shot right where the beam came from. When he heard a body drop, Jim went right through the door with Spock on his trail.

Voices made their way down the corridor. Spock didn’t need a universal translator to understand the rushed and guttural tones of standard Romulan, it was still a lot like Vulcan as Romulans originally were a disbanded group of Vulcans who left the planet during the Surakian reformation, rejecting a life of logic and emotionlessness. The closest comparison to the difference would be between the human languages of Italian and Spanish.

“Wait.” Spock stopped Jim. Jim reactively threw Spock’s hand off his arm. Spock didn’t comment on it. “They’re moving to another end of the ship, apparently Nero asked for a moment alone.”

“We’ll wait till we can’t hear them then attack Nero. On average, how many do you think he keeps with him?”

“Seeing as Romulans are very scarce where he’s from and he hasn’t contacted present-day Romulus, probably not a lot. Two or three guards, give or take.”

“I can take them.”

“We can take them.”

Jim gave him an unreadable look, his left eyebrow quirked slightly. “I thought Vulcans were pacifists.”

“They weren’t always. Before Surak we were quite the warrior race.”

Both eyebrows rose this time. “No shit?”

“No shit.”

The beginnings of a smile bared Jim’s teeth in the dim blue light but it ended when the sound of something hitting the floor got their attention.

Jim ran up without a warning and hit the floor, crawling on his elbows to watch what was happening in the patch of light ahead. Spock heard Nero’s voice before he saw him leaning over Captain Pike.

“Chris!” Jim hissed.

Spock held him back. “Wait.”

Jim didn’t resist. He ground his teeth angrily as he watched Nero with unblinking eyes. “They’re torturing him.”

“I know.”

“I have to do something.”

“Any brash attempts to free the captain could result in all our deaths.”

“How logical.” Jim slipped out of his grip and walked away, his face to Spock just as he reached the steps going up. “Too bad humans aren’t the poster boys for logic.”

“JIM!”

Jim shot up the steps and burst onto the scene shooting straight for Nero and his right-hand man’s heads. Jim ducked when Nero brought out his own green photon pistol and aimed right at his chest. He shot Nero’s leg, sending him to the ground.

Nero and Jim came face to face. Nero brimmed with fury until he really looked at Jim, he didn’t recognize him at one but his silence showed that he did know something was off, if Jim was a regular human his head would have been blown off by now but the interest that paralyzed Nero saved him and gave Spock enough time to shoot the overhead lights and plunge them into darkness.

The lights from far, far away cast enough lighting to reflect off Spock’s eyes and into his dilated pupils, casting everything in shadows for him. He quickly worked on freeing Captain Pike while the sounds of a struggle came from beneath him. Nero’s pistol was kicked out from under the table and the other Romulan caught it just as Spock was lifting Pike off the table and made several aimless shots for Spock.

 _It was dark and the only way he could get them was by sheer luck and luck was statistically improbable in general,_ Spock assured himself.

The sound of a head hitting the bottom of the table unbalanced Spock, who nearly dropped Pike, and it alerted Ayel, who shot again, the beam passing right between Spock’s bent head and shoulder, singeing his earlobe.

Spock blocked out the pain and arranged Pike into a fireman carry across his shoulders and made his way towards the light. When he was halfway down the stairs and back to the point where Scotty beamed them in he realized that Jim wasn’t behind him, that he was still up there and grappling with two Romulans in the dark.

He couldn’t leave Pike alone, not on this ship, not when he gave himself up to be tortured to save the Enterprise and everyone on it, to save Jim. But Pike’s sacrifice would be worth nothing if Spock didn’t get Jim out with him.

Did he have time to get Pike to the landing spot, contact Scotty, beam up with him, ensure his safety under Doctor McCoy’s care and come back for Jim? Even if he beamed down help for Jim in the form of several security officers they would cause a disturbance on the ship, cause a major shootout straight out of Christine Chapel’s old Western movies.

Spock was stuck with twenty feet in between him and the landing spot and twenty feet in between him and Jim, looking back and forth from where he wanted to be and where he needed to be. Jim had been on Tarsus IV, he had survived a massacre, he could handle two Romulans as this was his job as a Starfleet officer. Spock’s job as commander would be the ship’s safety and the Enterprise and Earth would only be safe if the Narada and the drill it carried were destroyed.

A stray memory from Selek’s mind-meld transference came up front and center in his mind: Red matter. What was red matter?

Footsteps came near, Spock hid in a shadowy corner, reaching for his communicator. A few Romulans passed and headed up towards the sounds of struggle. Panic flared in Spock’s chest.

He quickly typed out a command to the team on the bridge, requesting for Doctor McCoy to be on stand by at the transporter room and quickly crossed the room and set Pike down just in time to get beamed up.

Spock moved away just as the last remnants of spinning light took Pike up and away and he was stopped by a fist flying towards his head. He ducked, clasped his hands and swung him right at the Romulan’s middle in a sideways punch, when he stumbled Spock quickly nerve-pinched him, took his weapon and ran up the stairs.

It was still dark but it had gotten quiet. Inching closer as quietly as possible Spock strained his ears for the sound of movement, for the familiar sound of Jim breathing.

A hand gripped his ankle and he aimed his phaser right at it. The grip loosened and the thumb pushed up the material of his trousers and pressed against his skin, jumpstarting his touch-telepathy with a reassuring “It’s me.”

Spock would send back a thought but their link hadn’t been established, let alone stabilized, so it would be one-way until then – if _then_ ever came.

Jim crawled past Spock and he followed, half distracted by his mental scouring for a lead on what the red matter was.

“Jim?” Spock asked, Selek’s transferred memories starting to make sense. “Where is Nero?”

“He slipped past me after I knocked out Ayel. I’m sure they went that way.”

“Why are we following them then?”

“To incapacitate the fuckers before they zoom to Earth?”

“I mean why aren’t we getting ahead of them, sabotaging their ship?”

“Because we’re on it? We get a hold of them first, ask a few questions then destroy the ship because if this bastard doesn’t make it out we still need a fucking explanation on where the hell he and this ship came from, how he drilled your planet into a black hole and why the fuck he’s out for us this way.”

“Me,” Spock said. “It’s because of me, or my future self. He came into the past to take both my homes away from me.”

It may have been dark but Spock knew what kind of look Jim was giving him. “I think you’re starting to crack.”

“I am not. I met future self when I was marooned on Delta Vega and we shared a meld, that is how I was finally sure that you were who I thought you were, my future self turned out to be my old confidant on Vulcan, Selek, who disappeared around the same time you did.”

“Whoa, Legolas, you’re seriously losing it.”

“He was the one who modified your memories.”

“Wait, that wrinkly old Vulcan was the old man you mentioned in our messages?”

“That was me from the future, or what is now the future of an alternate timeline as Nero’s arrival here and destruction of the USS Kelvin diverged the course of history as it was in his reality.”

Jim got very quiet as he rose to his feet. Spock could feel his heated gaze on his face. “Are you saying that you’re the reason for all of this? For my father dying on the Kelvin, for me getting sent to Tarsus IV, for Vulcan being gone and Earth following it?”

“Yes, in a way. It is me over a hundred years from now, or at least who I would have been without Nero’s interference. It’s quite abstract.”

Jim huffed miserably. “You’re just a complete joy, aren’t you?”

Spock stepped in front of him. “We have another problem to deal with. It seems that my future self – Selek – brought with him a material known as red matter, it is what powered the black hole that devoured Vulcan.”

“Thank you for the science lesson.”

“Selek’s ship, which was brought here with the Narada contains another source of red matter, we can use it on the Narada, to stop it before it drills through Earth.”

Jim went very quiet, eyes darting back and forth in the dim light. He was plotting. “Do you know where it is?”

“Yes.”

“Good, I have a plan.”

“Do you now?”

The lights came back on. Nero and Ayel stood before them, bleeding from their heads and aiming large guns at them. “Jim he called you. So you’re the infamous James T. Kirk, I must say unlike your friend you look quiet different, especially the eyes.”

Spock stepped closer, his phaser on level with Jim’s, but neither Romulan cared about the weapons turned on them, they must have assumed that they were set to stun therefore harmless. Jim’s may be set to stun but Spock’s wasn’t, Spock was ready to burn holes through their heads but that put him at another predicament. They needed Nero alive long enough to question him because Spock’s mind-meld with Selek was not enough.

“It’s very sweet, how no matter history has diverged you two are always together. I bet that really warms your cold heart, Spock. I bet this time the new eyes were what reeled you in.” Nero powered up his gun and aimed it at the middle of Jim’s face. “Let’s start with those first.”

Spock and Nero pulled the trigger at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I've been having the worst case of writer's block, but I managed to squeeze this bit out
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

Jim’s fight-or-flight sense kicked in before the light fled both their phasers and he ducked out of Nero’s way. Spock wasn’t so lucky as Nero’s hit missed Jim it burned past the side of Spock’s arm as Spock’s own shot burned off Nero’s right ear.

Jim caught Spock by the wrist and pulled him after him. “Come on!”

Pain and the stinging exposure from the air on his wound and the blood spilling out onto his sleeve overwhelmed Spock, he could barely block any of the pressing emotions that spurred from the situation and the wound and focus on their escape.

“Spock, Spock, where’s Selek’s ship?”

“Left.”

Jim steered him to the left. Spock could hear the Romulans catching up to them.

Time, sound and sight faltered for him, everything around him slowed down, sounds became drawn out or cut up and his sight became nothing but darkness peppered by colorful bubble as his head bobbed back and forth dizzyingly, spinning a heated wave of nausea.

Thinking in a linear, coherent way had become almost impossible.

“Where is it? Spock, where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“The red matter!”

A burst of light flew over their heads, the fast stomps of advancing feet and the protesting shouts in Romulan, a language not so different from his own, barely making sense in his mind.

It finally hit Spock that these men, these Romulans, were the reason his own language and the entirety of Vulcan culture might grow to be unrecognizable thanks to their impact.

Ignoring the blood and the pain, Spock lifted his weight from Jim and grabbed his wrist, only a small part of his thumb brushing Jim’s skin, feeling his own panic and anxiousness, and he pulled Jim out of the Romulan’s way and around the corner, running into a shadowy hall. Jim turned halfway around to shoot back at the Romulans, and by the sound of it, he hit a good number of them.

A burst of ill-timed pride overtook his nerves, that Jim, with the sudden revelation and higher tendency of humans to buckle under pressure, was still quick on his feet, just what a leader needed to be.

The familiar curve of the hall ahead flashed the fleeting memory he received from Selek like it was a film reel on an old projector passing, bright and shaky but obvious enough for him to be sure what it was supposed to be. It was where the red matter was.

Spock jumped in first, placed his hand on the giant orb of red liquid as Jim shot at the oncoming enemy with one hand and spoke into his communicator with the other. “Scotty, beam us out of here!”

The spinning gold beams surrounded them and the orb, but just as they were fading out of the Narada a Romulan jumped on Jim and hijacked their escape.

Jim, Spock, the orb and the Romulan rematerialized on the transporter pod and tried to scramble to their feet before the orb could roll off he pod and crash on the floor but the Romulan caught Jim by the neck and pressed a gun to his temple.

“The matter, give me the red matter.”

Spock was stuck in his place, reached for the phaser on his belt, trying to think his way out of this situation. He couldn’t give him the red matter, but he couldn’t let him take Jim, not again.

“Don’t stall. The matter for your human, make the choice before I do.”

If he gave him the red matter he would have the means to destroy Earth, if he didn’t give him the red matter then he would destroy Jim right before his eyes. Was Jim more important than an entire planet? Was he?

“I said –” the Romulan was cut off by Jim slamming the back of his head against his nose and grabbing his armed hand and twisting his arm until he dropped the phaser, which he then kicked over to Spock. “Stun him!”

In the rush of it all, Spock wasn’t sure if him shooting a phaser set to Kill was a conscious decision or not, but it wasn’t one he would ever regret. The Romulan hit the floor, dead.

“Looks like your big brain is pretty useless in a fight,” commented Jim.

“It is not.”

“Sure, whatever you say.”

“I was calculating a way to rescue you before you beat me to it.”

“If by calculating you mean gaping at me like a goldfish.”

“I was going to save you, as I always was.”

A sour look twisted Jim’s mouth and narrowed his eyes into a heated glare. “Incase you haven’t gotten it by now, I can save myself, and I certainly don’t need you to keep fucking everything up for me because you have no idea what you are doing.”

“No idea what I’m doing? You speak as if you aren’t making things up as you go along.”

“What, did you expect me to predict everything that happened in the last forty-eight hours? Including Chris becoming a hostage, you bringing back my memories and us ending up with a literal black hole in a bottle?”

Jim frowned down at the red matter. “What are we going to do with this thing anyway? Is Nero still going to go to Earth if he doesn’t have this stuff to swallow the planet?”

“He is more likely to chase us –” just as Spock began to mention it, the ship was hit, sending them both flying across the room and to the floor, the red matter rolling out of the room and down the hall.

“There he is,” Jim deadpanned.

Scotty came back into the room, rolling the red matter carefully. “Mind explaining what’s going on now, Captain?”

The ship was hit again, rattling the entire room and making the lights flicker on and off.

“The kid sitting by the anthill wants his magnifying glass back.”

“What?” both Spock and Scotty asked.

“Never you mind. Spock, I have a plan on how to get rid of the matter before Nero starts drilling into the planet. Scotty, try to hold our shields for as long as possible, be ready to use the highest warp factor at my command.”

Scotty parked the ball by the control panels and ran straight for Engineering. Spock got within reach of it by the third time the ship got hit. “What’s the plan?”

“You getting sucked into a black hole.”

At this rate, Spock didn’t know if this was another sarcastic insult or his actual fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays, everyone! 
> 
> Playlist [here!](http://8tracks.com/lucy_claire/letters-from-across-the-universe)

 

Everyone was high-strung, even Spock.

It didn’t help that their plan was riddled with holes and not enough probabilities leaning towards his favor. In short, he saw a lot of risk and not much reward.

The youngest aboard the ship, Ensign Chekov, a talkative and enthusiastic prodigy tried to go over the plan with him but kept getting sidetracked in his calculations and further confusing Spock, who, on a good day, would be able to absorb everything Chekov and his atrocious accent were saying. But today, he could barely focus on keeping his emotions steady, anticipating his duty in this situation and translating everything the boy babbled into Vulcan.

A knock silenced him. Spock’s mother stood in the doorway of the transporter room, her hair loose over her shoulders, her brown eyes tired and haunted, her hands holding a tray of tea with limp-wristed hands.

“Excuse me, Ensign, but can I speak to my son alone?”

Chekov got up and left without complaint, briefly bowing to Amanda and whispering what sounded like “I’m sorry for your losses,” before rushing out of the room.

Amanda entered and the short shut behind her. Despite how harrowed and exhausted she was, she still gave Spock her warmest smile.

This right here was why he avoided her. Humans didn’t believe in entirely suppressing their emotions, even regarded the practice in general as unhealthy and damaging, and as a human living on Vulcan Amanda tried to advocate a good balance between the two, to neither overindulge or suppress his feelings but try to power through the negative emotions and focus on the positive. It was hard for Spock to be positive when all he was faced with was hatred and scorn at school and in the community but when he first came in contact with Jim it became almost simple.

What his mother was doing now, smiling after surviving the loss of Vulcan, the loss of her husband and the dreaded and very possible loss of her own planet, was not being positive, it was suppression.

“Mother…” he began, lost for words.

Amanda set the tea tray on the table and took Chekov’s vacated seat. “Spock.”

Spock stared at her, unsure how to proceed. This was his mother, his very human mother, he couldn’t put a distance between them by saying a simple “I’m sorry for your loss,” or “My condolences,” and he had no idea how to go about this in a personal way. Did he ask her how she was feeling? Asking her “Are you alright?” would be both pointless and even offensive, of course she wasn’t alright! Did he offer her comfort? Did he try to bring up all her good memories with his father?

What exactly was the protocol for grieving? What did people do beyond wearing black and crying? How did people grieve together for the same person? How did any of this work?

“Spock, you don’t have to say anything,” Amanda said, pouring green tea into a cup for him.

Spock looked at his mug, focusing on the wisp of steam that flowed out of it, at how it quickly faded into the air, no trace of it left to see or to remember, much like what happened to all those who fell with the planet. “I do, he was my father, he was your husband, and yet I don’t know what to say. What do people usually say?”

“They say what they feel,” Amanda said simply. “And sometimes they say nothing at all, they just let themselves feel.”

“Feel what? Anger? Misery? Hopelessness?”

“Sadness, longing, regret and bitterness, and after the shock and anger fades and you start to miss who you lost you start to focus on what you remember, on the fond memories, how you met and what you had together.”

That process of going from bitter to bittersweet was very familiar to Spock, when he first thought Jim had died on Tarsus IV he went through the motions but still kept himself afloat by indulging in his denial. Every time he felt hurt or close to breaking his own control he would bring out one of their letters on his PADD and read it, relive the fondness and exhilaration as if he was seeing the kind words and humor for the first time.

“I keep thinking about how a second was all I needed to save him.” Spock said after a long silence. “I had him, he was right next to me, and I held his arm in my hand and he still slipped away from me because I didn’t move faster, because I didn’t anticipate.”

“Bargaining,” Amanda said.

Spock blinked at her confused. “Bargaining for what?”

“The five stages of grief,” she explained. “Denial and anger are the first two we go through and the third is bargaining, where we fill ourselves with guilt and overthink various What-Ifs to think of the many ways we could have had a different outcome if we had changed a small thing.”

“And that is the sage I am at now.”

Amanda nodded. “It’s only natural.”

“What are the last two stages?”

“Depression is the fourth and worst of it and how you handle it is what the final stage depends on.”

“Which is?”

She gave him a watery smile, her dark eyes shining with unshed tears. “Acceptance.”

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. All those sounded familiar but not in that particular order or even time-frame.

“I don’t feel like am close to acceptance or ever will be.”

“No one does when they’re hurting, you certainly didn’t when you lost Jim.”

Spock didn’t remember feeling anger or bargaining, he remembered falling headfirst into depression like he had tripped down a hole and half-heartedly tried denying everything until the denial became so strong it became hope that in turn became acceptance.

“How could you compare losing your husband of decades to me losing Jim? I had known him for a few months, I had never even met him, what I experienced could no way compare to what you are feeling.”

Amanda put a hand on his, warmth and understanding flowed straight from her and into Spock, calming his posture and his mind. “Just because you didn’t know him as long or as well does not mean your love for him was any different or the suffering you went through was not as important.”

If only she knew all of that suffering was for nothing and was no-longer worthy of being compared to her actual loss.

“Are you going to go through with this plan?” she asked him.

“Yes.”

“Do you believe it will work?”

“It should because it is the only chance we have at stopping Nero.”

“You have a lot of people depending on you.”

“I know.”

“It’s very daunting to have that kind of responsibility.”

Spock nodded, looking down at his tea. A hand touched his face and he looked back at her, trying to return her smile.

“He would be very proud of you, just like I am.” Amanda stroked the upward slant of his brow with her thumb. “Even without this effort, even if it doesn’t work out, we will always be proud of you. I hope you know that.”

“Thank you, Mother.”

Amanda leaned over, pushed back his bangs and kissed his forehead. “Now, go save the world.”

* * *

 

Spock reached the dispatch area that held the small shuttle and the orb of red matter. Jim followed him in shortly, sweaty and pale, his hair messy like he had been running his hand through it.

“You ready?”

“I am. Are you ready to give the order?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

Spock entered the shuttle and Kirk followed him in, stopping at the doorway.

“Yes, Captain?” Spock asked, not looking over as he initiated autopilot and set up the preferred temperature.

“You sure you can do this?”

“I have made it clear that I can.”

“I’m just saying, the technology Scotty updated this thing with is tricky.”

“I am aware of the risk.”

“You could die.”

“I am willing to take that risk.”

“Spock, look at me.”

He complied immediately. The effort to avoid Jim’s eyes had proved too great.

Jim had once again removed the hazel contacts, his bright blue eyes familiar but the gaze in them completely foreign. “I’m sorry, for being so snappy with you, it’s just been a hectic two days.”

“Don’t be. You have a right to be angry with me.”

“Yeah, but now is literally the worst time for someone else to be dumping their emotional baggage on you.”

“There would be no baggage to speak of if I had minded my own business.”

Jim crossed his arms, tucking his hands under them as he sauntered in, eyes on the floor. “True. You have terrible timing.”

“If it’s any consolation, I can attempt to put the block back into place, make you forget most of what happened in the last few hours.” Spock swallowed, his mouth dry as the sandy outskirts of Shi’Kahr. “I can make you Jason again.”

Jim slowly met his gaze, eyes wide and hopeful. “Can you handle that?”

“I am handling red matter, why is this any more daunting?”

“This feels a bit more personal, you did wait ten years to find me again, to bring back Jim Kirk, you think you can handle losing him again this fast?”

Unease dropped through Spock’s stomach, spreading and creating further bubbles of dread, guilt, anxiety and grossness like a drop of oil in a glass of water.

“Hard to lose someone I never had.”

“You did,” Jim said, rushed, his voice cracking. He straightened up, hands in his pockets and cleared his throat. “You did have me. Sixteen year-old me was wrapped around finger like you wouldn’t believe.”

“How did I lose him?”

“He grew up and became someone else.”

Spock left the control panel and stepped closer. “Is there any part of him still left, a part that feels anything positive for me?”

“Yeah, I’m sure there is.”

Hesitantly, Spock put his hands on Jim’s arms and watched his expressions unfold on his face. “What are you doing?”

“Bargaining.”

Spock kissed Jim’s forehead and stepped back into his seat. Jim backed out of the shuttle without another word and watched as the door shut and Spock turned it on.

The exit door open and Jim knocked on the door. He pressed his hand to the glass of the window and spread his fingers down the middle, Spock reached out and settled his hand right over Jim’s, smiling yet sad.

“Do the job and come back, that’s an order.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Spock navigated the shuttle out of the ship and headed straight for the Narada. Ready to lead it away from Earth, away from Jim, his mother and all life on the Enterprise as well, and to where the rest of Vulcan went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there, you guys!

 

The bait worked pretty well. While Spock jetted off with the Red Matter Nero and the Narada chased after him to get it and that left the Enterprise to quickly disable the planet drill before it could end Earth like it did Vulcan.

Spock’s heart pounded fast, creating an uncomfortable throbbing in his stomach, making him want to slouch over and shut his eyes or even just let go of the controls and press his palm to his side to block out the thin piercing pain but he couldn’t. He had to keep his eyes on the path ahead of him even because there was no pre-set path for his shuttle to follow and no clear destination or escape route incase the Narada caught up with him.

He knew one thing for sure, Nero wanted the red matter and he wouldn’t risk colliding with Spock’s shuttle because that would crack the orb and release its contents far, far away from its intended target. That didn’t mean Nero wouldn’t try to harm the Enterprise. After all, the Narada had warp speed beyond Spock’s understanding and it could easily disappear and reappear without missing a beat, blowing up Jim and his crew and returning to chase Spock to the center of the galaxy.

Spock honestly hoped Nero wasn’t composed enough or even smart enough to try pulling that off, he needed that psychotic Romulan far away from the Enterprise and all that was on it, especially his mother, Jim and the few hundreds that remained from his planet.

Just as the Solar system faded out of his line of sight and the Narada warped up to speed and to almost overtake him, Spock now tried to think about his next move. His first step was to mentally kick himself for not planning his next move to begin with, his second was to figure out a place to head towards to continue leading Nero on a ‘wild goose chase’ and his third was trying to figure out just how he could, theoretically, get rid of the red matter without swallowing another planet.

“Unlikely,” he answered his own question. “Substance is highly volatile and the fact that it was condensed and contained is almost unbelievable. The only way I could entirely rid myself of it is to toss it into a black hole.”

Ironically, his answer was the very thing he was trying to prevent by spiriting away the red matter.

For just a moment, Spock loosened his grip on the controls and looked away from wherever he was now heading to rest his forehead and close his eyes. Just for a moment, he wanted to not think about anything that happened, might happen or will happen. Nothing at all.

That silence in his mind and in his shuttle didn’t last long. The Narada quickly overtook him and collided with him, knocking him from his seat and scrambling his shuttle’s system, creating arcs of spastic electricity across the controls and turning the lights on and off in alarming flickers.

Spock’s first thought was to check the orb. It was still in its place, contained and whole.

Loud, fuzzy buzzing came from the panel and Jim’s voice came through the noise, barely understandable but recognizable.

_“Spock? Spock, can you hear me?”_

Spock climbed back into his chair and turned on his speaker. “I am alive.”

_“And the orb?”_

“Intact.”

_“Good. Listen, I have an idea on what to do with it.”_

“One you couldn’t tell me before I departed or couldn’t wait to tell me after I had escaped Nero?”

_“Don’t sass me, Elrond.”_

“Vulcans do not sass.” Spock felt himself wince as the answer he was so used to giving felt dead on his tongue. There was no use in keeping up the Vulcan façade of logic and stoic temperament when there was no Vulcan.

 _“Yeah, and I bet they don’t lie either,”_ Jim said sarcastically. _“Anyway, is your vessel still in good form?”_

“I am not sure.”

_“Well, even if it isn’t, I want you to go all the way to the outer quadrant of the galaxy and the second Nero catches up with you, let him have it.”_

“Have what?”

_“What he wants, the matter.”_

Spock nearly fell off his chair again, and it wasn’t from the jolt caused by his shuttle speeding through space. “Are you mad?”

A second voice answered him, the familiar grumpy growl of Doctor McCoy. _“Completely bonkers. Would’ve failed the psych evaluation if I was the one handling it.”_

_“Bones, don’t have a Sick Bay to run?”_

_“Your point?”_

_“My point being go do your job and let me do mine.”_

_“Your idea of doing your job is sending Spock on a suicide mission.”_

_“Bones. Sick Bay. Now.”_

_“Don’t you think enough of him died today?”_ McCoy yelled suddenly.

It got very quiet. Spock turned the speaker on and off to check if the signal had been cut out by the hit.

Jim’s voice reappeared, quiet, calm and serious. _“Spock, do you trust me?”_

 _“What does that have to do with anything?”_ McCoy intervened.

_“It has everything to do with it. Now, butt out and let us talk because the fate of the Federation depends on this.”_

With a heavy sigh, Spock head McCoy leave.

Jim asked him again, _“Do you trust me, Spock?”_

“Tell me your plan and I’ll give you an answer.”

_“I want you to go as far as you can and the second he catches you, release the red matter and let it collide with the ship.”_

“That’ll create a black hole within the ship.”

_“I know. If it smashes upon impact then the matter will latch onto the Narada and eat it up, and if it’s capable of beaming its entire form in and out of space and even time then –”_

“Nero’s first thought of defense will be to reduce himself and everyone aboard his ship into atoms, but he’ll take the red matter with him,” Spock continued.

_“And when it does the reaction will cause the black hole to collapse on itself.”_

“But not before it devours the Narada,” Spock finished for him.

_“What do you think?”_

“I think it’s a gambit, but it is a clever one.”

_“And?”_

“I trust your tactics and I trust your foresight and, above all, I trust you.”

 Jim was quiet again but this time Spock could here him breath, could hear the sounds of him shifting and opening and closing his mouth in anxious uncertainty. When he finally spoke it was like a weight had been lifted off of Spock. _“Promise me you’ll be careful, alright? Promise you’ll come back.”_

“It’s not logical to make a promise I’m not sure I can’t keep.”

_“We’re not dealing in sureness here right now.”_

“Exactly.”

Jim laughed, voice heavy and tired, _“Spock, you know me, when have I ever been logical?”_

Spock almost smiled at that.

_“I don’t want a prediction or logic or even a hundred percent certainty, I just want you to promise me that you’ll try to come back, if not for me then for your mom and your people.”_

Spock looked behind him, at the ship catching up to him, at the orb and at where Jim probably still was, and nodded. “I promise, I will come back.”

The call ended and Spock slowed down the shuttle and watched as the Narada appeared as it halted in space. A gate opened in he ship, ready to trap and take in his shuttle and Nero’s voice and face appeared in front of him, fuzzy and unsettling.

“You’ve run far enough from me for two lifetimes. I let you get away once and neither you or your Earth are escaping me this time,” Nero boasted. “How does it feel, being outwitted by something Vulcans viewed as inferior, by one of that so-called inferior race you helped destroy.”

Spock said nothing. He kept his eye on the receiving door in the Narada, watching the back of his shuttle get closer and closer to the insides of the ship.

Nero got angrier. “I asked you a question.”

Spock still didn’t answer, reaching a hand to grip the lever that shifted the shuttle’s direction and hovering his finger over the button that opened the back doors.

Nero slammed his fists on his own console. “Answer me, Vulcan, how does it make you feel? Or are you too proud to admit you do feel?”

Seeing that he was close enough, Spock pressed the pedal that released the orb and pressed the button that opened the doors, all the while maintaining eye contact with Nero.

“I feel that you have overstayed your welcome in my universe,” Spock snapped, pulling the lever that tilted the shuttle.

The red matter fell into the Narada and the glass that contained it smashed as it landed inside and spread like fire on paper, devouring the ship into nothingness.

“What have you done?” Nero demanded.

“What you wanted: I gave you the red matter.”

Realization sparked in Nero’s black eyes. “No. No. NO!”

The connection fizzled out and Spock could see the ship ready itself for another jump across time and space to escape but as Jim predicted the black hole forming in its center as it tried to break itself down into tiny pieces was interrupted and centralized, making it only eat up the ship as slow as space allowed.

Being too close to the black hole, Spock’s shuttle was quickly being sucked in. He tried every escape plan out in his mind as he put his shuttle on its highest speed, but no matter how fast it moved forward the tug of the endless void pulled it backwards.

He was never going to fulfill his promise. He was never going to see his mother again, to help the remaining Vulcans or return to Jim but he did do one thing, he had saved Earth from Vulcan’s fate.

Finding peace in just that one thing, Spock leaned back in his seat and pulled out his communicator, bringing up the window he could never have the heart to close, the one bearing the last message his Jim ever sent to him.

 

_Spock,_

 

_I'm safe and sound on good ol' Terra Firma - but exactly on Terra more like Tarsa Firma - but whatever_

_One more flight till I see you! The first thing I'm going to do is hug you so hard I'll crack a rib or two or just hug you and swing you around, I know you're heavier than me but that's how excited I am to see you._

_The second thing I'm going to do is touch your ears, so if that offends you, be offended now and not later, 'kay?_

_The third thing is I'm going to spike up your hair because as much as I love your face I can't stand that stupid bowl cut._

_Can't wait to see you, you overgrown elf._

_Love you,_

_Jim,_

 

Tracing the last three words with his finger, Spock closed his eyes and readied himself for the inevitable as he felt his body heat up and felt it disassemble.

When he opened his eyes he found himself back on the transporter pod in Engineering, being watched by Scotty, his mother and Jim.

“What happened?” Spock asked, confused.

“Last minute bout of genius,” Scotty said, puffing out his chest proudly.

“We beamed you up last second,” explained Jim, a bit sheepish. “I had locked onto your location before you left so it was easy to find you and get you out in time.”

“Nero?” he asked, meeting Amanda’s eyes.

Jim cracked a big pearly smile. “Gone. He’s gone. You did it and you made good on your promise.”

Spock stood up and shot towards his mother, holding her close, his heart pounding furiously in his side, mind reeling with disbelief. He had defeated Nero and he had survived! He defeated him and survived his fate all thanks to Jim.

When he pulled away from Amanda, Spock reached for Jim but found that he was gone.

* * *

 

They docked the Enterprise in Earth’s orbit and flew down to Starfleet’s base in shuttles, Spock among the Vulcans and Jim with the crew. When they landed they were bombarded with thousands of reporters, members of Starfleet, students of the Academy and family members of the crew meshed together in a crowd of flailing arms, flashing cameras and unbearable noise.

Jim was pulled to the forefront, himself and McCoy steadying Captain Pike long enough for the man to give his statement and be taken aboard an ambulance. Jim was very brief, very calm and very respectable as he took question after question and maintained his smile the entire time, occasionally looking to members of the bridge but never once looking at Spock, even when he mentioned him and told the story of how he had ended Nero.

Once the impromptu press conference was over, they were all divided by the crowd and by the police called to contain the crowd. Spock looked everywhere but he didn’t catch sight of Jim’s gold tunic or hair again.

“Are you alright?” Uhura asked him when she fought her way to his side.

“No,” Spock answered honestly, eyes still searching for Jim. “But I will be.”

"That sounds a bit out of character. What happened?"

Spock looked away from the spot Jim disappeared to and then to his mother. "The last stage of grief: Acceptance."

* * *

 

After they were all separated and the Vulcans were all being gathered and sent to live in designated houses or to be fostered by families, Spock had his shoulder tended to and healed and was sent back out to finish finding and assigning the remaining Vulcans.

As he passed the docking area of all the shuttles he saw a familiar figure standing with his back to him, hands clasped, face looking ahead.

"Father?" Spock breathed out, unsure and hesitant as he walked closer.

The man who turned to face him was not his father but Selek - himself from an alternate time.

"How did you get here?" Spock asked him.

Unfazed as ever, Selek calmly answered, "It is quite hard to explain, and even if I did explain that knowledge could cause -"

"Problems with the continuum, yes, you gave me that answer before."

"It's still valid. You of all people should know I can't give too much away."

"Yet you gave me plenty in the mind-meld."

Selek nodded, eyes cast downward. "Tell me, what is it you plan to do now?"

"As if you don't know?"

"I don't. Nero's interference made you a completely different person with a different destiny. Everything from here on out is your choice."

Instead of assuring him, this news worried him. Spock counted on Selek knowing everything in the past and now that the future ahead was unknown to the both of them it made things twice as bad. "Can you tell of one thing that might be a constant in this world and yours?"

"That depends on what you choose to do now," said Selek. "Go to the Vulcan colony once it is set up or stay in Starfleet once the Enterprise is ready to embark on its original mission?"

"My duty is to my people."

"And what about Jim?"

Spock pulled out the black stone ring Jim returned to him by its chain, tracing the words carved within the golden band of the ring:  _I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine_. "Jim has made his feelings clear, it would be unwise to continue pursuing him."

"I said nothing about pursuing him. In my timeline, Jim and I began as colleagues, him my captain and I his commander and together, along with McCoy, Uhura, Scotty and navigators Sulu and later Chekov, became a core team that led many successful missions across the stars. Jim is about to leave on that very same mission soon, with that team intact, it would not be a constant if you weren't aboard that ship alongside him."

"What if he doesn't want me there?"

"He will, whether he realizes it or not."

"How are you so sure?"

Selek removed a necklace from around his neck and clicked on the gold pendant. "Because you need each other to achieve your destinies."

Out from the pendant came a hologram of an old human man, face marked with wrinkles from age, sun and laughter, eyes small yet shining as he sang, _"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."_ the man stopped and grinned. _"I know I know, it’s illogical to celebrate something you had nothing to do with, but I haven’t had the chance to congratulate you on your appointment to the ambassadorship so I thought I’d seize the occasion… Bravo, Spock — they tell me your first mission may take you away for awhile, so I’ll be the first to wish you luck… and to say…"_ he sighed and shook his head. " _I miss you, old friend."_

Spock finally recognized him as a much older version of the man in the crew photo Selek showed him all those years ago when he told him of his Seamus Church - his James Kirk.

He watched him speak, his voice weighed down with age, burdens and even sadness. 

 _"Who’s to say we can’t go one more round? By the last tally, only twenty five percent of the galaxy’s been chartered… I’d call that negligent. Criminal even — an invitation. You once said being a starship captain was my first, best destiny… if that’s true, then yours is to be by my side. If there’s any true logic to the universe… we’ll end up on that bridge again someday,"_ the old Jim Kirk continued, his words ringing in Spock's mind. _"Admit it, Spock. For people like us, the journey itself… is home."_

The hologram ended and Selek returned it into his robes. "This was the last I saw of my Jim Kirk, but I had lost him long before then because of my pride, my obsession with pleasing only one part of myself and my heritage and not the other. I told you before to not make the same mistakes I did and I will tell you again. Accomplish your destiny together but for once put aside calculations and logic when it comes to your own life and, as my Doctor McCoy would say, _go with your gut_ , trust your instincts."

Spock looked from Selek to the building behind him, that of Starfleet Academy, and tightened his hand over the ring in his palm. "I will."

Selek nodded at him, chuckling slightly. "Good. Now, don't you have an award ceremony to be at?"

Spock held up his hand in the salute. "Live long and prosper."

Selek returned the gesture. "Peace and long life, Spock."

"As to you, Spock."

Though they left at the same time they diverged as Spock went below the Academy theatre to stand in the ceremony that celebrated the entire Enterprise crew and Selek went high above to watch everything as it unfolded.

Captain Pike awarded Jim himself, giving him both a medal and control of the Enterprise as its new captain. The entire room applauded and cheered, fueling Jim's confidence and his proud smile.

Just for one second Jim looked behind him and locked eyes with Spock. His toothy grin became a small yet very familiar close-mouthed smile, almost a smirk as he nodded at him, the sunlight coming from the windows above reflecting off his bright blue eyes, the shine within them full of life and humor that Spock had last seen ten years ago from across a screen, and that simple look gave him hope for the future, for himself and for them, however they would end up.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ Don't forget to comment!
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


	22. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the one year anniversary of this story, the very same day I posted chapter one!
> 
>  _Letters From Across the Universe_ started as an outlet for me, a kind of therapy I really needed to keep me going when I was post-op, a bit lost and emotionally exhausted, and all you guys who kept reading, commenting and sometimes messaging me over Tumblr have been a great help.
> 
> Thank you for joining me on this journey, 
> 
> Lucy
> 
>  

 

The first few months back on Earth were very exhausting. The ones after that were hectic and grueling, barely giving Spock any time for himself as he was pulled between his duties to Starfleet as it dealt with the fallout of Nero’s actions and his duties to his fellow Vulcans as they settled on Earth and sought out a new planet to colonize as New Vulcan.

Jim was either twice as busy or expertly avoiding him as Spock hadn’t seen him since the awards ceremony held for all of the Enterprise crew, giving Jim a medal of valor and appointing him the new Captain of the Enterprise in the place of Pike, who was doing well and learning how to walk again.

Spock didn’t blame him for being distant. What he was able to get from Doctor McCoy was that Jim was still readjusting to being James Kirk again rather than Jason Pike, who he had been for the last ten years of his life. It didn’t help that most people who knew him were adjusting to that change themselves.

“You settled on what you’re going to do?” Uhura asked him. They were sitting in an ice cream shop near the campus, taking a break after doing two weeks’ worth of grocery shopping, including getting all the things that needed their own daytrip like Leonard’s favorite cat food and the formula Uhura used to keep her hair straight and shiny.

Spock stopped sipping his chocolate-mint milkshake and blinked the oncoming bleariness from his eyes. This small exposure to chocolate gave him what might be the Vulcan equivalent of tipsiness. “I have discussed this several times with my mother and then with my elders and then with Captain Pike and all three have given me different answers.”

“Which are.”

“Stay on Earth, go to New Vulcan and help rebuild and repopulate the planet, and go with the Enterprise when it disembarks.”

“And what conclusion have you reached?”

“I honestly don’t want to go to New Vulcan and settle into a life of building and domesticity, at least not now. I also don’t want to remain on Earth as being planet-bound is not my destiny.”

“So, you want to come back to the ship.”

“Yes.”

“What’s the problem then?”

Spock gave a vague shrug.

“It’s the new captain, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Spock, you saved the galaxy together, it still can’t be that awkward.”

“It’s not the case of it being awkward, it’s whether we can work together or not after all that happened.” Spock finished his milkshake and leaned back in his chair, the dulled awareness from the chocolate nearly sent him flying back in his seat. “As you are aware, we have history, history that could interfere with our working relationship.”

“Excuses, excuses, excuses.”

“They are not excuses.”

“Communications Major here, and to me those sound like excuses.” Uhura brought out a few credits and set them on the table, settling their bill. “Quit being the block in your own path and talk to him, and once you’re done assure me that you’re coming onboard the Enterprise because I just can’t with your back-and-forth anymore.”

Spock nodded, not entirely agreeing, because in the end he didn’t talk to Jim. Even if he did get him alone, he didn’t know how to talk to him anymore, especially since Jim told him he was no-longer his Jim but an entirely different person with different views and feelings about life and about Spock himself.

Speaking to Jim, getting close and friendly with him, would just give him hope.

Spock and Uhura parted ways as he went back up to campus on foot in the bone-chilling cold of the San Francisco winter, vapor escaping his lips with every breath and joining the bitingly-cold humidity hanging in the air. When he reached his room he was greeted by his orange tabby, Leonard, who gave him the usual loud and chirpy greeting as he wove himself in and out and around Spock’s legs in eights and Xs.

Spock turned on the heater, offered Leonard the new cat food and sank into his armchair by the window, which overlooked the Bay Area as it began to light up in the early winter sunset. If he left Earth, whether for Vulcan or for space, he would miss this view terribly.

Leonard hopped up onto the arm of the chair and bumped his head against Spock’s arm. Spock stroked his soft head, flattening his ears a few times, and picked his PADD off the coffee table to check his messages. There were a few from his mother, who had been staying with her human relatives in the Midwest, a few from Pike, one from McCoy about a pre-flight checkup and one from Ensign Chekov, wishing him an early Christmas before he went dark for the holidays.

Spock thought back to the New Years Eve he and Jim shared via messages and the images of Jim and his Vulcan snowman and felt the urge to reread their old messages to each other, the very letters that kept him sane for so many years and now left him filled with nostalgic bitterness and longing.

He had tried talking to Jim in person but he hadn’t tried talking to him they way used to before everything changed.

Still tipsy and with lowered inhibitions, Spock felt brave enough to bring up a new message and write whatever came to mind before he came to his senses and stopped himself.

The problem was, he had no idea what he was writing exactly until he hit SEND and once something was sent through the Internet it was severely hard to undo.

Within the half hour a reply buzzed his PADD to life with a loud beep and Spock scrambled to unlock the screen and read the message, anticipation rising like a whirlpool within him, a feeling he hadn’t felt in over ten years.

 

_Spock,_

_I was wondering if you were ever going to message me again. I was wondering if I was ever going to message you myself. I almost did a few times but I always ended up trashing the drafts because I never found a good way to break the ice, to talk to you again like it was the old days but the fact is, the old days are long gone and I didn’t even live through the fallout. I think that’s why I’ve been having a hard time reconnecting with you, I grew up a different person._

_I guess what I’m trying to say is, I haven’t been avoiding you, I’ve been pretty caught up in trying to find myself again, to see if I could get back to how I used to be in any way before I could get back to you. But the thing is, I don’t know if I could ever go back and I don’t know if I want to, but I know that’s what you want._

_For what it’s worth, I really did love you and it wouldn’t take much for me to fall back in love you, so, from here on out it’s your move just as long as you’re sure you know what you’re getting._

_Missing you,_

_Jim._

 

Spock sobered up in an instant but he was lost for thought.  

The only thing he could write was:

 

_Jim,_

_Remember when I told you we were T’hy’la? That means we are compatible in any form or any state, so no matter how different you may be to how you were before I will still want you wholly. I have and always shall be yours._

_Eternally,_

_Spock_

The message sent and a knock came at his door. Leonard leaped off the chair and clawed at the door the second he reached it. Spock didn’t even bother checking or asking who was there, he had seen his cat react that way to only one person before.

He threw open the door and found Jim on his doorstep, hair damp and messy, face tinged pink and panting, like he had just sprinted over here.

They stood there for what felt like ages, breathing and watching each other, Leonard going back and forth rubbing against their legs, purring loudly.

“Hi,” said Jim, grinning slightly.

“Hi,” Spock responded, dazed.

Jim started laughing, a bit out of breath. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

 “So?”

“So?”

Jim shut his eyes and covered the lower half of his face as he laughed a bit harder. “What now?”

“I don’t know.”

“You should, it’s your move.”

“Are you certain that you want to begin this again, for real this time?”

Jim nodded, picking up Leonard and stroking his head. “I’m certain.”

Spock took one step closer and wrapped his arms around Jim’s neck, trapping the purring cat in between their hug. “I have missed you terribly.”

“And I’ve been missing you like crazy from the moment my memories pieced themselves back together.”

They pulled back from the hug just far enough for their noses to press against one another.

“Is it my move or yours?” Spock asked, head light with excitement and disbelief, his heart almost bursting with the love he felt for Jim.

Jim didn’t say anything, he just moved in and kissed him and for the first time since he was born Spock felt like he was at peace. Spock felt like he had found his place in the universe – right here with Jim.

Nearly twelve years of fighting loneliness, sharing dreams, hopes, laughs and a thrilling adventure and its near-death experiences, Jim Kirk and Spock found themselves right where they needed to be, together at Starfleet ready to embark on their mission and achieve their destinies.

And all this started with a letter sent from across the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment and Follow me on [Tumblr](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com) ^_^


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